Why do we spend so much of our lives thinking we can’t?

No matter what it is, whether it’s weight loss, a career or some idea that makes a lot of sense inside our head we waste years defeating ourselves with thoughts of “I can’t”, “I shouldn’t”, “I never will”…

We seriously need to stop that shit.

What we need is a good old round of “Oh hell fucking yes I can!” Listen, we deserve this (whatever “this” is for you). Most of my life I watched people around me go off and become what they wanted. In all my relationships, I spent far too much energy making sure that those that I loved felt empowered to do what they wanted; All the while, those crappy voices in my head kept saying I wasn’t good enough to do the same.

It wasn’t until I stopped focusing on what I thought other people needed and really began looking at myself and what I needed did I understand that I didn’t have to give up my dreams just because someone I loved had dreams of their own. It was scary to tell someone that I wanted to lose weight and that meant there was going to have to be a shift in the way I ate. It was scary to tell that someone I was going to be getting up at 4:30 every morning to be at the gym by 5 and that I was going to use money to pay for a trainer. It was scary to tell that someone I wanted to do things like run races and triathlons and become an athlete….and it was scary to tell that someone that being in the relationship after 10 years together was not where I wanted to be.

I have to constantly remind myself that I am deserving of the life I am so passionate about chasing.

I made that little picture up there as not only a reminder to anyone that happens upon my blog, facebook, twitter or instagram account but more importantly for me. As Meegan starts to heal and find herself in a stronger place emotionally I have to remember that I get to continue to chase my dreams as she too begins to feed the fire inside of her. We all deserve to be everything we were meant to be no matter how insignificant we feel or how impossible the dream is.

When I started losing weight, the idea of running for a mile non-stop seemed so far fetched it kept me from lacing up my shoes and trying. When I started losing weight the idea of lifting heavy things seemed so far fetched it kept me from getting off the elliptical and into the weight room. When I started losing weight the idea of losing over 100 pounds seemed so far fetched it kept me from believing in myself.

Today I am a marathoner because I deserve it.

Today I am a triathlete because I deserve it.

Today I continue maintaining my weight loss because I deserve it.

Stop thinking you can’t. Stop looking at the big picture of what it’s going to take to get you to where you want to be. Stop focusing in on every one around you and start focusing in on the most important person there is in your life: YOU. Stop thinking you don’t have the energy or the time. Make the time and you will find the energy. Stop thinking of this journey as something negative (“How did I let myself get so fat?” “Everyone else is better than me.”) and become your biggest cheerleader (“Who the hell cares how I got this way, what’s important is I won’t stay this way”, “I’m going to show myself and anyone watching that I can kick ass”).

I need you to stand up.

I need you to take control.

I need you to believe you deserve this.

The biggest part of this journey for me is that no one feels like they are alone. The more there are of us standing up, taking control and moving forward, the more people will allow that fire to spark inside of them. I didn’t just wake up one day and say “Oh screw this, I’m going to lose 100 pounds”. I started by reading a blog . The more I read about Tyler the more I started to believe that I deserved this. The more I read about other people’s story the more I began to believe that I deserved what they were going after. When something felt too big, I turned to people that had already been where I wanted to be and it gave me the strength to keep going. If they could, so could I.

I can never go back. I can never give up on myself because someone needs to believe in themselves and I’m here to tell them it’s possible. That’s what our stories do. They inspire. They help people to begin the process of going from “I can’t” to “I deserve this”. You think what you do is nothing important but believe me when I say someone, somewhere needs you to stand up, take control and believe you deserve this so they can do the same…

You inspire me to be better.

You inspire me to be stronger.

You inspire me to live.

Because I deserve it.

A few days ago I posted the following on Twitter/Facebook:

Me: Three Cups of H2O and made homemade almond butter before 7a.

The woman across from me: hacking her lungs out & smoking before 7a.

#iWin

Not long after that post I received a message from a long time friend: Maybe it’s just me but that status this morning about you drinking water and almond butter and the other woman sounded like a whole lotta smug to me. The work you’ve done in overcoming some serious addictions is awesome, but not everyone is you. And while I’m also a recovering addict, there are no winners and I always feel very lucky I was able to pull myself out of the deep hole of death because frankly, most addicts Never do. I doubt you meant that status as smug or hurtful, but it definitely came off that way to me. 

Now before I go on with the post let me just preface what I am about to write with this – I used to smoke. I used to be a drug addict. I used to be morbidly obese.

I’ve had a few days to sort of “sit” with what she said to me and I wanted to spend a little time in a safe space (my blog) to sort through some thoughts about her reaction to my early morning tweet and my reaction to her reaction.

I never intended this to come off as smug or a “better than thou”, but rather a reminder of who I used to be and who I am typing this blog post today. Not that long ago at 7a I would have been much like the woman that lives across from me. I would have put on some xxl sweat pants and an xxl large hoodie and turned on my computer to boot up World of Warcraft. While my laptop was warming up; I was outside on the porch warming up my lungs with a cigarette.

Go back another 20 or so years and at 7a I wasn’t booting up my computer to play a video game. I was wandering the streets waiting for the bus to take me home after being up for 3 days shoving Meth up my nose and watching my friends literally take the plunge and move on to needles. When they did that, I went outside and shoved a smoke in my mouth and prayed that would never be me.

It could have easily been me.

I am not better than my neighbor who waves when I come back from a long run and watches me stretch on the stairs as she lights up another smoke. I don’t know her well enough to tell her my story. I don’t know her well enough to say “I know I don’t look like it but I used to be right where you are”. The moment she opens the proverbial door even just a crack I’ll be there to let her in on my little 270 pound secret.

But let me be very clear: I do win.

If it comes off as smug then it’s okay with me.

Today and everyday I deserve to say “I win”.

I win because my mother, who died of brain cancer at the age of 52; 7 months after being diagnosed with lung cancer, can’t see me run across the finish line of a race or put her arms around me and tell me how proud she is of her only daughter. I win because my friends who pushed the needle into their arms hoping to find comfort from a life they thought never could get better, will never know that it does indeed get better if you just keep fighting. I win because the big brother I’m supposed to be able to rely on would rather lie to my face reeking of alcohol than admit he needs help.  I win because people I loved and cared for deeply chose food addictions over everything else in their lives, including themselves and died alone from diabetic complications.

I win because at some point in my life I looked in the mirror all I saw was a loser. So much self hate and loathing, physically punching myself in the head because I couldn’t stand the sight of my own face. Forcing myself to eat so that I could force myself to be sick because that was the only time I could find relief in the angst of living in my body.

I win because against the odds, I’ve yet to end up like my mother, my brother or my friends of a past long not forgotten.

Everyday I wake up and there are two paths to take. One that will take me forward. One that will take me backwards. I know both paths very well. I’ve been on them. I’ve seen my mother and brother on them. I’ve seen my friends on them. I know how fragile those paths are and I don’t take it lightly. Everyday is a constant battle both on my emotional stability and my physical strength. All I think about is how to keep myself on the “move forward” path because it wouldn’t take much to be on the other side.

Today I registered for something that I never could have imagined as a drug addict. Never in a million years as a morbidly obese woman on the verge of her own version of diabetes would I have even considered training for what it says I’m going to be doing June of 2013. I push everyday because my mother will never have the chance to change. I push everyday because my friends long gone will never have the chance to change. I push everyday because you can’t come back from the dead after a diabetic coma.

I push everyday because someone somewhere is going to come across this blog and for the first time in their lives that tiny spark of “maybe I deserve to change” will ignite and I want it to burn so fierce that nothing stops them. I want them believe that every time you make the choices and decisions to take you one step away from your old self and closer to your new self you win. I push everyday because one morning maybe the lady across from me will strike up a conversation about why I’m out doing what I’m doing instead of striking up a match. My friend was right in saying that we are lucky we pulled ourselves out of that deep hole of death called addiction because most addicts don’t but she was wrong about the “there are no winners” part…

Do you hear me?

She’s wrong.

I AM a winner.

She IS a winner.

YOU ARE A WINNER!

It’s never easy talking about emotional eating.

And yet so many of us deal with this on a daily basis. It’s like the big old elephant in the middle of the room. Binging, hiding food, purging, and even starvation are all a part of emotional eating. Choosing calorie laden foods that make us feel “better” temporarily but but leave us feeling worse physically and emotionally so soon.

You never see anyone grabbing a carrot in the midst of a breakdown.

For me emotional eating meant a lot of different things. Just the act of eating was is emotional for me. Eating for survival even when it wasn’t isn’t necessary. The survival instincst I acquired as a child were well instilled and are hard to dispel as an adult. Feeling so much hate for myself in the notion that I could and would never be “good enough”, the only way I could get rid of emotional angst was to eat until my stomach protruded beyond capacity and then hide in the nearest bathroom (even if it was a stall) shoving something down my throat until I bled from getting rid of the food, and then finding comfort in knowing that because my stomach was empty again, I could resume eating.

How we choose to deal with emotional eating is as individual as how we choose to lose weight or how we choose to take control of our lives. For me it was is a long and arduous battle (one that I truly believe is never over but rather the armor I choose to deal with the battle is better and stronger). How I look at food and deal with the emotions that surround it are not the same as yours but what we all have to do is find the tools necessary to get through what can feel so isolating and feel like no one understands…

Not too long ago I received an email from Caitlin Heikkila who is the community manager over at Everyday Health. I might be the last person on the earth to have even heard of this website and I’ll be the first to admit I am always suspicious of people who out of no where ask to write a guest blog post. However, after perusing EH for a bit and finding the information available to have nothing to do with quick solutions and gimmicks but rather honest truth telling advise I told Caitlin to send the blog post.

This is what she sent over:

How to Stop Emotional Eating

We’ve all done it—when we’re feeling sad, depressed, stressed, angry or bored, we dive into that pint of cookie dough ice cream or devour the entire bag of BBQ flavored potato chips. We turn to food for comfort; we start emotional eating and sabotaging our weight loss efforts.

It can be controlled! Next time you’re having a craving, try to direct your attention somewhere else. Here are some tips:

1. De-stress with yoga, meditation, or stretching. It calms your mind and keeps you from the kitchen.

2. Drink water or tea. You’ll stay hydrated and avoid mistaking thirst for hunger.

3. Go for a walk to burn calories and distract yourself.

4. Listen to your favorite music, a healthier way to cheer yourself up.

5. Stock up on healthy snacks like veggies and hummus, Greek yogurt and fruit, or some almonds. Grab one of these instead of something with empty calories.

6. Join a free weight loss community. They know exactly what you’re aiming for and can support you through the tough times.

7. Call a friend. Move your mouth with a quick chat instead of chewing!

8. Track your food in a journal and pay attention to when and why you want certain foods to avoid emotional eating in the future.

The most important thing is to try to get away from relying on food for comfort by keeping your stress levels in check. You have the power!

All solid advice and probably something many of us are already doing. The last line I think is the most important “You have the power”…We all have the power (even when we feel powerless) to make choices that will either help us move forward (whatever your forward is) or hinder us even if just for a few moments. At the same time I received the guest blog from Caitlin, Meegan  was posting this little article from the Huffington Post (Canada) about the 5 rules for eating for happiness written by Dr. Drew Ramsey and the effects of the Standard American (and Canadian) Diet has on the brain (i.e. the rise of depression and dementia). You can read the entire article but below are the 5 rules…

1. Skip the processed foods.

Processed foods are filled with empty calories, which is why so many people who count calories for weight loss end up with nutritional deficiencies that affect their energy levels, moods and thought processes. Brain-healthy nutrients are found in whole foods such as seafood (vitamin B-12, omega-3 fats), leafy greens and lentils (folates and magnesium), whole grains and nuts (certain forms of vitamin E that protect brain fat), and tomatoes and sweet potatoes (top sources of lycopene and other carotenoids, fat soluble antioxidants that decrease inflammation). Once you start eating a plant-based diet of nutrient-dense, whole foods, your moods will level out, your blood sugar will stop spiking and crashing, and your thinking will get clearer. You will see that food is much more than just fuel for your day.

2. Go organic.

Many insecticides and pesticides are neurotoxins, and although some claim the science isn’t settled about their health risks, remember that the same was said about cigarettes for decades before their dangers were officially recognized. Organic food usually costs a little more, so it’s smart to start by switching to organic apples, celery, peaches and other produce that normally rank highest in contaminants. For a full list, check out the Environmental Working Group’s “dirty dozen.”Availability also used to be a problem with organics, but no more. Supermarkets are steadily increasing their organic offerings, and the spread of farmers markets around the U.S. has added further reach for the movement.

3. Don’t fear fats.

Trans fats still found in many packaged baked goods are among the unhealthiest substances around, which is another good reason to stay away from processed foods. But the omega-3 fats DHA and EPA, which are found in whole foods like fish, butter, yogurt and full-fat milk, are great for your brain. One researcher calls them “nutritional armor.” Studies show that these two fats help protect your brain against mood disorders, while low levels of DHA have been associated with increased risk of suicide. And these fats don’t make you fat! In fact, foods with healthy fats help you feel satiated, so you end up eating less.

4. Mind your meat.

Meat is brain food. Along with other animal products like seafood, eggs and dairy, the right meat is a protein-rich source of omega-3 fats DHA and EPA and another fat, CLA, which is associated with fighting cancer and reducing levels of deadly abdominal fat. A plant-based diet is essential for brain health, but a diet completely free of animal products has its own problems. It forces one to take nutritional supplements, which are expensive and aren’t always absorbed sufficiently in the body. Deficiencies of vitamin B12 are particularly common among those who adhere to a vegan diet, which puts some at risk of irreversible brain and nerve damage. Not all meat is created equal, though. “Grass-fed” or “pasture-raised” beef and chicken have more beneficial nutrients in them and are free antibiotics and harmful hormones fed to factory farmed animals. Eggs that are “farm fresh” have higher nutritional value because they were laid by hens with a healthier natural diet.

5. Make friends with farmers.

Shopping at your local farmers market can give you added motivation to stay away from a pre-packaged processed-food diet. Getting to know the people who grow your food also offers you the opportunity to gain a better understanding of what you’re eating. Even in Manhattan, where I live, I’ve learned from my egg farmer how he improves the nutritional quality of his eggs by feeding the hens organic greens, which he calls “chicken candy.” I’ve also gotten a tutorial in mood-enhancing nutrients found in purple beans and miniature Italian eggplants. (see photo). The goal is not to become a food snob, but to make that vital connection between your fork and your feelings and choose foods that support your emotional well-being and enhance your sense of vitality. You can find local farmers easily at localharvest.org.

The more knowledge (armor) you have the better prepared you are for whatever battle you’re facing!

In other news:

Meegan has been given the opportunity to take part in Lighten-Up. It’s a 6 week online “weight loss retreat” program. I’m excited for her as the weight gain from the accident has really thrown a loop in her ability to feel like the rock star she deserves to be. I can’t go into too much detail (only because I’m not privy to all the information and activities set forth for the next coming weeks) but I’m here to support her in every way I can. There is a meal plan that is included and so for the next 6 weeks or so we’ll be changing things up a bit in the kitchen. We’re not throwing Paleo out the window but the Lighten Up program introduces some gluten free grains and some dairies back into the food chain and it’s easier for me to just follow her plan when cooking in the kitchen.

That’s the beauty of this journey.

It’s ours to walk and ours to carve.

It’s ours to find greatness in whatever means possible.

Speaking of greatness:

I’ve been back to counting calories now for just about a month now and it’s been going pretty good.

(and a little bit of the mental frustration I remember)

When I decided to go back to counting calories I did so understanding that this was a tool that worked for me throughout my weight loss and what worked before should very well work again. Calculating how many calories I would need to eat to maintain the current weight of 170 from varies different websites gave me a range of numbers (as can be expected)…

• Nutrition BizCal = 2351 calories
• Free Online Calculator = 2341 calories
• Calorie Control = 2239 calories
• About.Com = 2240 calories
• Calorie King = 1950 calories
• Calorie Needs Calculator = 2338 calories

I took the average of all the estimates (2200 ish) and because I’m not one to want to lose all the weight “right away” but lose it the right way I subtracted 500 calories per day and came up with 1700 calories / day if there were no exercising. Sounds pretty reasonable…

But I do exercise.

Often.

That’s where the sticky part of this journey comes in. There are a lot of arguments to the ever popular “eat your work out calories” theory.  The whole idea of “net calories” can seem confusing (eat 1/3 back, eat half back, eat 3/4 back, eat all of them back except on the full moon of the 3rd passing of the phoenix on a rising saturn return…). I don’t necessarily eat them all back all the time especially if I’ve run a particularly large amount of miles and just can’t eat  3200+ calories in day.

But it’s tempting to try.

And that may be part of the problem for me right now.

I’m not eating off the deep end but there has been a shift in my thinking as of late. Logging my food into my fitness pal and seeing the “remaining” number of calories has been giving me that feeling of “oh my god Tara you have to keep eating” and since I can’t eat a gazillion pounds of broccoli or snap peas or whatever other colorful veggie is currently stocking my fridge I’ve been using the excuse to eat a little more out of my “comfort zone” with the added excuse of “Well I AM logging it and I AM still under my goal“.

It happens to a lot of people when counting calories.

This feeling of freedom. This feeling of “well I do have (insert caloric number here) left over so what the fuck give me the bag of Doritos and while you’re at it throw some chunky monkey ice cream on top of it!” The same goes for those days that I don’t work out and that feeling of “oh great I only have (insert caloric number here) because I didn’t work out so here let me munch on this piece of celery and my 1/2 of spoonful of almond butter“

It’s a precarious balance.

And so far that balance has seen a some success. I weighed in last week at 166. Down 4 pounds since returning to logging / counting calories. It’s been interesting how my mind reacts to the calories left over and that little voice that says “You know 1/3 of that dark chocolate bar in the freezer would bump you up to the necessary calories”  even though I was way done eating for the day as well as the “Oh way to go on the going over your calories by 700! I hope that beer or ice cream or whatever you stuffed in your face was well worth it, you just ruined everything!” voice…

In other news:

Meegan are unplugging for the next couple of days as we head up to Stonehame cottages this week. And by unplugging I mean we are U.N.P.L.U.G.G.I.N.G!! No laptops. No counting calories. No heart rate monitors. No phones (except to take pictures and make sure we don’t get lost while walking the trails). No Twitter. No Facebook. Maybe the occasional Instagram. Cribbage board in hand and a good pair of sneakers we’re going to be spending 3 days remembering why we continue to do what we do and make the choices we make. We’ve got some delicious steaks with our names all over them and hoping for a terrific rain storm so that we can put the wood stove to good use. But not too much rain of course because we have some swimming at Melmerby beach on our “to do” list!

Life can’t always be about logging miles run, calories burned or what kind of food I should and shouldn’t eat today. Some days it has to be about skunking the one you love (that cribbage speak), while holding hands in front of the fire and eating your favorite candies from your favorite candy store!

(I have Mike & Ike’s, Swedish fish and JuJuBees)

Sometimes you’re afraid to talk out loud about something.

I mean I’ve talked with Meegan about it and made mention to it a few times on the social networking universe but even just putting it on the blog is making my stomach turn and my head all woozy…

To know me is to know that I have a need to push myself physically. Having spent the majority of my life never active and allowing my body to grow into morbid obesity and essentially killing myself slowly with food and depression, I now am constantly pushing the boundaries on what I think I can do and checking things off  that “holy shit can you believe I just ran  (mile, 5k, 10k, 1/2 marathon, 187 mile relay race as a 6 runner ultra team, marathon)” list. When I was still in Tacoma, triathlons had become my new love. Never (and I seriously mean never) did I dream that out of the ashes of shedding the 110+ pounds I would want to push this body (that I had no idea I could push) into a new fire…

Swim.

Bike.

Run.

Now that I’ve been in Halifax for a while, I’ve begun to make some really awesome friends. Friends who also push themselves into things I’m still trying to wrap my brain around. Take my friend Leanne for instance. I met her shortly after joining the Heart and Sole running club in my area.

Besides being an awesome runner and cute as a button she’s also a triathlete…

an Iron(wo)man triathlete.

2.4 mile swim.

112 mile bike ride.

26.2 mile run.

140.6 (freaking!) miles

Not too long ago we were both at a poster making party for the upcoming EpicDartmouth and we got to talking about triathlons and it was there I found out she was an iron(wo)man. I was floored. Also sitting with us was my friend Erin who had just completed her first half iron(wo)man and I was (and am) in awe of both of them.

I got to listen to them talk about their experiences all the while feeling like a little kid sitting at the adults table during Thanksgiving. I chimed in that I had done a sprint and olympic and now that my bike was with me I was hoping to check out the triathlon circuit out here…

I felt kind of silly.

I am nothing special. I look at so many other “athletes” and think “man I just want to be like them”. I forget to acknowledge that what I’ve been able to accomplish in such a short time makes me “one of them”. When you’ve been obese for so long, you’re used to hiding in the shadows and not bringing attention to yourself. You’re used to failing and getting to the point of not trying. You’re used to saying “yes but look at (insert name here)” when someone tries to give you the much deserved accolades for what you have accomplished.

I felt like when I mentioned that I had some triathlons under my belt, they were going to look at me and scoff. I thought they were going to chuckle at my little attempt to “play with the big boys”. They didn’t. They talked about bikes and swimming and whatever else you talk about when it comes to triathlons and I continued to look at them both all starry eyed.

A few days after there was a “Thank you for volunteering” party and just on a whim (because we don’t usually go to things like this) Meegan and I both went. So did Leanne. At some point I get her attention and wave and she motioned me to come over…

“So I’ve been thinking about our conversation”

(What conversation?)

“About triathlons”

(uh-huh)

“I want to train you for your first half Ironman”

SHUT THE FUCKING FRONT DOOR!

Just writing this brings tears to my eyes. This previously morbidly obese, depressed and going nowhere (literally and figuratively) body that has proven over and over again that not only can I but I must in order to motivate and encourage other people to do the same had just been invited to the Big Boys league…and of course by big boys league I mean “are you shitting me you really think I could do this” league.

The only thing I could do at the moment that she said I want to train you was drop my jaw and squeeze her really hard. Funny too because now that we’ve (and by we I mean me) gotten over the shock of “can I really?” she told me she was honored that I had said yes so enthusiastically. We’ve had a few subsequent conversations to talk about what it’s like to do IronMans and what the training will look like for next year. She’s getting ready to compete in her 2nd full IronMan in just a few weeks and as we talked about it she looked me dead in the eye and with full confident said “you could do full IronMan Tara”…

For now I’m staying focused on the Marathons and shooting for Marathon Maniac status (if I can get everything figured out) this year and then we will sit down and begin training for something that scares the absolute crap out of me…

70.3

Push those boundaries. Get off that elliptical you’ve been on for months on end while secretly looking at the boxing class happening at the same time. Stop thinking you’ll never be able to complete a 5k race and register. Get out of that comfort zone and prove to yourself that you can instead of thinking you can’t. Someone needs to see you go big so that they too can allow that glimmer of hope that maybe in fact that if you can…

So can they.

I do what I do for my health. I do what I do because I want my body to thank me for making it strong. I do what I do because I spent so long not doing. But I also do what I do because the more I push those boundaries, the more I show the world that you don’t have to settle for obesity, the farther I go, the farther you might go too. Every time someone clicks on my blog and looks over the progress pictures or reads about me taking on a new physical challenge, it’s another opportunity for that someone to imagine (even if for a few seconds) that they too can do what I’ve done (and continue to do). I didn’t wake up one day and lose 110+ pounds. I read blogs of people that continued to push themselves out of their comfort zone, that continued to prove to themselves over and over again that they could, that they will and that they succeeded. I read about people losing a lot of weight and I thought “hmmmm”. I read about people running and thought “hmmmm”. I read about people lifting weights and thought “hmmmmmm”. I read about people doing triathlons and thought “hmmmm”. Then I set out to be one of those people that blogged about doing all of those things and kicking ass while doing it.

What are you setting out to do.

GO BIG.

(never settle for going home)