 In this world of the blogiverse sometimes we feel a little lost in how to connect with each other. We read the words of others, so eloquently laid before us, and wonder if what we say is as meaningful. We have big emotional feelings that we feel we can never share with some one close to us let alone people we’ve never even laid eyes on. Yet we yearn for the same release that we see so many others feel as they bare their souls to the unknown and find healing in the knowledge that we are not alone in this together.
You only have to spend a few minutes perusing my own blog to understand that in order to save myself from lifetime of hate and obesity I needed to find a place of comfort and safety to say whatever I wanted, when I wanted and many times without needing to worry about what others would think. Oh I’m sure I’ve lost some readers as I continue to drop the eff bomb or talk about issues that are hard for some to read.
This blog has become a haven for me.
When I sit down to write something my thoughts, emotions and processes are often such a jumbled mess in my noggin that the three to four hours it takes me to finally hit the publish button is mostly because this blog has become an important tool in helping me think. It helps me to put words to what I’m feeling. To see those words and almost step out of myself and read them as a separate entity. When I read and re-read a blog post it’s as if I’m looking at someone else’s blog and I am learning from them.
I often hear from others they wish they could lay it on the line the way I do.
Not too long ago I got a tweet from Becky saying how brave I was to share my story so openly. We exchanged a few messages back and forth and what she was really saying is she wished she could do the same thing but didn’t think she could hit the publish button on a post she had written for her blog: If You Give A Girl A Cookie.
So I’ve offered to do it for her.
As you read this think about what’s it like sharing on your own blog. Do you have things you’re too afraid to say but want to get out there for others to read/share/experience? Maybe this is the avenue for you. Maybe you just need someone to help you hit that publish button…
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 A long time ago, in a land far away (Okay it was 1998 and Mississippi, but I digress), a boy asked a girl he barely knew to marry him. The silly girl said yes, even though they had only known each other for six weeks. So they ran off to New Orleans and got married, quickie Las Vegas style. The boy said “I’ve never been happier”
Then the boy and the girl (both being in the military –Go Air Force!) were transferred to Omaha, Nebraska…way far away from everyone they knew and loved. But they had each other… and a dog. They were very happy, and very in love and as we all know, when people are happy and in love, they eat and drink and “sleep”. After all this eating and drinking, the girl began to gain some weight but the boy promised to always love her, no matter what. So, the girl didn’t worry.
One day, the girl found out some really good news! Pregnant! the boy was really excited and told the girl how he had never been happier in his WHOLE life. Life was good for the two of them and they continued to eat and drink, after all, they were eating for “two” now. Several months later, baby boy was born. He was a big one: eight whole pounds. The girl wondered why she had gained nearly 40-if he was only eight pounds but the boy said “It’s okay, I love you anyway”. So the girl didn’t worry and they all continued to eat and drink-after all, they were breastfeeding, so more calories the better, right?
Four months after the joyous birth, the girl started feeling ill. She worried that something was really wrong–so she went to the doctor and got some news… Pregnant again. The boy said “I have NEVER been happier in my whole life” so the girl didn’t worry about how she looked. She knew he loved her, no matter what. So came baby boy number two. He was even bigger ! Nine and a half pounds…and the boy said “Wow, you gained almost forty with him too, I can’t believe he’s only nine and a half pounds”, and the girl started to worry that the boy didn’t like her anymore, but the boy said “You are getting heavy, but I love you anyway”, so she stopped worrying.
The boy and the girl and baby boy one and baby boy two all were very happy for about a year. Then came baby…number three. A girl this time! The girl was very happy because the boy said ” I have NEVER been happier” and she believed him. Before the baby was born, the girl decided she didn’t want to re-enlist in the military so she didn’t. But the boy did. The girl wanted to go home to their families but said “what ever makes you happy, love”. So the boy re-enlisted.
The little (big) family all lived together happily in Nebraska for two more years… and then one day thegirl came home and saw something funny on the bed. A camera..the girl didn’t think much of it and took the film into the store to get it processed. When it came back, the girl was confused because it had pictures of one of her very good friends on it. She asked the boy about it..and he said “She must have left it here when she was here the last time…”, but the girl didn’t remember the last time that the friend had been over, so she chalked it up to “pregnancy brain” and let it go. A few days later, the boy came home and said “We are moving!” and the family went off to Iceland and were very happy there. .
While they were in Iceland, the girl met some good friends and started eat out and drink all the time with them. The boy said “Have fun, you need to be more social”. So the girl did. One day the boy came up to the girl and said, “I want to go back to school.” So the girl said, ” I will get a job and help you pay for it. ” so the girl got a job and put all of the money she earned into school for the boy. While helping the boy fill out paperwork one day, the girl saw an email that was on his computer-it said something about a “wonderful night” that the boy had shared with someone and that someone “hoped they could do it again soon”. The girl asked the boy what it was about, and the boy said it was just a joke from an old friend. The girl believed him.
Then one day, the boy and the girl and their little family went on a vacation around Iceland. They stopped at a cabin to spend a few days. The boy and the girl decided to get into the hot tub. When the girl got in, the boy said “Hey Shamu” and laughed at the girl. The girl became very upset and asked the boy what he meant by that. The boy said he was just joking so the girl believed him. The boy came home from work a few days later and said “We are moving back to Nebraska” and the girl was happy. The little (big) family moved home and were happy for a few years.
Then one day, the girl and the boy went to lunch with the kids and the boy asked the girl if he could tell her something. The girl was excited because this usually meant good things. The boy told the girl…” You are fat. I am not attracted to you anymore. I don’t want to be married any more”. The girl was devastated and asked the boy why he never said anything to her before…he had always said he was happy. The boy said…I LIED.
The girl said “I need to do something to change this” and she found a special website (SparkPeople) and a very special friend, who sat her down and told her all the things that she needed to do to make her life healthier. This friend was an inspiration and is still counted among the girls nearest and dearest friends, because if the girl hadn’t met with the friend…she wasn’t quite sure if she’d make it through. The girl went and got on a scale that same day and saw an awful number (257) and she told the boy…and he said “You disgust me”, so the girl started kickboxing.
 The girl worked hard at getting healthier and told the boy that she was trying to get better for him. He said, “that makes me happy” …and she believed him. Then the girl found out that she was pregnant again. The boy said “That makes me even HAPPIER” and she believed him. But things went wrong, and the girl lost the baby after three months. The boy said “Oh Well..now you can lose weight again”, so the girl went back to her exercise plan and decided to become a vegetarian.
Then one day, the girl went downstairs and looked at the bank statements and found that the boy had paid for a divorce lawyer…and when she asked the boy why he said “You’re too fat, I am not happy”. So the girl and the kids went home to her parents for a few weeks.
While she was there, she talked with her mom and thought a long time about the boy and their marriage and figured out that he wasn’t making her happy either. So, she went back to the boy and said “You make me unhappy too.” and the boy was shocked. He said “you won’t find anyone like me, ever. You are too big to find anyone”, and the girl said “Try me.” and walked out on him after living with the boy for twelve years. A few days later, the boy moved in a young woman and told the entire world that he had “NEVER BEEN HAPPIER” The girl laughed then, because she knew it was a lie.
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It’s a long story, I know. I apologize. I had to get it out there and hopefully
someone can benefit from my experiences and pain.
It took a lot of soul searching and yes, even counseling to realize that I need to be happy for me..not for anyone else. If I want to lose weight and get healthy, it’s got to be because I want to do it for me, and no one else. I have worked for the last two years almost to get to where I am. I am now (give or take a few) 50 pounds lighter and a whole hell of a lot stronger, physically and emotionally. I am not going to lie and say I’ve never done anything wrong, or wanted to quit and give up or that I couldn’t have done things differently. I’m sure I could have, but I didn’t have the strength then to say “enough is enough”. I still have days where it’s all I can do to get out of bed and get dressed. I’m not perfect, somedays– I don’t work-out and I eat like crap, I feel down and wonder if it’s all really worth the effor that I am trying to put into it, and I ask myself, is this the choice I want to make right now, and yeah, sometimes I really want to choose the chocolate cake and beer, so I do. But, making choices and learning from them is the best part of this journey, because there are always choices, multiple paths to take to get to where you want to go and one of them will invariably be the easy path, but its only reward at the end– is that it was easy. I’m not one to take the easy path. I started thinking about this a while ago, and I guess the epiphany moment for me was that “weight-loss” itself can not be, IS not, my “Choice.”
My choice has to be more tied into what I want out of life, my long term dreams, my goals, my aspirations in life. How can I possibly get excited, how can I possibly dedicate myself to something that I have not linked to the more important things I want out of life. Yeah, I want to fit into smaller jeans, but c’mon, when I lay back on my deathbed and think of the important things in life, am I really going to reflect back to the day I finally fit into a pair of skinny jeans? Maybe, but probably not.
 I realized that my choices are my larger life goals, the things I want, my dreams, and that weight loss is merely one tiny step, one tiny choice out of that whole journey. I guess what I am saying is that somewhere along this journey I lost that perspective, and a little bit of myself, as well. I did ultimately come to view myself as a number on the scale and that was a measurement of success/failure that I clung too. It was for that number that I worked the various programs, with the goal being to get skinny. Of course, I had other reasons “to improve my health” and to feel better, but I completely lost what that meant or why it was important. Simply losing became the goal and honestly, a shallow, unsustainable, and hollow one. No wonder I burnt out, no wonder I can’t find dedication. If someone at the end of my life asked, “and what did you do with your life?” and my answer was “I lost a lot of weight,” that would be really, really sad. And of course, not true, because I was a great mother, a good friend, a caring person, but in terms of the goals that I set for myself and carried out, if losing was my only goal, I would not be satisfied, because losing weight in and of itself is simply not enough.
Losing weight is not going to take me to my goals and dreams, but it is a step towards them, not something I am simply doing for getting skinnys sake. At the same time, that being said, there are a lot of other steps/transformations that I need to be doing at the same time I am working my towards my weight loss goals. My weight loss is not my lifelong dream, it is a choice towards the kind of life I want, but that life is not going to be magically waiting there for me once I hit goal. Larger dissatisfactions are not just going to melt away cause I am skinny. Shaky relationships are not going to miraculously improve just cause I got skinny. My self esteem is not going to magically improve because I am thinner (it may improve some, but so far, it hasn’t). It just isn’t. So I make the choice to to take the hard path, the one where I cry sometimes and hurt sometimes and push myself to make the choices that will ultimately take me to where I want to to go.
What do you do?
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 Sometimes I wake up and I feel like my brain is going to explode.
So many thoughts about my life, the people in my life, where I want to take my life and how I can make it all happen in the short amount of time I feel like I’ve pressured myself into. There is something to be said about waking up after “40 years of slumber” and actually have dreams of doing something awesome with your life: You feel like you’ve wasted so much time in the beginning and in the end there isn’t enough time to accomplish anything.
I will get so caught up in what I think has to be done that I’m too afraid to even start. Afraid of actually being successful at something (and something that I know I would kick ass in). Afraid that when I put it out to the universe that I would like too (insert Big Oprah style dream here) all I will hear are loud cricket sounds of no one responding. I go to an event like Fitbloggin and connect with amazing people doing amazing things and I feel all pumped to get home and work my magic except when I reach into my top hat to pull out the proverbial rabbit I come up with nothing.
And yet I know it’s all inside of me just waiting to be released.
I try to tell myself to slow down, to take it one step at a time. That my life now isn’t about making up for the last 40 some odd years of being lazy, morbidly obese and disconnected from my life. It’s about looking forward and while maybe I won’t ever be Oprah famous and change the entire world and the way we think about ourselves, I do have something to share not only with those that happen upon my blog/my twitter/my Facebook and that something is kind of big…
I need to look at the forward of my life like I did my weight loss. I tend to look big picture and get all freaked out. When I started for the umpteeth time to lose weight I started out BIG PICTURE. How the fuck was I supposed to lose 110 pounds just to be in “normal range”? It’s never going to happen so whats the point in even trying. Over and over again I’d feel pumped to at least *try* but soon after feel like a failure when it wasn’t coming off fast enough or possibly not at all. It’s how I started the last time too.
Big Picture Focused
I’d lose five or ten pounds and instead of feeling good about it, I’d be disappointed because it wasn’t ONE HUNDRED AND TEN POUNDS! It took quite the mind shift and body patience to stop focusing on the BIG PICTURE and break it into smaller achievable goals. Each time I lost five pounds I gave myself the necessary credit for the hard work (physically/emotionally/mentally) and then refocused on the next five. Funny how when you break things down into more “simple” easily achievable goals shit actually starts to get done around these parts.
So I’m trying to take a lesson from what I learned over the course of eleven months: Twenty two successful five pound weight loss goals still got me to the one hundred and ten pound big picture loss that I was so sure I couldn’t achieve. I may not ever be Oprah big but each small successful step in the right direction will bring me closer to that dream (that I deserve).
Now let’s talk about you for a minute.
Are you BIG PICTURE FOCUSED?
Let’s work on this together. Can you break things down into more manageable goals? Can you stop looking at the “Oh for Pete’s sake I can’t lose (insert big picture weight here) pounds” or the “I’ll never be able to accomplish (insert big picture life goal here)”? Can we make a pact to just slow down for a bit…slow way down and take those I will never be able to do this so why even try BIG PICTURE thoughts and break them down into something smaller? And if those something smaller goals still seem to much, break them down to even something smaller?
I have some pretty big dreams that I would like to accomplish but they won’t come to fruition if I just think about how impossible it’s going to be and so I should just never get started. Oprah didn’t start out owning the entire universe…She started in her “neighborhood” and remained goal oriented. She accomplished one thing at a time and at the end of the day all those small goals led to something SPECTACULAR!…
It doesn’t matter how “slow” you go as long as you continue to move forward!
This is Fitbloggin
This is family.
I’m having a hard time trying to get my thoughts together in order to do a “recap” of how I spent the last weekend week driving 1100 miles to see old friends that couldn’t join me in Baltimore, picking up new friends on the way to Baltimore, spending 3 there weren’t enough hours in the days connecting and reconnecting and then repeating that drive back to Halifax.
If you are even the slightest bit a part of the weight loss blogging community you’ve been inundated with the hashtag #Fitbloggin and bombarded with pictures of “OMG look it’s (insert blogger here)” and “So good to be spending time with (insert blogger here)”. The weekend has come and gone and we have returned to our homes. Returned to our “everyday” lives. Returned to the world of building friendships via twitter/facebook/blogging with some of those friendships more solid today than they were just a few short days ago.
This is not the recap of that weekend.
The recaps of the awesome swag bag (insert obligatory thank you to Reebok, McCormick Spices, Weight Watchers, JumpSports, Pure Canadian Maple Syrup, Florida Grapefruit, Got Chocolate Milk?, Beef, Naturemade, American Cancer Society, Eggland’s Best, Popchips, SoyJoy, PuraVit, FitMixer, BistroMD, ZonePerfect, Attune Foods, and BiProUSA) can be found on the Fitbloggin Webpage and each recap will bring a different perspective of what each of us brought home (in our gym bags and in our hearts)…
When I went to Fitbloggin last year, I didn’t know what to expect, who I would have the opportunity to meet and how it would affect me weeks, months a year later. For me it all came down to one pivotal moment. One interaction that defined what fitbloggin meant to me (and what I think it means to a lot other people):
Jess’s recap of “the Walk”
My recap of “the Walk”
Thinking about that mile walk still makes me tear up. But more importantly it has opened my heart up to look for those “pivotal” moments not at the conference as a whole but in individual interactions. All weekend I waited for that moment. The moment that would solidify once again why I drove for 3 days (with of course the much needed stop over in Boston to see Colleen) and for 3 days it didn’t come.
Don’t get me wrong, I loved EVERY second of Fitbloggin. More so than last year because the nerves of the unexpected were gone. I was seeing old friends and stocking up on the much needed hugs that I had missed for the past 18 months but *that* moment just never came. I was meeting new friends and putting faces to 140 character tweets I had been reading for the past 18 months but *that* moment never came. Our discussion on “When you have a lot to lose” went better than expected and the room was filled with tears and heart felt stories of both triumphs and set backs, but *that* moment never came. Sunday I ran my 5k then turned around and ran the route backwards to cheer people on that were finishing behind me because I wanted people to know that I’m rooting for them and their journeys but again; *that* moment never came. Sunday we said our goodbyes, our last hugs, our “see you on twitter” and “Let’s plan for 2013” and began the long drive back to Halifax…
I woke up Monday morning…
*That* moment was waiting for me.
My friend Steve wrote a blog post titled “Don’t be Me” and at 6:30 Monday morning, tired from lack of sleep and a long day’s drive behind (and ahead) of me, I could barely keep it together as the tears streamed down my face and I read the post to Meegan.
“I say don’t be me, because somewhere inside me, there is damage. The cancer of hate has spread, and it’s causing the support beams to buckle, or the neurons to misfire, or whatever. I’m not to a point where I am completely incapable of experiencing joy, or wonder, but I fear what will happen if the course continues. I know what to do, and on the surface I will try, but then I will falter and give up, because deep down inside there is a part of me that doesn’t feel like it’s worth the trouble.”
“If you feel this is happening to you, or has already happened, please do something about it. Put it out there, because people need to know what is going on with you under whatever sort of front you are putting on, and then get help. I can’t really offer up what kind of help, because I don’t know, and I’m just as lost in all of this as you are, but try anything! Speak to a therapist, or go to a support group, or talk to your pastor, or blog, but do something. But be open, and be honest, because hiding any part of this is like a doctor only removing part of a tumor. Eventually it will grow back, and the cycle will begin again.”
I didn’t need a face to face interaction for that “pivotal” moment to happen. I just needed to read the raw truth about what this journey can do, what it’s about, and how to get the fuck off the proverbial couch and take control of my life. You see some of us go to Fitbloggin because we want the swag or we want to drive more traffic to our blogs. Some of us go to be seen and some of us go so afraid of being seen for the truth of how we truly feel about ourselves that we hide in a facade of what we think is reality.
Steve says to not be like him but I’m begging you to actually be more like him.
He may not have been able to say the things he did to someone in person but he had the courage to put it down in words and then hit one of the most scariest buttons in our journeys: Publish. It probably felt ugly and shameful but it also probably felt incredibly freeing to be so raw that it didn’t matter what anyone thought because in the end the hate you think the world feels towards you is nothing in comparison to the hate you feel inside when you’re looking at yourself in the mirror while the pain from the voices inside are beating you down.
Putting it out there = not alone.
We share stories so that others won’t feel like they are alone in this muddled journey of life changes. It doesn’t matter whether those stories are shared face to face or on your blog. It does’t matter if you managed to share all there is in 140 characters or less or take your heart in your hands and say to the world “Please, I am hurting.”
We are listening.
It was in that early morning moment, tears flowing, snot bubbles forming that my heart reached out to Steve and my fingers penned this reply: “Well fuck. Here it is 6:30 in the morning, the first day after Fitbloggin and I’m crying like a freaking baby and can hardly see the keyboard on my phone to type this out to you. There are so many things I want to say Steve. I can’t eloquently say any of them except this: I get this. Do you hear me? I get this. I can’t tell you how many times I stood in front of the mirror and berated my body for being fat. I would punch my fat and say “you’re so effin ugly” and then hit myself in the head for crying. It was a horrible vicious circle that I allowed myself to be in but didn’t know how to get out of it. I don’t have any words of wisdom on how to get yourself out of it. Deep down inside I believe you already know. But know this my friend, you deserve to get yourself out of that vicious circle. You deserve (no matter how hard or how small the steps feel) to move forward. I have so much respect and admiration for your raw honesty in this post. This is one of those hard steps forward. We all believe in you Steve and will always be here to show you until you can believe in yourself.”
Until you can believe in yourself…
We are here.
 I’m sore.
Today is nothing but resting my legs, eating lots of good food and drinking a crap ton of water to help recover after the Maritime Race Weekend and earning not one but three kick ass medals.
Oh and of course writing the recap.
It’s hard to know how a recap is going to go when you sit down to tap tap tap on the keyboard. Will it turn into a long (and possibly boring) mile by mile account of the race? Will it adequately convey all the feelings that are wrapped up in running a marathon? This one is a little different because it was a weekend full of running; not just one race but two. Not just one medal but three. Not just doing what everyone else was doing but setting myself apart (along with 500 out of the 2000 runners who also choose to participate in the Tartan Twosome challenge).
It was an amazing weekend.
First off let me say that Michelle Kempton and Stacy Chestnutt (the co-founders of United by Running) know how to put together a race beyond your expectation. This by far blows the Bluenose Marathon out of the water and lots of organizations could learn a lot about how to keep runners and happy and most importantly how to keep them coming back for your races.
Friday Night:
 Any race with pirates gets an A+ in my book!
 We are ready to earn our medals.  Got to see meet Nicole who was running her first 5k!  I totally love this picture of Meegan waiting for the start of the 5k. Most times I wouldn’t do a recap on a 5k. Funny how these days running 3.1 miles doesn’t faze me in the slightest. I can remember like it was yesterday stepping up to the Great Kilted Run back in May 2010. I was so nervous to be running my first 5k. I remember standing with all the other runners and my friend Elizabeth telling me not to run to the start line but to walk (because your chip doesn’t start until you cross and it gives you time to relax), to walk to the side (so that all the people wanting to start off fast can pass) and to enjoy the run. I read over the race recap and am almost in tears because of the following line:
“She’s (Elizabeth) getting ready to do an ENTIRE MARATHON (Rock and Roll San Diego) June 6th. Unbelievable!”
And here I am a double marathoner.
But you see there is a recap to this race because the week before I had gone out to Eastern Passage and run the 5k route (twice) for fun just so I would know in advance what it was going to look like. The first practice run I finished in 28:o6 and was extremely happy with the time. It wasn’t the fastest 5k I’d ever run but it was a lot faster than the ones I’d been running in the previous weeks. I had pushed but not too much and as my heart rate came down I wondered if I could really push myself. I knew exactly where the turn around point was so I wouldn’t be preoccupied about logistics. I could just run as fast as I could and see what my body could muster…
The second time I just let it all go. Moved my body as fast as it would take me and focused on getting back to where I started faster the second time than the first. My fastest 5k race up to that point was 27:16 and if I could come in anywhere close to that I would have been thrilled. I don’t know why I wanted to beat that time so bad during that practice run. Maybe because I had been struggling with the long miles over the summer and felt like my running wasn’t as strong as I would like it to be. I know I’ll never be a Boston Qualifier or come in first place for any race I will run, but sometimes you need even the slightest milestone to feel strong. I came to the end of that second 5k and looked down at my time: 26:50! Not only had I ran faster the second time but I had earned a PR on that day too.
On Friday I woke up with my mind on the Marathon but as time got closer to the start of the 5k I began to think about that 26:50 PR. I couldn’t decide if I wanted to just relax, run and not push too hard since I was going to be earning my second 26.2 in less than twelve hours, run a little harder and come in somewhere sub 30 minutes or just say fuck it and go balls to the freaking walls.
Long story short: I balls to the walled it!
Official time = 25:19
Saturday
Here we go! Time to earn the second part of the Tartan Twosome and earn the bragging rights of completing my second marathon. This race felt different than the Bluenose. Not a lot of reflection of who I was before and who I was at the starting line. No trademark sign on my back. I was just there to run and with that fast 5k under my belt a new glimmer of hope that maybe I could also earn myself a new PR on this marathon as well.
 We are ready to go! The first half of the race went really well. All of the runners started out together with the 10k(ers) breaking off first and then the half marathoners breaking away about 2 hours into the run. It helps to pass the time as you watch the 10k runners leave the pack and begin to ask each other whether they were running the half or the full. Out of 1025 runners that crossed the starting line together only 46 of us were completing the full.
 
The first half of the race I felt strong. I kept the 9 min run / 1 min walk pace and knew early on that I would be coming in faster than the 5:08:28 time from the Bluenose in May. The question was how much faster. I did some calculations and thought it would be around the 4 hour and 30 minute mark but what I didn’t take into account was how lonely the second half of the race would be. As soon as I hit the split off from the half marathoners I was all alone. Not just “Oh look at that runner way up there I wonder if I’ll ever get a chance to pass them” kind of alone. I mean I never saw another runner after the 12 mile mark…
Now don’t get me wrong. I’ve spent the entire summer majority of my running alone but this was different. I wasn’t at all familiar with the route and with only 46 of us running this full marathon, the fast runners all stick together and us slower runners just try to finish. The only saving grace was having my phone (and constant contact with Meegan) and all the awesome volunteers at the water stations. It’s hard to stay energetic when the most of the marathoners come by together and for the next 3 hours the rest of us trickle by but every time they saw me they were as excited to see me as I was of them.
 The trail was the hardest part of the race.  Not another marathoner in sight. It wasn’t until I came out of the trail and hit the 32k mark that my spirit started to wane. If this was a practice run I probably would have thrown in the towel and had Meegan come pick me up. I started to wonder if I could spend another hour out on the course by myself and keep up a pace to beat my last marathon. I was still running the 9/1 at this point but was slowing down quite a bit. Whether the 5k the previous night was affecting my running now I’ll never really know but I was beginning to feel a lot of pain in my hamstrings and in my lower back. My time at the water stations was getting longer because I needed to be around people. The thought of running another few miles on the side of a road alone was almost too agonizing.
Eventually the 9/1 turned into a 5 min run / 1 minute walk and “for the love of God Tara, keep moving“.
 At some point I was having a full on conversation with my feet to just keep moving. At the 35k (mile 22) mark I found the Team in Training water stop and it was there I spent the most time. One of the volunteers walked with me for a bit and fed me bananas. I wanted to hug her for taking such good care of me even if it was for less than 3 minutes. I still had 4 miles to go and I was still making good time to come in under 5 hours but my body was pretty much done as I hobbled away from the TNT station with a hearty “GO TEAM”.
Eventually I came to the same spot where the marathoners split from half marathoners earlier and it was finally my turn to make that right turn towards the finish line instead of the left that had me alone for the last 2+ hours. I was definitely walking more than I wanted but I every step was still bringing me closer to the finish line. My legs felt like they were on fire and all I wanted to do was to be done and be with Meegan…
The last mile was here.
I had to tell Meegan I was in a lot of pain and I was going slow. Even if I walked the rest of the way I was going to beat my first marathon by a few minutes. But I didn’t want to walk. I wanted to run. I wanted to finish strong because this is how I prove to myself that going back to 270 pounds and sitting in chair all day was never going to be an option for my life again. The pain I was feeling was because I was conquering my second marathon. That girl from the Kilted run thought it was unbelievable that her friend Elizabeth was preparing for her marathon. That girl never imagined this would become her life. That girl never thought she’d not only run one marathon but would be completing her second, preparing for her third and then begin her training for Half Ironman.
That girl never believed in this:
4:56:04
 Holy crap! Medals AND ice cream at the finish line!!!  Life is better when you collect medals together!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EN6YJNpHplQ&feature=g-upl
 There won’t be much time for blogging after this coming Friday.
There will be a lot of running.
Then a lot of driving.
Then a lot of Fitbloggin(g).
Then back to the driving part.
Then who knows what happens after that.
My brain is sort of scattered as I force myself to slow down both emotionally and physically as the second marathon is just days away. Lots of stuff floating around in my noggin about food, going back to maintenance, eagerly waiting for my letter approving my permanent residency (and the mounting frustration at hearing nada, zilch, zip, not a damn peep), fitbloggin, the discussion group, the drive, the cost of the trip, the change in seasons fast approaching, upcoming marathon #3, and pretty much anything else…
OH LOOK A SQUIRREL!
That’s been about my attention span and as for my emotional “attention” span it goes from “oh look, a happy squishy baby and the world is right as rain” to “that dog looks just like Penny and I’m a horrible person for leaving my dogs“. I want to sit down and pound out my emotions lay some deep thoughts on this keyboard but 3 seconds after sitting down my brain is already on to another topic.
Deep breath.
Food
Meegan’s Lighten Up program is coming to a close this week. I’m pretty sure she’ll be doing a final blog post/thoughts on the entire process but because I ate pretty much everything she did for the last 6 weeks I’ve had my own “victories” and got down to the weight at which I feel most comfortable: 160. I weighed in last week at that number and am getting ready to transition back to maintenance mode as soon as this Marathon is over. I’ve been looking at my calorie intake over the last couple of weeks and I’m going to be the first to admit it was probably too low for the amount of running I’ve been doing. Not dangerously low but I can feel it catching up to me. Some days you just can’t eat 3000 calories (unless you want to take me through a drive-thru and we all know THAT’S NOT HAPPENING!) so getting a net intake of 1000 (meaning I ate close to 2500 calories but burned a shit ton running) was the secondary goal and that one I did pretty good with.
I lost a total of 11 pounds while doing the lighten up program with Meegan and will weigh in again on Monday for the final time. I will probably take a break from weighing in again so I can focus on eating well. Not much will change in the way of what we’re eating except incorporating what I liked about the food suggestions from L.U. (I really liked the smoothies/chia pudding).
Letter of Approval
As I’ve said before Nada, zilch, nothing, zip…Latest word from the office of my M.P. (member of Parliament) is that because the Buffalo office closed and everything was transferred back to Toronto, or Ottawa or wherever the C.I.C is not giving any time line on when letters can be expected. They actually said something along the lines of anywhere between July 2012 and July 2013! I’m trying not to panic but the idea of waiting another year is freaking me out a little. I’m about ready to cut out my cardboard box and sit on the corner with the words “will run for money”. I’m too afraid to work under the table for fear of being sent back to WA state and the shops in Halifax are filled with “help wanted” signs…so damn frustrating.
Fitbloggin
Cannot. Wait.
With all the frustrations happening here with money, paperwork and what not the trip will hopefully bring some much needed kinship and even much more needed time with Meegan. We have the road trip planned with a stop in Saint John for a night, Boston for two nights, Baltimore for three nights, then slowly making our way back to Halifax.
Marathon #2/#3
Right. Around. The. Corner!
Okay so now that’s all out of the way let me get to the actual reason for this blog. Part of the Lighten Up program introduced us to something called Rejuvalac (a fermented probiatic) and I thought since I don’t post many recipes on this blog I would pass along this little ditty that I’ve actually come to enjoy…
Okay Tara but what is Rejuvalac?
It’s basically making a probiotic by taking a grain (in this case we used quinoa since we don’t eat grain) and fermenting it for a few days in water. I wouldn’t recommend drinking this on it’s own (it’s a little sour) but when mixed in with smoothies it’s literally tasteless. I’ve listed some links below for you to read up on it a little more but seriously if you are eating tons of yogurt thinking you’re cleaning out your gut, this would be a better (and cheaper) way to go.
LiveStrong Article
Benefits of Rejuvalac
Rejuve…What?
What you’ll need: For this particular recipe we are suggesting quinoa but if you google the recipe you’ll see there are other options as well. You’ll also need some water and eventually a gallon jug for which to store your rejuvalac…
In a quart size jar (we found something at our local dollar store) take one cup of quinoa and enough water to submerge the quinoa. Cover with cheese cloth (if you don’t have a cheese cloth you can also use a coffee filter). Let sit over night and in the morning rinse and let sit again for another 24 hours.
 Close up shot. You will start to notice the quinoa will sprout (the tails will shoot).
 Awwww cute little tails! When that happens (day 2) rinse the quinoa and place into blender. Add 1 – 2 cups of water then pulse until blended. The mixture will turn milky and the bits will settle on the bottom.
Pour mixture into gallon jar and fill to top with water!
Cover top with cheese cloth (or coffee filter), place tea towel over the entire jar and let sit on counter for an additional 1-2 days.
You’ll know it’s done when the liquid tastes tart or “lemon-y”. 2 days is a good amount of time to let sit. Once done you can put it in the fridge to slow the fermentation process down. Instead of adding water to your smoothies, use the rejuvalac. Trust me you won’t the tartness of the liquid, just the goodness of the smoothie. You can use this multiple times a day (as we try to do) and since it’s packed with vitamin B-12 you’re gonna get that burst of energy throughout the day. Warning though as with any high amounts of vitamin B-12 source you don’t want to take too late in the afternoon so you can sleep well at night!
We’re gonna keep using this as part of our regular diet because we all know a clean gut is a happy gut!
See you guys after Fitbloggin!
(or maybe sooner)
 I should be cleaning the house.
I should be perfecting that roasted tomatillo salsa recipe.
I should be figuring out how to cook a spaghetti squash.
I should be in the shower washing the stink off from this morning’s workout.
There are a lot of things I “should” be doing but instead I’m sitting here at my laptop reading through “stuff” but not really reading it at all. Just feeling sort of blah. The rain is heavy in these parts. More than I’m used too and again I’m in that “will I ever get used to this weather…oh look it’s changed to something else I need to prepare for” feeling.
Race day weekend is fast approaching and I have to be careful not to push myself too much this week. Means running is cut down to 1-2 miles a few times this week and bootcamp may have to take a side seat until I cross the finish line; once on Friday (5k) and again on Saturday (Marathon). I’m not nearly as freaked out this time around as I was back in May for the Bluenose so the extra time on my hands is leaving me a bit irritated and with the downpour happening outside I feel a little trapped in the apartment.
The next couple of weeks are going to be right busy and I really should be taking full advantage of the “slow down” this week. Tartan Twosome starts this Friday. Red and I are taking off Monday night and starting our road trip to Baltimore for Fitbloggin by way of Saint John and Boston. We’ll be moderating the “When you have a lot to lose” discussion on Saturday and getting our fill of “OMG OMG OMG Look it’s (insert favorite blogger/twitter name/friend you’ve only known through social media and now they’re standing in right in front of you/ I can’t believe it’s been over a year since we last saw each other at Fitbloggin11) and then it’s only a few days after we return that I’m running my third (and final) marathon for 2012.
It’s sort of a bittersweet marathon that one is.
 The Valley Harvest will mark the one year anniversary of my first visit to Halifax. Life between Red and I was really just starting out even though we had been married since July. Living apart 4000 miles this trip was the first glimpse into what life was about to be like for this Pacific Northwest Native. I’d not yet met her family nor seen the inside of our apartment that she found and moved into just weeks before I came to visit. We registered for the Valley Harvest 10k and this was going to be our first official race together in Halifax with sights set on so many more…
The visit and the race were spectacular.
We were building our lives.
Separated in miles but together in love.
I flew back to the PNW ready to make the change. Plans were being arranged. Parties organized. Goodbyes prepared. I was going to have plenty of time before I would say goodbye to what was my home for forty some odd years and begin a new life here in Halifax. All was going as anticipated until that fateful call on an early November morning…
There wasn’t any time for anything except to shove what I could into a few bags, make a few calls and get a friend of mine to drive me to the airport. When I left Halifax in October I left behind the Red that I married in July. Strong, fierce and determined to kick some serious ass on her journey of life changes, weight loss and whatever else was in her crosshairs. What I found when I got off the plane was someone who was battered and bruised. Still my beautiful Red but different now.
It’s been a long recovery. Longer than I’m sure she ever even thought possible and wonders if it will ever truly be over. The fight in her is still there but it’s shrouded in pain, discomfort and frustration trying to return to her pre-accident self (physically and emotionally). Not being able to help out financially on my part adds to that long recovery process and as I literally sit around and wait for the Canadian Government to pass my file from one office to another until someone finally says “Okay Tara, now you can work” it’s starting to take it’s toll on me emotionally as well.
But with all things that bring pain, there is also the opportunity to heal and grow.
When we both stepped up to the starting line together last October we had no idea what the following year would bring. As we step up to the starting line in a few weeks we know exactly what it brought and we managed to survive pretty well. My third marathon marks a year of hard training (probably the hardest since losing the weight), a year of not only exploring the streets of my new home via running but exploring the “streets” of what’s inside of Tara and gender variance while spending hours alone hitting the pavement. For Red stepping up to the starting line of her first half marathon run/walk marks a year of fighting to return to what she once was while loving every ounce of who she is in the process. It marks a year of ups and downs with lots of “why me” and “will it ever get better”.
Most importantly it marks a year of being in love.
Not separated by 4000 miles but brought together by a split second change of plans.
It marks a year of figuring out how to bring two lives together under one roof. To run together. To take long walks on a warm afternoon together. It marks watching each other reach milestones, though while each of our milestones are very different just as powerful. It marks a year of being comforted in times of pain. Of being soothed in times of loneliness. It marks a year of recovery and a year of uncertainty. It marks a year of being with Red through good times and bad, through sickness and in health…
Just being together.
I have a little secret brewing that’s been coming together for a few weeks now. While I want to tell anyone that will lend me an ear I can’t quite bring myself to say anything (just yet). I don’t want my bubble to burst and truth be told it feels really big and I’m afraid if I say anything it will deflate my anticipation…
However here’s a little hint: It involved me having to send in a few before / after pictures.
It meant having to dig through some old pictures to send. Some *gulp* full body shots. Now anyone that’s lost a tremendous amount of weight will tell you that those pictures come few and far in between but they do exist. We don’t like to talk about them and we’re certainly not about to pull them out over dinner. Funny thing is that you’d think I’d be all over that shit when people ask what I used to look like before the weight loss. I’ll show someone a head shot with just a littlest bit of twinge but I have a hard time looking at full body pictures. I don’t recognize myself and yet I fully recognize myself. I sort of shake my head and wonder “why couldn’t I get it together back then”. I think about all the potential to make life changes wasted and all the time lost. I get scared that even looking at the pictures will bring the weight back and as absurd as that sounds I know it happens to many of us that go from living in a morbidly obese body to living in a healthier and leaner body.
 This is me.
I don’t remember when exactly this picture was taken but since I’m on a beach I’m going to assume it was taken in Florida and not yet at my heaviest. The only reason I can attest that this is me is a) the tattoos and b) the dimples. Everything about who I am in this picture just doesn’t seem right and it’s hard to wrap my head around that this used to be me. I’m not talking just about the weight either. I look like a girl in this picture and when you’re on a path of discovering gender variance it’s easy to feel even more removed from who you were.
I kind of feel like I’m looking at an old picture of a roommate.
I know that’s me but I don’t feel connected to that person at all. It’s like a form of amnesia. I look at old pictures and think “that person is so much bigger than me” or “that person’s hair is so girly”. How can that possibly be me and yet it was me for much longer than the me I am right now.
 When I decided to lose the weight and subsequently realized that I needed to explore my own gender variance is when I began to finally feel connected to the physical body that is me. Pulling out these pictures makes me realize how far I’ve come not only in changing the congruency of my physical self on the outside but also the congruency of my emotional self on the inside. I don’t expect a lot of people to understand the idea of not quite being one gender or the other. Most people don’t have a problem with marking F or M on a form when asked but I do. Even if it’s just a split second of hesitation as I resolve myself to checking female so I don’t have to explain in detail how I don’t identify with one gender or the other, that hesitation is pretty significant.
Sometimes I wish my life changing journey was just about losing weight. Lose a few pounds and move on with life. Buy some clothes from a department store that I couldn’t shop at before and tell my story to a few people willing to listen. It’s much more complex than that. Now that my body is leaner and more athletic I can’t deny that the small percentage of “girl” still exists. Even though 99% of my clothes are purchased in the men’s department I still have a few items that I love to wear that were found in the women’s department. I put on one of my favorite fall sweaters and immediately ask “is this too girly for me?” or take the plunge of running outside in just a sports bra and all I can think of is “everyone knows I’m a biological girl”.
I’m grateful to my old self for holding my new self deep inside where I was safe to wait. While I don’t feel connected to the self of old I feel a deep love that I just can’t quite put into the proper words. It’s like I was a protective shell waiting until the right moment for me to slowly but meticulously begin to crack. My timing may not have been perfect and through this cracking of the person I was, to begin the journey to become the person I am meant to be I had to make some choices that left people feeling lost and abandoned. It was heart breaking to decide my being lost was no longer an option and in order to find myself it meant letting go. It meant letting go not only of relationships with others but also with the unhealthy and unloving relationship with myself.
Not everyone’s weight loss journey is going to come with the complexities that have come with mine. Don’t, however, just assume that weight loss is just about weight. It’s about losing and finding. About letting go and loving. It’s about cracking shells and allowing what should have always been to finally be. It’s about looking back and focusing forward. It’s about having regrets and still going after what you deserve…
It’s about your before.
It’s about your after.
 There is a lot of comfort being a part of a gym.
Knowing exactly how much time you’ll be there, what equipment you’re going to conquer or where you’ll stand in a room full of fellow zumba(ers). I love going in the morning with Meegan to our “boot camp” class and seeing familiar faces as we get ready to leave some serious sweat on the floor. I love knowing for at least 45 minutes someone is going to tell me what to do, how to do it and for how long. It’s easy to follow directions when someone like me relies on them to function on a basic level.
Unfortunately you can’t really spend 4+ hours on a treadmill when your marathon training says you should be running 20 miles. Well, let me rephrase that; you could spend that long on a treadmill but unless they have something especially good on the television in front of you, you’re gonna get bored pretty easy, pretty quickly.
This past weekend was my last long run before the Maritime Races happen September 14th/15th. It’s no secret that this summer has seen me struggle getting those higher miles in as I learned to run in humidity and heat I’ve never experienced before. The weekend before I really needed (and by needed I mean not only physically but emotionally AND mentally) to hit the 17 mile mark because each time before I would peter out around the 14 mile and every week I was feeling less prepared and more anxious about the marathon. Having completed the 17 mile run and feeling strong about it I was (wait for it…..) actually looking forward to this past weekend and the elusive 20 miler!
It was a great run and I ran it as if I was running a marathon. I decided to do the entire thing doing a 9 min run / 1 min walk interval as I’m pretty sure this is going to be my plan of attack come marathon weekend (and the subsequent marathon three weeks after this one). I wanted to keep it at a faster pace than my first marathon because with the cross training I’ve been doing for the last few months my endurance is better but not wanting to push it so that I was barely functional by the time I hit the 16/17 mile mark.
The best thing about this run is I did it without music (which is almost unheard of) and I didn’t have to take any pictures (which means I was out of my head for most of the run). These are pretty significant. I kept a good pace and wanted to finish in 4 hours and managed to hit the 20 mile mark at 3:52…This one is going down as a spectacular run!
The next morning Meegan and I decided to go for a long hike instead of running a 5k with our local running club. Sometimes you just have to move your body in a slower much more deliberate way to really understand how strong your body is. It wasn’t a easy hike either. It was harder than we anticipated but we committed finishing the hike. It was breath taking and unless you’re willing to commit to the hike (all the way around) you won’t see the view that we saw over the course of 3+ hours.
   
When I weighed 270 pounds a hike like this would have scared the bejeezus out of me. I probably would have tried to come up with every excuse in the book not to get outside and move. I would have rather of spent 4 hours sitting at my laptop playing World of Warcraft looking at a computer generated environment than the one that was readily available to me if I chose to just go outside for a bit.
   
I kept thinking about how so many people will never see what I got to see during the hike because the idea of moving that long is intimidated and the hike itself was challenging. Every time I came to a large rock I had to step up in order to keep going I put my hands on my thighs and felt my muscles contract as they worked hard to move me forward.
   
Some of the “trail” you could only get to by crossing close to the ocean and on the rocks carried in by the water. I appreciated the balance and core strength I’ve gained by moving my body in ways I never imagined even just three years ago. It’s hard to believe that I three years ago I would have passed up an opportunity like this because I didn’t want to move my body in a forward motion towards making life changes.
When we took rest breaks from climbing up and tromping through the 13km (8 mile) hike I wasn’t exhausted and needed to sit to catch my breath. I need to sit and catch the view (and munch on some almonds!). I wasn’t irritated that my legs were rubbing together or that I was sweating profusely. I wasn’t upset that I had stepped in boggy mud and almost taken off my shoe.
I was outside.
I was moving.
I’ve spent countless hours inside my entire life. As a child I would sit in my room and watch the small black and white television eating bags of marshmallows or cans of pie filling from the moment I got home from school until my eyes were heavy with sleep and it was well past my bedtime. I had friends but you just don’t want to have to explain why your mom is never home and why you don’t ever get called home for dinner. What brought me comfort as a child brought me comfort as an adult. I can’t begin to tell you how many times I turned down opportunities to just be outside with people. Socially awkward and growing fatter by the year, the phone stopped ringing and I stopped wondering if I would ever make changes…
 The best part about this hike?
Being with someone who believes in moving outside the box as much as I do. This wasn’t an easy hike for Meegan but like a trooper she kept at it until we finished. It’s kind of a milestone for her to be able to get out there and move for long periods of time like we did this weekend. She may not be as strong as she was before the accident but she is stronger today than even last month. She kept saying “who am I?” when we traversed rocks or climb over trees in order to keep going…
Isn’t that the real question?
Who we were are people that didn’t care much about our bodies. We didn’t think much about the food we ate. We didn’t think much about the lack of movement as our bodies reached morbid obesity and we settled ourselves to “hiking” down a path of sadness, complacency and ultimately a world that didn’t include us being together. But who we are today is a product of moving, of thinking, of caring enough about ourselves to stand up and take control…
Who are you today?
 We are just a few weeks away from packing up Dusty and heading back to the states for the much anticipated Fitbloggin12. It’s hard to believe it’s been close to a year and a half since the last time we were all converging onto Baltimore for what I would like to call “The biggest Hugfest/HighFiveFest” the world of fitness/healthy living/weight loss community had ever seen.
This year will be no different.
Except that I’ll be going as a return participant (and a much nervous co-facilitator of the “when you have a lot to lose“) and Meegan will be coming with me as a first time participant (and the other much nervous co-facilitator). I remember as I was getting ready in April 2011 I had no idea what to expect and more often than not wondered if I should even be going…did I belong at a conference where the focus was blogging about fitness…
This year I’m reading with anticipation all the tweets, and Facebook status updates on those that will be coming for the first time and I see myself in so many of them. Wondering if they belong because after all “I haven’t lost a lot of weight”, ” I’m not even close to goal weight”, ” I don’t have that many blog followers”, “I can’t run a 5k”, ” I’m not as popular as (insert your favorite blogger here)”, ” I am still overweight, obese, morbidly obese”, “I’ve gained some of the weight I’ve lost”….
Do you belong at Fitbloggin?
HELL YES!
You’ve made the plans. Booked the flight, the hotel and found some roommates you are hoping will tolerate you for three days. You’ve looked at the schedule and pretty much ear marked everything you want to see and do (hopefully including our discussion on Saturday) but there’s so much more to Fitbloggin than just wanting to know how to build a better blog or a better YouTube channel.
This conference is about getting personal.
When I went last year I only had one thing on my “to-do” list and that was to thank the bloggers that had influenced me in one way or another while I was losing weight. I spent most of my time in awe of being in the same room conference with the very people I had gotten to know in 140 characters, through my own blog or through Facebook. If you were anywhere on my twitter feed and not attending fitbloggin11 then you’ll remember all of my videos that I posted as I was meeting people face to face for the first time.
The title of this blog post suggests a guide of some sorts. It’s not about what session to attend or what workout you should try to get in. It’s much more personal. It’s about what to expect when you first arrive and not sure what to do with yourself or how to approach someone that has influenced you in whatever way.
It’s the personal guide to Fitbloggin…
Fitbloggin will bring such an array of people in the fitness/healthy living/weight loss it can be a little overwhelming for the first timers. You’ll meet people that are there purely on a professional basis to either promote themselves, their blogs or a particular product. You’ll notice right away that a lot of people will be taking pictures of their food (it threw me off a little) or carrying around their laptops/ipads for those daily blog posts that they just couldn’t walk away from for a few days. You’ll meet people that are there purely for the fitness portion of the conference. Literally bouncing around from one work out to the other, changing into different outfits for the clothing line that is currently sponsoring them.
For the most part however, we’re all just coming together to meet face to face.
 The best piece of advice I can give you is this: Don’t be afraid. If you want to meet someone that you’ve been dying to meet face to face, go up to them and let them know. Remember we’ve been looking at each other through 100 x 100 profile icons so recognition may not be immediate (or in some cases at all) so make sure to give them your twitter handle as you strike up a conversation. I only know some people by their twitter name and will feel really bad if I don’t recognize you without some help.
Funny story: I had been wanting to meet YumYucky for the longest time and looked forward to crossing her name off of my “hey I just want to say Thanks” list but when we finally met she had to introduce herself to me because I didn’t recognize her without a pumpkin on her head…true story!
Don’t be afraid to spend some quality time alone with people when the opportunity arises. Two of the most significant moments at Fitbloggin11 was the impromptu movie date with Cynthia Crowsen after just meeting. We both were feeling overwhelmed and needed some decompression time. We knew nothing of each other but left the conference with some pretty fantastic memories after watching Bridesmaids together. The other moment? Dinner/coffee date with the ever beautiful Susan Ito. I was so star struck meeting Susan I had no idea she would even want to spend time with me. I arrived in awe of her and left with a friendship solidified (don’t get me wrong I’m still in awe of her!).
Don’t be surprised if you are one of those people that other bloggers want to meet. I was so focused on who I was wanting to meet, I had no idea that there were actually people that wanted to meet me. It took me by surprise when someone approached me and said “Tara, you are on my “Thank you” list”…It’s very humbling.
Most important thing to remember about Fitbloggin is that for most of us it’s a very emotional experience. For me personally, this is one of the very few times when I am in a room full of people and feel like “they get me”. We get you. No matter where you are on your life changing journey we get you.
Stop asking yourself whether you belong…
I have a hug with your name on it.
And just because I think it’s important here’s a few things to know about me if we do get the chance to meet. I have Aspergers. For me it manifests itself in a variety of ways:
- I sometimes make noises. If I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed or having anxiety about something you might hear a little grunt or moan come from me. It’s a way of staying focused. Almost like a finger snap but different. I won’t realize I’m doing it so if you hear me making noises don’t be alarmed (in fact feel free to join in on the grunting if you so wish).
- I move a lot. If I’m standing still having a conversation you might notice me sway back and forth or brush my bangs off to the side a lot. It will especially happen in one on one conversations. You may also find me rocking back and forth while sitting. I won’t notice it so if you do just go ahead and strike up a conversation with me and it should stop.
- You might see me wearing a panda hat or something else that seems a little “out of place”. It helps the anxiety when in social interactions.
- My attention span is pretty much nil. We might be in the middle of a conversation and all of a sudden I’ll start talking about a totally different subject. Be prepared to talk about Unicorns…
- I have a hard time looking people in the eye. If you are talking to me I might look off to the side. Trust me I am still paying attention. I have to use internal clues (mean I need to remind myself to participate) to keep a conversation going. You might ask me how I’m doing and I’ll tell you but then forget that I should then ask you how you are…please don’t think I’m not interested in what you’re saying. I need cues and I rely on other people for them.
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