It’s time…

Have you ever wanted something so bad, you sometimes cried just thinking about it?

Been walking outside and realize your heart is beating faster because you started thinking about something so big it was almost too much? Spent months and months wondering “what if” and then found yourself actually preparing for that “what if”?

Yhea that’s me.

You’d think I would be screaming from every mountain top that this is the year that I step up to the starting line of the one thing I’ve been working so hard to accomplish. You’d think everyone and their grandmother would be telling me to shut the hell up because it’s all I can talk about…

In fact, I’ve been very (very) quiet about the one thing on my to-do list that I think defines who I am: a runner…an athlete…someone who once weighed 270 pounds and couldn’t run a half a block to save her life. And yet, this is so difficult for me to talk about, to write about, to even think about it. I’ve watched people start the same way I did and go forth to earn the 26.2 like it was just another day in their lives. Another notch on their belt. Feeling accomplished and moving on to other goals. Yet, for me it’s been one mother fucking scary ride.

Christmas morning I opened a flat box from Meegan.

Inside was one thin sheet of paper.

It was a paid registration to the BlueNose Marathon here in Halifax. There can be no more excuses. There can be no more thoughts of “I wonder”” and “I just don’t think I can”. What I couldn’t bring myself to do over the last year, my beautiful partner in crime forced me to realize that it’s time. It’s time I put down my fears. It’s time I believe in myself. It’s time I do what I’ve wanted to do since the very first time I stepped up to the starting line. It’s hard to believe this body of mine couldn’t run more than a half a block two years ago and starting tomorrow I begin training for my first marathon. In February of 2010 I was ecstatic that I ran for the first time for THREE MINUTES straight, and almost two years to the day here I am finally preparing for what I can no longer put off…

I don’t know why I’ve put this off for so long. I don’t know why I’ve watched so many of you earn the 26.2 (and cheered so many of you on) as I continued to stand on the proverbial side lines. I’ve put in enough miles to know that this is physically something I can do. But this isn’t about physical ability.

This is all mental.

Emotional.

Starting tomorrow, I begin the long fight of battling those emotional “I can’t(s)”. I don’t care if I don’t do anything else this year, I will earn my first marathon medal. There is so much more riding on this than just another shiny piece of awesomeness to hang on my wall. This is more than wearing a number and adding it to my race bin at the end of the day. This race is so emotionally tied to everything I was yesterday, everything I am today and more importantly everything I will be tomorrow.

There’s going to be a lot of tears. There’s going to be a lot of internal battles. There’s going to be a lot of moments where everything will be okay and then it might not be. This isn’t just about running. This is about proving to myself that I did it. That in that one moment in December of 2009 I decided I deserved more, that my life was worth saving and I did just that: saved it.

My body needs this.

My heart needs this.

I need this.

It’s time.