I’ve been having a lot of challenges lately.
It seems every aspect of my life has something in it that’s slowing it down and causing me to contemplate why I’m on this journey. Don’t get me wrong, there are many things in which I’m grateful but even with those things come challenges that I face on a daily basis. I’ve learned a lot over the course of the last 19 months of this LCJ including the idea that I struggle when practicing staying in the moment and sometimes I find myself sabotaging this journey instead of assisting it.
On one of my long commutes home last week I was not feeling very good about myself. I probably started the morning by looking in the mirror and saying something negative about the what I saw. I probably continued the self sabotaging by not making the best food choices. It probably continued with small comments to myself about how my clothes were fitting or how tired I was. By the end of the day I had a long drive with just me and my negative Nancy ways and from the events of the previous hours it looked like my negative thinking was going to win this battle. As I was leaving the city I happened to look at the side of a building and saw the following billboard message:
“Every Challenge is an Opportunity”
I knew it was supposed to be one of those Ah-ha moments but I was deep in negative play land and just wrote it down knowing I would contemplate it for a while and then make it a blog post. That’s what I’m here to do today. I’m going to take this time to write about my challenges and try to find the opportunities that I’m sure are being presented…
lincolnparks.com
Challenge: I’m finding a lot of challenge in staying physically active. Not long ago I used to get up and go to the gym multiple times a week by 5a (and by multiple I mean everyday) and break a sweat like it was no one’s business. For the past few weeks it’s been a challenge to get to the gym. I feel like I’ve fallen way behind on my Great Stair Climb of 2011, I’m not enjoying exercise as much and am contemplating ending my membership to the one place that has helped me shed 80 of the 110+ pounds over the last year and a half.
Opportunity: It could be time I look for another interest. Maybe it’s time I expand my horizon and begin looking into exercising more in my natural environment rather than my man made buildings full of treadmills and free weights. Sports are what I’m interested in but I’ve yet to look into playing something. I don’t know what is stopping me (fear of not being picked or being the least talented player). Playing outside is where I should be, but being stuck inside is what I’ve been doing.
Challenge: My food is way out of whack. I wake up in the morning feeling like I’m ready to make good choices and more often than not the day ends with me having made less than stellar choices. Mindless snacking seems to have taken up permanent residency and I find my myself digging into store bought bags of chips or spoonfuls of peanut butter. I don’t have any goals in front of me that propel me forward down the road of righteous choices. Instead I just have “oh what the fuck does it matter” playing over and over in my head.
Opportunity: While my food choices have sucked there is something I’m actually proud of: I’ve stopped eating out as much. It used to be I would eat out multiple times per week (usually for lunch). Now I’m spending more time cooking meals for the week (by meals I mean I cook one big pan of something and eat it for a week) and actually finishing my food stored in my refrigerator rather than letting it spoil because I want to eat chicken teriyaki or a big ass bowl of pho. I may need to take this time to try out some new recipies.
(extra opportunity): Because I’ve been snacking more and craving foods that are not as good for me as they could be, I’ve relaxed a little about what I’m eating. Take yesterday for example I was craving chocolate. I took a walk on my break to fulfill this craving but instead of buying some cheap ass snickers bar I took the time to seek out some fancy ass chocolate. I looked them all over and finally settled in on Dagoba Organic dark chocolate. It was lavender and wild blueberry. I ate it slow and it was delicious. While I was there I saw that they were making homemade pizza and it’s been high on my list too. I opted to buy the chocolate and instead of the pizza I bought a small container of brown rice and black beans. The pizza? I bought the biggest slice I could and gave it to the nice homeless man outside…(we both got what we wanted)
Challenge: I’m not enjoying running like I used too. I know that my love for running ebbs and flows as it always has since I picked up this nasty wonderful horrible awesome habit and right now the flow of love is lacking. This is bad timing as I have Ragnar coming up so very very soon. This will be the longest I’ve run (33 miles in a 36 hour period) and right now I’m lucky if I can get out the door and run 8 miles every other (other other) day. It’s frustrating to say the least.
Opportunity: I always do better when I have a race coming up. I’m afraid of Ragnar and I know this to be the biggest reason I’m not training as hard as I should be. I’ve already resigned myself to not being successful before I even step up to the starting line. I will be running with 5 other people who will cheer me on like it’s no one’s business and at the end of the day I know I will finish what I came to do so instead of feeling like I’m going to be the weakest link, I’m focusing on the fact that so few people have the balls to do this as an ultra team (6 runners instead of 12). Not to mention my team name is Team Optimus Prime (Fuck Yhea!). It’s going to be hard but in that there will be a lot of laughing and some friendships being built that will last a life time. July 22nd I’ll be afraid. July 23rd I’ll be a Ragnar finisher.
Challenge: My weight is up slightly. By slightly I mean it’s fluctuates between 158 – 160. I am disappointed in myself even though it is a very healthy weight for me to be at. I remember how happy I was when I hit 160 and that I was at peace with that number. When I hit 150 (which was not healthy and I reached it in an unhealthy manner) I wanted to stay there knowing I didn’t feel good physically or mentally. The scale has slowly crept back up to numbers that should make me happy but to be honest, they don’t.
Opportunity: I need to take the time to remember where I was, how hard I worked to leave that lifestyle behind and that 110 pounds is nothing to fucking shake a damn stick at. It’s weird to feel disappointed in going from a 120 pounds weight loss to 110 pounds like people are going to think less of me. For fuck sake, I’ve lost 110 pounds. That’s freaking amazing. People magazine should plaster my face all over the cover of their magazine because I am the epitome of successful weight loss. No fads, no pills, no surgery…just took my life back one pound at a time. I need to spend more time looking at the parts of me that I do love (biceps, neck, calves) and spend less time focused on what I don’t like (skin skin and more skin). Instead of focusing on the number I should be slapping my own ass every time I put on my favorite pair of size 8 jeans and try to take myself to third base (bow chicka bow wow)…
Challenge: Life choices are so up in the air right now I don’t know which way to turn. New situations bring excitement and wonder. At the same time they bring frustration and fear. I feel like my emotional state is ever changing and just when I think I have a grasp on what I’m feeling, it changes and I’m off chasing another emotional break down in hopes that the damage done to myself and those affected by it is minimal and clean up on aisle 5 won’t be nearly as messy as I imagined. Work is not as available to me as I would like and that makes moving forward in my personal life that much more difficult. I want to get from point A to point Z as soon as possible (like last month would have been ideal) but right now the universe has something else in store for me.
Opportunity: What has been presented to me is amazing. There is no rush to get from point A to point Z. The path ahead of me is set forth and while the destination will be spectacular, the journey is where the true beauty lies. Some days I revel in that beauty and enjoy what is right in front of me. Other days I feel I’m a bull in a glass shop and I’m about to break everything in sight and I won’t know how to super glue all the tiny pieces back together. Luckily there is an abundance of patience (not on my part) that firmly plants me in the here and now but also understands that I tend to waiver to the left and right often.
So those are the challenges of my life right now. One thing I know for sure on this journey is life is about challenges. Some are easily tackled with a sense of accomplishment and a feeling of being able to take on the world. Others leave you feeling a little less accomplished and a little more defeated. One thing is for certain: I will continue to move forward to the best of my ability. I will wake up everyday wanting to make the necessary and needed changes to continue to live the life I deserve. I understand that not everyday / week / month is going to be stellar. Some months you’ll want to frame and display them on your most prominent wall in the house for the world to see. Others you’ll want to sweep under the rug to live with the dirty dust bunnies…
Either way I’m living.
Are you?
it’s funny.
odd not ha ha.
that even tho I know we ALL ALL STRUGGLE you seem so badass and TOGETHER it is still surprising and so normalizing for me to know you, too, have your days.
I just adore the way you write. your voice.
Carla
Just wanted to say I feel you – been having some challenges myself and I feel like it is always best to look at them as opportunities for growth. Change is fucking scary but it is part of this process. I like to view the fear as a compass – like it is telling me “go this way because when you do it is going to rock your world”. That helps me move through and face the fear and do what needs to be done.
For a Negative Nancy, you sure do have an awful lot of Positive Polly going on in this post. I’m proud of you for taking a look at what is making the road rocky on your LCJ at the moment and finding some smooth asphalt to maneuver the tires onto. Those smooth spots are always there, you just have to be alert enough to see the rocks coming and make the necessary adjustments.
There’s positive focus in all of this, and exciting changes on the horizon. I’m blessed that I get to be there with you as you sort out just what those changes will be. xo
very well said Meegan!
Have you ever thought about Roller Derby? Seems like a kick ass chick like you might be an awesome Roller Girl. From what I understand, women of all ages, shapes, activity levels, and backgrounds play, and they will often teach you everything you need to know!
Otherwise, hang in there! You’re giving all of this a lot of consideration, and I think that’s good.
Have you thought about CrossFit? I think it’s totally normal — though I know it FEELS freaky and alarming — to want to retool things once in a while. Everyone goes through phases. Go to where you are drawn. Based on following this blog and Twitter, it seems like CrossFit might be a good option.
Tara…I’m feeling particularly challenged right now as well. Ragnar freaks me out because of my foot. I haven’t been working out enough because of my foot and my weight has creeped up a bit. My eating has been out of whack because of vacations and holidays. A shit storm of excuses is flowing through my head these days. But the challenges are good for us and the successes are even sweeter because of them. Let’s kick those thoughts out on their asses together ok? Love you.
I wonder…on the days you feel like the lost puppy, or the scrawny kid thinkin they will be the last pick for the team, you still–inadvertently—inspire me. Yes, I am inspired that you lost 120lbs–it is a phenomenal thing, indeed—but its your internal struggles: the day by day, minute by minute war waged within.
By opening the door and letting light into the dark places within you, you inspire me. By feeling vulnerable and scared to death, you inspire me. When you feel like you’re a fraud and wonder “what the hell am I doing trying to spur OTHERS on to start living again, when I cant get my OWN shit together!?”
On the days you berate yourself, ignoring all the progress you’ve made because you’re zoned in on some fluctuation on the scale, and hating yourself for not being stronger. For not being perfect. You inspire me. When you feel like the biggest fuck up in the world, you voice my own thoughts, and you inspire me.
Your blogs are your catharsis, your reaching out to other fuck ups (aka…me) and blast a spotlight on the ugliness that this disease is. This addiction that people scoff with, “If you had more willpower you would just do it.” to them it is that simple. As you so expertly show, the journey is both inside AND out. If it were a matter of a walk, a run, a stair…more of us would be model material. But its not just that. Its the war inside, fighting our worst opponent. Ourselves.
Through the beauty of your journey…through the true battle of it all…you inspire me. You do not run anymore from what you think and feel and crave and need….you look it squarely in the face. On the days you feel quite alone, know you have my arms of thanks around you.
You inspire me.
Yeah…now I know what you meant when you commented on my Mount Misery post yesterday 🙂
I love how you’ve taken these challenges and found opportunities in them…following your though processes is helpful to me.
I love that you own your struggles and share them. It helps me remember that even those that are Rockstar’s in my book are also human and go through the same problems that I do. It reminds me that it will not always be easy, but it also will not always be hard. Thank you Tara
http://www.bodyrock.tv <— to keep you busy until you find an outdoor sport you love 🙂
Tara – I have recently started reading your LCJ and you inpsire me. I have lost 70 pounds and had found recently that I only really wrote about the good stuff. I was always amped to tell everyone about the weight loss, the great run, the new pants I was able to wear I neglected to tell everyone about the days I ate way more than I should have, etc. For awhile there all of these people reading my blog came to think that I was just cruising through this journey and all was good. I wrote a very honest and truthful post yesterday and talked about the things that scare me and the things that I struggle with daily. I was relieved to find that people were glad to hear that I struggled and was human – it made the whole thing feel more attainable and real to them – that was what I had wanted all along. I guess what I am trying to say is that you putting these thoughts out here and confronting your challenges and putting the positive spin on them is so inspiring and reminds us all that no matter what we bump up against there is a way to get around it. Thank you for your gift of writing! I look forward to continue witnessing your LCJ.
I just love you so much. Because of your neverending honesty and willingness to look at What Is Going On. So many of us founder, flounder and wallow without really looking at anything beyond “I feel like crap.” I’ve had a bit of a rut/stuck place lately that echoes yours in some ways. A lot of change and transition which leads to fear and anxiety and EATING and less activity. I decided to shake that up by training for my first tri in spite of being a very mediocre swimmer and a sucky, terrified cyclist (and a plodding turtleish runner). It was just the shakeup I needed. I think. ANyway, I am sending you tons and tons of love. I love that every Challenge is paired with an Opportunity. Which is SO YOU. I LOVE YOU.