Staying in the moment.
If it was easy we’d all be doing it to so much perfection that there would be no need for “magical” weight loss pills or late night advertisements to “buy the latest weight loss gadget”. We wouldn’t spend hours digging through our refrigerator looking for that chocolate bar we *knew* we had in there and eating everything in site looking for it. We wouldn’t find ourselves crying in the car in the corner of the parking lot ashamed at having gone through the drive thru when we promised “today was the day…”
Staying in the moment.
Is about as easy as never running and then attempting to earn the illustrious 26.2 when after the first 2 minutes you feel like puking your guts out. It’s about as easy as looking in the mirror and loving every.single.thing. you hate about yourself when day in and day out the voices in your head berate you for the smallest mistake.
Yesterday I needed this reminder.
To Breath. To Stay There. In The Moment. Even when that moment was painful. Even when that moment brought disappointment. Even when that moment caused me to feel unsure of myself and what I bring to this journey of Life Changes. Dealing with the physical pain of my back was coupled with the emotional pain of not being offered a position at the University. Double Whammy! The two things I take extreme pride in: Running and Interpreting. Yesterday both of those things were knocked down, stomped and spit on, then rubbed all to hell with dirt. If one had happened and not the other I would have been stronger. I’ve dealt with back pain. I know it takes only a few days to work itself out. I’ve dealt with not being offered an employment opportunity and not taking it personally.
Yesterday fucking sucked dirty monkey balls.
The last thing I wanted was to stay in the moment.
Laying in bed with a back reminding me I can’t run, thinking about a job I wasn’t offered all I wanted to do was to strike myself down emotionally. To stomp and spit on myself. To rub salt in an already painful day. To berate myself into believing that I deserved all the negative thoughts and feelings I was throwing at myself.
Breathe Deeply…
I am okay.
I knew before the interview that even though I am a kick ass interpreter there were other hurdles they would need to get over in order to hire me. Temporary work visas take time. This may not be the path I was meant to take. I’m taking on clients and pursuing a dream that I’ve held deep in my heart for a long time. Meegan and I have survived this long and for the first time in a year I’ve been able to pay my own bills and while I can’t go out and buy something new and shiny for her, I am contributing. It was just that one moment of being denied the job that I felt horrible about myself. Not good enough. Inadequate. Then I wrote out some important emails and felt strong. I felt good about my words and my ability to care deeply about the Life Changing Journeys of other people. I didn’t stray into the future of not having this temporary job with the University. I stayed in the moment of my dreams and the inadequacies passed with each “send” pressed.
I’m okay.
I know how my back reacts when it gets that “twinge” I hate so much. It hurts. A lot. Moving is slow and deliberate. Sleep is interrupted. But it doesn’t last too long. Staying in the moment of “Oh my fucking hell, I can’t put on my socks” and saying “this is temporary and hey socks are overrated right now” allowed the panic of “MONKEY POOP, I’LL NEVER RUN AGAIN!” to subside. As soon as I shifted in the night and woke up enough to realize it was easier than the night before, I relaxed. Yes it still hurts. But I’m walking around better today than yesterday and tomorrow it will be even better.
All to often our reaction to a moment in our NOW is because we are jumping to a moment in our PAST.
Take that deep breath. Let it go (even if just for a moment of two) and look at your now. You are stronger than you think. You are emotionally ready to stay here even if it’s just long enough to say “It is painful to stay right here, right now but I acknowledge this moment”.
You are alive in the NOW.
Stay there.
Tara,
I know you feel as though you’ll never catch a break. I look at what you had the courage to do, just in loving Meegan enough to come to Canada and I’m amazed. I know the job rejection was hard, but I’m sure Meegan and lots of others will tell you. You likely didn’t get that because you are being set up for something so huge in your life, that you wouldn’t have had time for that job.
It’s really easy to type this to you and the words are always easy to read but so very hard to take to heart.
Just know that there are tons of people who believe in you and think your amazing.
*HUG*
You are a whole world of awesome. Put that in your head to pull out when the voices start making noise.
The one thing you need to remember (add it to Stay in the Moment) – Keep it Real. You are human, and that’s okay!
You are so much more than ok. You are incredible. You WILL get through this, like you have so many bigger, tougher things. Nothing is tougher than you. Take some cuddle time, be easy on yourself, and remember that you’re a champion as far as I’m concerned, no matter what happens.
I’m going to my constructive place, because my squirrel lives in a world of problem-solving action. I hope you are getting massage and that you are stretching your back in helpful ways. If you can’t get or can’t afford massage, trade massage for life coaching. Swim instead of run. Hot soak, and then stretch. Count stretching as meditation, self-care, and renewal. <3
I've had a rough quarter, and while I've started swimming, I've also become reliant on Starbucks and McDonalds in the mornings because I just can fucking make breakfast when I get up at 4:45. I am deprived of quality (though not quantity of) sleep, awaking in the middle of my most productive REM cycle (5-6am). I counted: 14 more days of waking that early, 14 more days until I can make substantive routine changes and get back on track.
My tendency is to give in and just stay in this rut. But I realized I HATE feeling lethargic, sleepy, and malnourished. I want to have time to make my green smoothies and my fruit smoothies and good tea. I want to approach my swim workouts with cheer, not a grudge. So I had to come to grips with the fact that this rut is temporary, and that I don't have to beat myself up for making forced choices that result from exhaustion. Glad that I know the end of this is in sight.
There is a light for you, too. I wish I could turn it on and shine it brightly on your fabulous self. Find the glow within until the world aligns itself with what is true: there is light inside of you. This too shall pass. You are loved.
Uh, that’s “just CAN’T fucking make breakfast”. See? I’m rummy in the head.
Great post, I’m smiling thinking we both wrote the same thing today about living in the “NOW” guess it’s a trait we all share at times about having to make ourselves stay in the moment. Glad to hear your back is feeling better too I know how terrible yesterday was for you and it’s always good to know today is a better day. I’m definitely in the mind that better, greater things are to come for you. You are a winner 🙂
“Take that deep breath. Let it go (even if just for a moment of two) and look at your now. You are stronger than you think. You are emotionally ready to stay here even if it’s just long enough to say “It is painful to stay right here, right now but I acknowledge this moment”.”
I needed to read this today. Thank you.
Yes. What everyone said. You are a world of awesome. I love you.