It’s two o’clock in the morning.
I can’t sleep.
Apparently my body my mind decided it wasn’t going to need much more than 2.5 hours of sleep and here I am waiting for 3:30a to arrive so I can get ready for my boxing class.
My mind won’t shut down.
Let’s talk about what the hell is going on in my world right now.
- I made goal weight this week: For the last 11 months I have kicked, screamed, laughed, cried, run, jumped, swam, fought, and poured gallons of sweat off my body to go from 270 down to 170 and I had no plan of action as to what I would do once I arrived. I never thought I would get here. Instead of reveling in what I’ve accomplished I am in near panic mode over arriving at my “destination” and not sure where to go from here. It’s like planning for a year to save up to go to Europe and you only focus on the saving up part. I’m in the proverbial “Europe” and I didn’t plan what I was going to do once I landed.
- I feel wishy-washy in my decisions: Count calories, don’t count calories. Work out every day, don’t work out every day. Focus on lifting weights, focus on cardio. Run, don’t run. Everyday I feel like I can’t make a decision as to how I want to handle this LCJ. It was so much easier in the beginning when I was fat and lazy: Eat less, move more, cry cry cry, repeat. Now? Now I can’t seem to get a fucking grip on what I’m supposed to do. Again, it comes down to the notion of never thinking I would even get to a place where this would be my reality.
- I’m still thinking like 270 pound Tara: I really want to enjoy 170 pound Tara, but it’s not happening that much at the moment. I’m starting to wonder if my mind will ever catch up to the person looking back from the mirror. You’d think once you reach goal weight the voices (tape recorders, your mother’s voice or whatever you want to call it) would shut the fuck up but in my world they are loud and clear. Oh I know I wrote about Fat Tara going away and believe me I’m sure she is gone. I’m not talking about physically Fat Tara, I’m talking about emotionally Fat Tara (EFT cause you know I like my Three Letter Acronyms). You know EFT right? She’s the one that steps on the scale multiple times a day because she knows it’s absolutely possible to gain 100 pounds overnight. She’s the one that will walk around the Costco tasting all the delicious morsels and then cry in the car because she sure she walked in a size 32 but walked out a size 44. She’s the one that is convinced that shopping in the same place where she donated all her clothes (value village) is the only place she should shop because one day she’s going to need to buy all her clothes back. Why? Well surely this whole size 32 situation is a fluke.
- I’m dying to go shopping in a real store: A real clothing store. One that only sells clothes. Not one that also sells dog food or lawn mowers or all the holiday nick knacks. I want to buy clothes from a place with good-looking young college students. Not a place where the aisle light say’s “twelve items or less” or “family friendly” or where the checker wears a wrist brace from slinging boxes of frozen pizzas over the register all day. I don’t want to shop where there is a door greeter or some dumb ass blue light special. I want to shop at the Gap, Old Navy and American Eagle. I won’t lie I’d kind of like to buy something from Abercrombie and Fitch and yet I can’t bring myself to stand in their doorways and give myself permission to do so. As crazy as it sounds, I am convinced nothing will fit and the people (customers/employees) will laugh at me for even trying. I buy clothes from places like Wal-Mart, Fred Meyer, and Target not because it’s cheaper but because I find comfort in knowing that obese people shop there and they won’t laugh at me.
- I don’t trust myself: There I said it. I don’t trust that this 100 pound loss will stay off for good. I don’t trust that I will continue to move forward. I don’t trust that I can be successful in my LCJ. I don’t trust that I can build an army of awesomeness and go forth and change the world. I don’t trust that I can have ONE piece of pumpkin pie with ONE dollop of whip cream during Thanksgiving and then walk away without trying to sneak a piece in the bathroom, shoving it down in one bite and then making myself throw up so that I can convince myself I didn’t eat it.
- I’m an emotional mess: Today I am okay with that. Part of this process is acknowledging what is going on and putting it out there to the universe. I can’t sleep because these are the things on my mind and they are heavily weighing me down (pun absolutely intended). Am I going to rush out and conquer all my fears and tribulations: No. I don’t need too. However, I do need to actively continue to walk this path of forward movement no matter how much I don’t trust myself or how badly I want smack EFT for causing me angst.
Funny thing happens when you can’t keep your eyes closed and you decide to get a little honest with yourself in the middle of the night. You end up canceling your 330a boxing class and going back to bed for some much needed sleep.
*YAWN*
I wish there was something I could say that would magically wash away all your fears. If I knew those words though, I’d say them to myself first.
I am so glad I read this post and am looking forward to taking some time with the rest of your blog.
I’m sure you’ve heard it a thousand times, but it bears repeating. You should be VERY proud of yourself! It takes a great strength of character to make the drastic changes you’ve made.
I have a renewed inspiration this morning. Although, I’m still skipping the work out. My head is POUNDING. And I totally understand what you’re saying here. Because I’m skipping my workout this morning, I am probably negating ALL my hard work over the past five months. It’s just crazy, right?
That was awesome. Very honest. Isn’t it great to just get it all out? I think we would all learn a bit about ourselves if we typed one of those posts at 2:30 in the morning.
I’m sorry you are having a hard time. 🙁 to me, maintenance is just like weight-loss, it’s a slow process, day by day. You have accomplished an amazing task by losing it, which means you are totally capable of keeping it off, just take it one day at a time. 🙂
Yes, Tara…your honesty is what makes you SO BEAUTIFUL! TRUST in that! TRUST your Honesty…put that same effort eat less..move more…into ways to trust yourself….
Weigh less…LIVE more!
The amazing thing that happens when you get this honest and realize what’s up and that you aren’t trusting yourself is that you start to. Just a little bit. You already know what to do – you’ve been doing it all along. You just have to find that safe place within yourself that says, “I got this” – trust what you know – trust that you know what is best and keep moving forward.
Don’t think too far down the line, just think about today, maybe tomorrow, maybe set a goal or two for the week at most and deal with those. Don’t think about the weight anymore, don’t think about a year from now. Shorten your frame of reference and it will get easier.
Man, I wish I lived closer, we would go shopping – like today!
The cool thing is that you’re the same person you were at the begining of the journey. You made a lifestyle change. This is your new life. You don’t stop. Try new challenges. Keep encouraging us who are early in the battle. You’re 36 diffrent kinds of awesome and I’m glad I found ya!
Tara…you are worlds apart from your old self physically and it’s kind of like being home sick I think. Your mind doesn’t want to say goodbye and fully embrace your new physical self. Like any journey that takes you far away from home, you have to leave people behind. You have to realize that some people who you once called friends were really just holding you back from being your best.
It’s hard Tara, but say goodbye to your old out of shape self that was just holding you back. Embrace your new self that is prodding you do be your best. Walk into whatever clothing store you want and just buy something. A shirt, some pants..anything. Wear it, look at yourself and smile. You deserve it Tara.
This is not coming from experience mind you, I have just thought about these same things. What will I do when I finally reach my goal? Maybe hold a mock funeral for your old self and let the new you take over.
YOU ROCK!!
I can absolutely 100% relate with everything in this post. First of all I want to say congratulations on accomplishing this weight loss.. it was no easy feat I am sure! You should be very proud of yourself for working so hard and looking amazing! Second, dotn think youre alone in these thoughts.. I get them too.. I struggle everyday with punching through that obsession with food, exercise, whats right and what will work..but at the end of hte day it just comes down to one day at a time.. one good decision at a time.
I came to visit your blog after the fitblog chat last night. I’m so sorry you are feeling this way! Maintenance is a scary place. You work so hard and don’t want to lose it, but feel frustrated knowing there is still hard work even though you made it. I honestly think that if you kept regularly active doing workouts you enjoy, and being mindful of food, you will be fine. Easier said than done, I know. But I would suggest trying to not over plan and over think it all.
And you DESERVE to shop at those stores you want to. You obviously busted butt to get to where you are today. Think about that. You kicked ass and deserve to do the things you waited for.
What an amazing, honest post. I have some thoughts that I hope help:
Trust yourself, even when it’s hard, because you are the one who took you from 270lbTara to 170lbTara. You. You put in the work (physically and emotionally) and you will be the one who keeps yourself there. You WILL do it. Just like you took the weight off, you’ll make sure you keep it off.
Eventually you will trust yourself because you’ll see that you CAN. As time passes and you stay 170lbTara, you’ll know more and more that you are her. That 270lbTara is gone. And the more days that you KNOW that, the more days you keep EFT at bay.
So, like the teacher that I am, I’m giving you an assignment: Go to one of those stores you mentioned and buy an outfit. This weekend. Start with Old Navy, if you’d like, because that’s a lot less intimidating than A&F. And then each month (or week, if your budget will allow), go to one of the other stores and buy something new. Until you’ve visited all of the stores you want to and you can have visual proof that 170lbTara is here to stay. I’d like to see photos of your new outfit on Monday, please.
Girl, if I lived anywhere nearby, I’d be there to haul your ass to a proper store. I know it’s scary, but you’ve been waiting to go to Europe for a LONG time. Time to get off the plane and see the sites, planning be damned (although I understand what you mean).
I echo what most everyone else has said – you need learn to trust yourself (easier said than done, I know). In your spiritual journey, you’ve heard words (I hope) about grace, mercy, humility, gentleness, kindness, trust, peace….those all apply to how you treat yourself as well as others. Will you mess up at times? I’m sure of it. No one is perfect. But do you know now what you need to do when you do? absolutely. You got yourself to this point. You’re strong. You’re resilient. You. can. do. this.
When you figure out how to stop thinking like your 100+ pound old self, let me know. I struggle with that.
Wanna go shopping with me this weekend?? Pleeeeeze?
On a more serious note, thank you for sharing. And give yourself time to learn to trust yourself. It will come. After so many days, weeks, months, and eventually years of making overwhelmingly good decisions, you will learn to know in your BONES that you are trustworthy.
Even making MISTAKES will be a part of that process. Because mistakes are not the beginning of the end, as you are feeling right now. One piece of pie will not put you back at 270. And maybe? You just need to have some weeks and months strung together, NOT of perfection, but of honest, normal life. Good decisions 90% of the time, and leeway for the rest. Living THAT without regaining it all will be your PROOF that this? THIS is your new reality.
(Seriously, text me about the shopping!! We could meet at Southcenter & go to the Gap!!!)
These things take a LONG time. Be patient and kind with yourself. I had a horrible time going shopping forever, and then I would go in, and be convinced that all of the sales clerks were commenting behind my back about what I was doing in the store because I obviously wasn’t the size to fit into anything (when I really was), and would quickly exit the store. Finally my husband convince me I was making the whole thing up… Anyways… I guess my point is you are not alone, and the emotional thing often takes longer than the physical.
That’s it. We’re going shopping. You’re in a taper for the half, right? Laps at the mall will be your new cardio, at least for a day. It’s okay to not have it all figured out. You just can’t punish yourself when you try something and it doesn’t work.
Trusting anyone doesn’t happen overnight, yourself included. You’ve changed a lot on the inside and the outside. Part of making EFT get healthier is incrementally trusting thoughts and ideas that don’t come from her. But just like literally working your ass off, you take it step by step. And after a while, each step becomes less effective, so you have to climb up to the next step. And when you have lateral movements instead of forward movements, you look around, appreciate the view and then try something new. And when you have a step that takes you backward you reach out and lean on the masses that love you and are continually inspired by you.
Love you.
You don’t really want to go to Ambercrombie. When I was young and thin, like 135 pounds, I tried to shop there and nothing fit me. I was too big. Can I recommend Macy’s? They have nice stuff and something is always on sale.
I know exactly what you mean Tara about not trusting yourself. For as far as we’ve come and as much as we’ve accomplished, I still find myself slipping back into my old bad habits from time to time. I’m scared to death of losing control and going back to the way things were. Don’t want to ever be back in that place again.
It feels good to live honestly.
don’t be too hard on yourself, though. We all feel this way from time to time. At least I do. 🙂
I really can’t say much more than what’s already been said. But you can add me to the list of those who really understand what you are saying and feeling. It can take the mind a really long time to catch up. But you have to take things day by day. You can’t think too far in the long run because that’s when our “old” selves try to trick us into thinking we won’t *really* succeed at this. Set yourself up each DAY for success and do some of those things on your list. If you are anything like me, you won’t go shopping alone (I go and then I turn around and leave the store thinking “meh, nothing in my size here”), so take up these offers to go. All you need is just one success at a “normal” shop to feel like you are beating EFT. Don’t make me fly to Tacoma and drag your ass out of the house for some shopping 😉
Think of all the sweat and tears that went into the 100 lb loss, and now give yourself permission to do the 100 lbs mind-set change. It might take as long, or longer, than the weight loss. It is okay. The body may be in Europe, but the brain is still saving up for “some day” and the two must unite for it to all stick. Give yourself a break. You’re stronger than hell, and you know it, on some level because you’ve come so damned far. I love you, Tara, and I know you’re as worthy as anyone else to have ALL of your dreams.
My clothing goal? To shop somewhere really nice one day, like Ann Taylor or Talbots, where I think the women who walk through those doors have huge incomes, no worries and great lives. “Some day” I want to feel like that.
when I started this journey, I really truly thought it would be just about eating the right foods and hitting the gym — never did I realize how hard emotionally I would have to fight to overcome all of the emotional barriers. Stand proud, Tara, and fight. You’ve come so far and from what I know of you, the emotional stuff — although hard — will not stand in your way.