Whoa, Tara!!!
Fear of making goal?!?
Don’t you mean Fear of NOT making goal weight?!?
Okay, seriously who’s is afraid of making goal? I mean when we start this LCJ and we look down at the scale for the first time in God only knows how long and see a number like 263 screaming back at us, the first thought we usually have is “I’m never going to make it down to my goal weight of (insert number here)”. For me that number is 170. When I sat down and did what most people do when we have no idea how to get started (googled “weight range”, got to Calorie King, filled out the questionniare and got a healthy range of between 119 – 171), I picked the higher end of the range because anything below 170 seemed too scary to think about.
Even in the beginning 170 seems unattainable. My highest weight was 270 and now I’m being advised via some random website that losing 100 pounds would be ideal. I remember stepping off the scale and thinking “well that’s NOT gonna happen any time soon – if ever”. I mean for Pete’s sake I hadn’t been below 200 in over 15 years and I think the last time I saw 170 I was a sophomore in high school. But I didn’t let that deter me this time around. I stopped thinking about the big picture and focused on much smaller goals. Instead of the final 100 pound goal, I looked at this journey in 5 pound increments. Each time I lost 5 pounds, I moved on to the next 5. I never focused on that 170 number…
Because I never truly believed I’d get there.
Today I look down at the scale and instead of thinking “it’s never going to happen”, I’m thinking “holy shit, it’s right there in front of me”. For close to 10 months everything about me has been this weight loss journey. Every waking moment whether conscious or not has been about making the necessary changes to be healthier in all aspects of my life. Physically, mentally and emotionally. But, truth be told I never in a million years expected to be looking down at the scale and instead of seeing 263 see numbers that began with 17(insert random number here cause I’ve seen them all except zero).
The last five pound goal is right in front of me.
And yet, for over a month I’ve been stuck between 174 – 176. You can call it what you want (plateau, maintenance, stall). I call it plain old fear. The fear of succeeding. The fear of having to believe in myself. The fear of what’s next. The fear of “wait a minute, this is all I’ve known for close to a year”. The fear of living “thin”. The fear of people looking at me and not seeing Fat Tara anymore. The fear of not finding comfort in a 1/2 gallon of ice cream. The fear of knowing the words “Super Size” would never be coming out of my mouth again. The fear of actually losing 100 pounds. The fear that for the first time in my life I would be considered “normal” in my weight range when all I’ve known are the labels “overweight,” “obese” and “morbidly obese”.
Tell me all you want about muscle weight vs fat weight and how I’m probably just building muscle mass (cause in case you haven’t seen my guns or my legs there are some serious muscles coming through). Tell me all you want about having to take my loose skin into consideration as added weight. Tell me what you want about plateauing and how it’s inevitable that weight gain slows downs considerably as you get closer to ideal weight. I know all of this. It’s been my life for the 10 months. What I also know is I am scared. Scared to look down at the scale and see the number I’ve worked so hard to get to.
Would it surprise you to know that for the last few weeks I’ve actually contemplated gaining my weight back? Maybe not to the extent of weighing 270 or more but gaining enough back so that I could say things like:
“See I am a failure”
or
“I will never be good enough in the eye’s of my dead mother”
or
“I will never succeed”
or
???
I don’t know what it is about this last 5 pounds. It’s like I’m running a marathon and I stop right before the finish line. I’m afraid to cross over. I want to turn around and run back to the beginning and start again because what does one do after you cross over? In the world of running, you pick another race. In the world of lifting heavy shit, you lift you lift heavier shit. In the world weight loss…at some point you have to stop.
And then what?
Live a normal life? Live exposed instead of hidden behind a layer of fat? Shop in the smaller sizes instead of finding comfort in XXL? Cry while eating an apple instead of drowning my sorrows in fried chicken and mash potatoes? Stay in the moment instead of continually berating myself for past failures (that probably dare I say weren’t really failures). Allow myself to be happy? Allow myself to believe that for once in my life, I can instead of I can’t? Actually go out there and live?…
Yhea, I’m not ready for that yet.
I know I know, sounds crazy. But truth be told I’m not ready. As long as I can keep the label of “overweight” even “marginally overweight” then there is comfort in my lack of being able to succeed. Roll your eye’s all you want and tell me “I can’t wait to get where you are” or “Tara how can you say such things. I mean hello you’re so damn close”. I’m not afraid to speak the truth. The truth today is I am scared. It doesn’t mean I’m giving up. Quite the contrary. I’m moving more today than ever before. I’m running farther, lifting more, sweating more profusely than one can imagine. I’m doing everything in my power to reach that goal of 170…
Except mentally preparing.
I’m not sure the point of this post today. Some days I have clear and concise messages to share. Some days it’s just about putting out there what needs to said. Thinking “I’m scared” and saying it out loud for the world (at least the blogging world) are two totally different things. I am standing before the finish line…
I am afraid to cross over.
I hear you. Today was my recommitment date, and I weighed in.
I’m afraid to start. But I weighed in. Step one.
Sigh.
I think our bodies know where we want to be, and won’t let us get there until it’s sure that we’re ready for it. It enjoys the hard work to much.
God I wish so much that we could switch places physically, you can be me for a week and I can be you for a week, so when you come back you will weigh 167 and you can just skip the whole scared to cross over mess, and just be tossed into the reality of it.
Well Miss Tara, I have been, just there, exactly. Staring down at 140 and wondering who on earth could possibly be standing on the scale weighing that because it certainly can’t be life time overweight, compulsive binge eater me. It’s weird, because it’s more of a thud than a ticker tape parade. To switch your brain from lose to stay the same, is HARD and honestly, you get that, you are aware, I was not, it was ugly.
It’s scary to finally overcome the one thing that we always thought held us back. It is the last great excuse. Gone. But as you know, it was never the weight, and always our minds all along. Holding us back.
I was terrified, I hit goal weight and after a month had a huge regression in the BED. I was mortified for destroying everything. But I was scared. Of attention, achievement, of not having that excuse anymore.
I figured it out, you will too.
Your brain will get to goal weight too, it will just happen after your body does.
I understand completely. We can be our own worst enemies. For me, my fitness level and weight are a convenient excuse OUT of things I didn’t want to do. When I reach my goal, I’ll have no excuses. I’ll have to learn to say no and not worry about an excuse. I’ll have to face that anything I do not have in life was because I didn’t want it badly enough. No one to blame for my non-achievements but me…and I’ve achieved a whole lot in life already, just not one of the most important things — getting in perfect health and kicking this poor choice for a lifestyle for good.
Breathe in, breathe out and know as they say in yoga: Practice. All is coming.
Here’s my thought. Fear is ok. You’re exploring it, you’re figuring it out, you’re sniffing all around it and weighing the decisions one way or the other. Nothing wrong with that. It makes us human. It makes us stronger when we don’t come to conclusions easily.
I could stop where I am right now at 189lbs and not lose another pound and either learn to be ok with my new self at that weight, or say screw that, I still want more. Its up to us. There’s still so much of the mental work to do after our weight loss – like Rita said above, our brains will catch up. Maybe your brain needs to catch up with you before you feel safe enough to say goodbye to the last 5lbs. And you know what, its ok. It doesn’t take away anything from your journey. Doesn’t make you weak, doesn’t make you crazy. It just another part of this journey – one day at a freakin’ time. xo
OMG, I can so understand this. I was 270 when I started this last weight-loss journey. My goal was 170 also. I’m 5’8″. 100# seemed like a nice round, immense amount of weight. And I did it. I got to that number. Then I reassessed. I decided that I didn’t want to be at the high end of my “normal” weight range. I wanted to weigh 150, still within the “normal” range. I couldn’t stand the thought that I had actually met a goal. I immediately needed a new goal. Well, 2 1/2 years later I have never met that goal. I have gotten down as low as 158, then self-sabotaged back up 20#, then started over. Again and again in those 2 1/2 years. I think I am also afraid of so-called “success”. Or admitting success. I think that is why I was overweight to start with. I have no traumatic childhood or anything that I can pin my weight on emotionally. Why was overweight? The only thing I can think of is that I have always been scared of actually really being the best I could be. I’m an underachiever, but don’t look like one. Good grades in school, law degree, great marriage, good jobs, great kids. But I’ve always just coasted, afraid to really go for my best life. Crap. I’ve written a book. Should have just written this on my own blog. Thanks.
I think it’s totally normal Tara. My thought is, this whole thing has gone by pretty quickly, your brain, your emotions, your healing is not totally up to speed with your body. While the number is an amazing goal to be achieved, remember to focus on the other stuff too. When you do, you’ll see that you don’t have to be so scared.
This weight loss thing is the easy bit. I’d be scared (and clearly I was, because I’ve been where you are, maintained and then gained it all back) too of the unknown. But unknown is also a GOOD thing. There is so much amazing, good stuff in store for you and for your life. Hang on baby and take the plunge! You are going to be just FINE!!
xxx
Meegan articulated my thoughts perfectly, but because lawyers like to hear themselves talk, I’m gonna say my piece anyways.
1. It’s okay to be scared. It’s human, it’s normal. Courage is not the absence of fear; it’s the ability to keep moving in the presence of fear. So the fact that you are posting this today and continuing to healthify your body = COURAGE.
2. It DOES take the mind more time to catch up with the body, especially when one loses the weight as quickly as you have. Be gentle with yourself, T. Allow yourself to feel the fear. If I came to you and told you I was afraid, what advice would you give me? Okay, now give yourself – AND TAKE – that same advice.
3. I know you’ve thought about gaining the weight back. I know you’re missing the ability to “numb out” in front of WOW with a tub of ice cream. But I think that WHO YOU ARE has fundamentally changed so much that if you tried to fall back into that behavior again, the very CORE of your being would scream out against it. And I think THAT is the most scary thing of all. YOU HAVE CHANGED. The weight is just one PART of that change. So not only do you have to get used to a new weight, you have to get used to a NEW YOU. That IS scary.
4. I love you. Just sayin.
No matter what happens, I have faith in you Tara. Fear is fear…good for you for acknowledging it. <3
And this is exactly why I have been working on other parts of my life over the last few months.
I wanted to know what kind of life I was looking at….this wasnt just a fat loss thing, this was a life altering experience. When I got to 150 I thought. Who am I thin? It took me two or three months to figure it out…I am still figuring it out but have the basics down.
You will do it too.
Maybe now it’s time to start constructing the new life you want, instead of the one you settled for.
Take that drive and determination and make it happen…
Welcome to a whole new world.
I hear you Tara. I’m going through the same feelings and I’m only halfway there. The emotional part of losing weight is the hardest. I feel so exposed without my fat to protect me. I used food to comfort me and trying to navigate in this world without it is draining me but a journey that I must continue on…taking it one step at a time. You will take those necessary steps across that finish line, there is no going back to 263. Once you remove that option, you will learn to accept your new reality, the one you always dreamed of…. Enjoy!
late to this because I was traveling for work but as I read and reread I kept returning to the fact that we avoid (we meaning the royal and we meaning the me) fear and work to veeeer away from fear but—for me—-its only when I FACED IT HEAD ON and ran straight through it that I was able to make it through and emerge the other side.
I’ll preface this with I don’t know you… but here’s the first thought that popped into my head:
You’re afraid. Certainly understandable. The question is, which are you more afraid of: succeeding and heading into a “thin” life or failing and having to start all over again?
A year. That’s how long it took. Don’t you have other things you’d like to focus on for the next 12 months? Maybe it’s time to stop focusing on this particular thing and focus on a new goal for the next year, one that doesn’t have anything to do with your weight. What could you do to make yourself happy, blissful, content? Focus on that and I bet the last five pounds disappear and so will the fear.
Good luck.
I can relate to this. You shouldn’t be afraid of change because there isn’t going to be any change – except on the scale, but who cares for the scale?. Really, you hit you weight goal and look up, waiting for the confetti to fall and… what, no confetti?
Or you hit weight goal and think “OMG OMG this is the first day of my new life!” except it’s pretty much exactly the same day you had yesterday or last week.
I just thought of this: remember the Indiana Jones movie, when he has to take a step of faith into an abyss but there was an invisible bridge? Hitting the goal feels like that. Like something big is gonna happen and you asume crash position and close your eyes really hard and… nothing happens.
What I’m trying to say is: you’ll be fine ;-D
I love you girl. I really do. You CAN do this. You are proving that with each step you take.
We have so much in common it’s not even funny. Last time I was even close to 170 I was in high school. I can’t wait to be there.
Just keep on pushing those demons in your mind away and I have no doubt you will get there and STAY there.
Hi Tara, was going to say hi to you at the gym yesterday but you were obviously busy. It’s funny. At times you seem very unsure about yourself on your blog, but at the gym you’re more focused and driven than anyone.
Take care!
Hi Tara: You are the bomb! Keep up the great work and the inspiration. One day I hope to be as successful as you 🙂 I would like to send you an e-mail regarding your lymphoma walk. Where can I send it?
I feel you on this, Tara. I was just telling a friend of mine that I think I’m sabotaging my own efforts because I’m scared. However, my fears are a bit different. I lost 70 pounds four years ago, got sick and gained it all back (thanks to steroids and resumption of bad habits). I also did some really stupid shit when I had lost that weight and was still 40 pounds from goal. THAT’s what scares me; that I will lose not only the weight but my mind and morals again in the process. >.>
Fear is a natural part of the process. I agree with the many that said that it takes a while for us to emotionally catch up with our bodies. I’m very proud of you for what you have accomplished so far on this journey, and I’m confident that you will be back here one day very soon exclaiming to the blogging world that you’ve crossed that line and, in the process, given the boot to your “boogie man.”
I totally get this. It’s almost more scary to succeed.
I also totally know that you will do it.
Tara!
I see your comments on Tyler’s blog…so today I thought I’d click on your smiling face because I needed more of your encouraging words. You are upbeat and I appreciate it. Then I read this blog and I said…What the heck! How did she post all my thoughts word for word!!!!” Bless you. I am afraid of success too. But who do you tell? It’s the weirdest thing. I loved the rant…you’ve exhausted all the possibilites there…and it still remains; why?! Wish I could meet you and tell you all the same stuff…I need to rant too. I will tell you this tho…I’ve been in a holding pattern since last January…it’s when I shut down. Amazingly I have maintained my weight over all this time. That’s a first…just living on maintanece… 80/20 life-style. Suddenly this week I am “hungry” for my old days of living lean…watching the numbers drop…working out. All of a sudden I want to keep going. It’s like the identity crisis is over. Now to see if it really sticks. Your words are powerful and true…they are resonating in my heart and mind. Can I overcome this? Will this be it? Is the new me here to stay?
Hugs to you Tara…I will check in with you again soon!
Vanessa
This killed me (as in had me laughing), “Cry while eating an apple instead of drowning my sorrows in fried chicken and mash potatoes?” Been there.
I know that you know that you will reach this goal and shatter it with other goals yet to come. Just be patient with yourself. You’ve made loads of life changing changes in less than one year. Perhaps your mind and body and emotions just need a bit of time to catch up to all of it.
One thought might be to try some creative visualization to help you mentally grasp the Tara you are today. You know the stuff I’m talking about: picture yourself looking and feeling exactly as you want to look and feel; doing what you want to be doing with people you want to be doing it with, etc.
[…] much do you weigh Emotionally“, “Exposing myself to the world” and “Fear of making goal weight” were some very emotionally driven posts. I blog very truthfully not only because I know it […]
Oh how I understand these fears….
I am praying that your fears melt away…and mine too
[…] to drop the physical weight, you had to drop the emotional weight. You realized there was fear in making goal weight and when you began to listen to your heart, you realized that it was time to take that physically […]