First of all I would like to preface this post by saying I am extremely grateful for all the comments on the last three posts. “How much do you weigh Emotionally“, “Exposing myself to the world” and “Fear of making goal weight” were some very emotionally driven posts. I blog very truthfully not only because I know it helps me to understand things more clearly when I present them to the world in front of me but also because I know that if I’m thinking it, I can bet someone else is as well. I’ve become very passionate about letting people know we are not alone in this LCJ. No matter where we are or how alone we feel, there is always someone out there who understands.
I blog with honesty, I blog with emotions and I blog with what’s literally eating me from the inside out. I won’t lie to you; that goal weight of 170, which is practically within my reach is what’s eating me from the inside out.
It took a hidden message for me to realize that I need to (try to) let it go.
Last week when I was getting ready to leave the gym Robbie, the head trainer (and boot camp instructor), stopped me and asked me point-blank what was wrong? I didn’t really understand the question since I thought everything was fine (and I thought I felt fine) so he repeated himself…
“What’s the matter with you?”
Again, I didn’t understand the question so he said “Something is eating you. I can see it on your face”. I took a moment to decide if I wanted to be honest with him or just give off my usual “everything’s fine” response and get the hell out of the gym. I decided to be honest and explain my frustration and fear about making goal weight. I told him I was 5 pounds from seeing 170 and I think I was too scared to see it. I told him I’d been stuck for a month between 174 – 176 and it was really bugging the crap out me. I told him I just wanted to see the damn number so I could move on (whatever that meant since I still am trying to figure out the next phase of this LCJ). He did something I never expected: He offered to give me a free training with him and he pretty much promised me I would see 169 by the time we were done. Of course his plan of action (or POA – thanks Jessi!) was to lose water weight so that meant hard cardio with intervals of going into steam room while wearing full length sweats + hoodie. I didn’t care what he had planned I just wanted to see the number. We solidified plans to meet this past Tuesday and I left the gym completely obsessed over making goal weight.
For the rest of the week it was all I thought about. What would I feel? Is this what I needed to move on? What if it didn’t work? What if it worked? Could I go through the session without passing out (it was a concern of many people I talked with). What if I wasn’t strong enough to go through the process? What would Robbie think of me? What would I think of myself? I even prayed about it in that “please let me see 169” sort of way…
Obsess, obsess, obsess.
Tuesday morning came.
I showed up.
So did Robbie.
He was with another client so I waited until our scheduled time together (6am)
And I waited.
and waited.
Around 6:20 I realized he had forgotten about our appointment. Now the freak out begins. He doesn’t know me. He doesn’t know about my inability to say when something is wrong. He doesn’t know about my “he did this on purpose because he hates me” compulsive type of thinking. He doesn’t know that by 6:20 while I’m standing there in the middle of the trainer area and chewing the inside of my mouth I’m on the verge of an emotional break down and I literally freeze where I’m standing. 170 was all I thought about for the past 4 days and here again it was going to slip past me…
He finally noticed I was just standing there (uhhhhh yhea it is a little odd that someone would stand in the same place at the gym for almost 25 minutes) and came over and asked who I was waiting for…
“You”
We didn’t go through the “promised” workout.
He had forgotten why I was there and I was too emotional to remind him. He didn’t get me down to the magical number of 169. I didn’t go into the steam room or run on the treadmill. He only spent 30 minutes with me. He probably felt like we were being rushed and didn’t really understand why we were spending this Tuesday morning together.
I did.
I wasn’t supposed to reach that number that morning. Instead I was supposed to see that I could lay on the floor and pull my 173 pound body up to a standing position using only my hands and bring myself down to beginning position without dropping my body (twice on knotted rope and twice on flat rope). Instead I was supposed to see that I could do 10 nearly perfect pushups in between each rope pull and then grab a 20 pound kettlebell and learn how to do a “windmill” without falling over. Instead I was supposed to see that I could do a proper deadlift and do it multiple times and then get on the flat side of a bosu ball and squat 20 times without falling off.
Instead I was supposed to see that I could repeat all the stations in 5 minutes and 27 seconds and get a “not too bad for your first time” from Robbie. I started our session so disappointed that I wasn’t going see 169, I mean for Pete’s sake I prayed about it but as I walked toward the locker room I knew why things had happened the way they did. As I wrapped a gym towel around my body for the first time ever and it covered my body completely: I knew. When I dried myself off and looked at my back muscles: I knew. When I put on my new underwear size medium and slipped on my size 32 pants: I knew. When I looked in the mirror on the way out and saw a woman who was stronger than ever and can only get stronger from this point on: I knew.
I’m not saying that I’ve stopped thinking about this stupid number completely. I haven’t. But you’re right, nothing is going to change. One day I’m going to step on the scale and it’s going to give me the number I think is going to change my life forever…
My life is already changed forever.
I will never go back to being 263 pounds. I will never go back to endless hours of disconnecting from reality because I’m too scared to face my world. I will never go back to relying on medication to ease the pain of my depression. I will never go back to laying in bed wondering if today is the day that I will get up and start taking control of my life. I will never go back to eating and purging and then repeating it multiple times per day. I will never go back to being the old me…
I want 170.
I don’t need 170.
It will come…
When it comes…
You are amazing, gorgeous, smart, beautiful, soulful, inspirational, honest, caring, kind, and I love you.
I love you!! I was on the edge of my seat reading this post. At first I was thinking, “Oh no, I hope she doesn’t do it…I hope that trainer doesn’t get her down to 169 because it won’t last for long…she’ll gain a couple of pounds as a matter of course and THEN WHAT?” Then, when it was apparent he’d forgotten your appointment I thought, “what a clever guy he is…he knows it’s not the right thing to do and he’s trying to teach her a lesson.” And finally, to read what what the REAL lesson was…that it really is just a number and look at all you can do with your body that weighs three pounds more than 170.
I adopted a mantra over a year ago that serves me well: it takes as long as it needs to take. For some, that’s not good enough because they think this gives permission to stall or dawdle along the way. It works for me because it takes the pressure off and when I am relaxed my body responds better.
Oh, and for some reason, your description of what you imagine it will feel like to weigh 170 reminded me of the first time I left the country…and I thought I would somehow feel different when I stepped off the plane in England…like I’d be a different person or something. Silly, huh?
You are a brave soul my dear. Every post touches & captivates me. Keep on doing your thing. You will get there.
Well done for your amazing loss……be kind to yourself xx
I am so proud of you, my friend. Your first step in this journey was the hardest –and you did it. Your next step was your commitment to a healthier lifestyle and you have proven your dedication, time and time again. Your promise to yourself is validated everytime you make that right choice for nutrition or run those extra few steps. Your heart is fed everytime you look into yourself and find the answers to the tough questions instead of satiting yourself with food instead. It is easy for us to get bogged down with the details, with the numbers, and forget the bigger picture because the numbers and that demon scale have ruled our lives. You are not a number. You are Tara–strong, driven, passionate, dedicated. You are healthy in mind, body and spirit. You have the real you back, the loving, open, giving, nurturing woman you are. You can look in the mirror and be proud of who looks back at you. You are not that number. You are a success. Relish in those victories. Maybe its time to really breathe….to take a step back…and to relax and love where u are. I am so proud of you.
What a great post, I was riveted until the end, no kidding. I am amazed and inspired by your journey, you thoughts and writings. I am a ways back to where you are now but you were here to, that gives me tremendous hope. I looked at your “about you” information and it said:
– On December 8th 2009, I turned 40.
– On December 29th, 2009 I stepped on the scale and it read : 263 pounds.
– I can’t change my age but I’ll be damn if I can’t change my weight.
– Simple plan = Move more, eat less.
So you’ve done 90 lbs in 9 months (maybe less), that is close to what I want and need to do. It’s reading blogs like your’s that remind me this is achievable and all my strange thoughts and doubts are normal, so many thanks for pouring your heart and soul out to us all…
Everything you said there at the end is true. But I would still have been pissed at the trainer 😛
Oh I was pissed (and having emotional breakdown and and and) but it all went away after I pulled myself up on rope. Then I was like “ohhhhh hey!”
Booyah! THAT is what I’m talking about, T. Do you feel the POWER in these words!??
In my eyes, you are already at goal. You’re a hero and inspiration to a lot of us, and I can’t wait ’til I’m standing with you on the other side of the finish line. 🙂
Powerful powerful message! No matter what the number on the scale says Tara, you are already at your goal. Like you said, you will see that “magic” number eventually, and you will also see that it won’t define you. Your determination, courage, and robust personality define you. 170 is just a number Tara. I know you need to see it to have closure for this goal, but after that, you can take inventory of yourself and how you got there and be happy.
As always….YOU ROCK!!
I am having a mental block with 150 as well, I get to 148 and everytime I say my weight in my mind I say 158??????
It does make me wonder what it is with me and numbers. I just don’t ‘believe’ I am where I am. I saw a picture of me from the other day and it took me a good 30 seconds to find me because I was looking for the fat person in the picture and I “wasn’t there”.
lol.
I don’t know what to say other than good job celebrating your body.
It will come for both of us soon.
You go girl! You WILL see that number but meanwhile, take a break from the scale and just work on getting stronger! Robbie may forget you but we’re here!
That being said, I DO get the stress, even though you don’t want to be stressed about it, it’s hard to let go. Remember how strong YOU are and you don’t necessarily need Robbie to get you there. Stay positive!
You are an amazing woman. You are strong and powerful in every way. It’s been an amazing transformation, and I appreciate you sharing it with us.
Tara, you have accomplished so much and come so far and done so much good for yourself and others. 170 is just a number on the scale. I know that deep down you know that, and that hitting 170 isn’t magically going to make everything ok. You are an amazingly strong and wonderful and beautiful person, whether you see 170 on the scale or not.
Miss Tara – your ability to share so openly with those of us following your journey is a blessing to so many. As I continue on my own LCJ, I feel so fortunate to KNOW I can trust there is another person out there experiencing the same fear, joy, excitement, terror, thrill. I hope that I’m able to share it so eloquently as to inspire others as you’ve inspired me. BIG BIG HUGS!
I loved the final part of your post. It was almost like you were talking directly to me. I literally closed my eyes, and gave you an air hug. I felt an air hug back. You’ll get there. And then, a new journey will begin.
I can’t believe he forgot about your session. I would have been pissed!!!!
The number thing… Sometimes it’s easier said about it just being a “number” but I honestly have no idea what you are going through with that. I just wanted to say I know you will get there because you are a strong and focused woman. I cannot wait until I see that post that you hit that number so we can all celebrate!!!
🙂
Thanks Bobbie. I think I needed him to forget our appointment more than I needed him to remember.
I’m learning from you you know. More than you can imagine. Your honesty at working through all of this is inspiring me to be brave in that department. So thank you. xo
Sometimes I wonder how in the world anyone can learn from all this because I feel so all over the board on this Journey. I think I got it then I don’t then I got it again. I guess that’s how life is though. Constant exploration in order to learn grow and move forward.