http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cJPM25iVkHE
The Opinion expressed in this review is mine. I was not compensated in anyway and I was certainly not asked to show you my bum and jump around…that was my idea.
|
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DIMD5tn5ykc&feature=g-upl&context=G255cb53AUAAAAAAAAAA I wrote out what I said in the video for my Deaf friends because this isn’t one of those posts where you can really do it twice” “Suppose I should say something…camera’s running. It’s one of those days. Yhea. One of those days where it’s hard to get out of bed. Hard to want to do anything. You think you want to talk about a million things then nothing seems important enough. You just want to kind of lay in bed and cry your eyes out and hope you feel better afterwards but you kind of know you’re not going to ya know? It’s damn near 12 o’clock and I’m still laying in bed because I’m kind of emo today. There’s so many things I want to write about ya know, so many things I feel like I should be doing as far as blogging like reviews and talking about products and running and my race that I had on Sunday then I just start wondering what’s the point ya know. I’m just so emotional today. I don’t know if it’s because my body is trying to detox from sugars, I don’t know what. You know this is supposed to be day five of Paleo and all I’m thinking about is shoving bread in my face or…Just one of those days. I know we all have them and today is just a day and maybe tomorrow I’ll feel the same way but I’ll feel better in a couple of days but right now, just laying in bed…that’s my update. That’s it. See ya.”
An eating plan and an exercise plan. When I am only doing one (i.e. an exercise plan) and not the other (i.e. an eating plan) both sort of fall to the wayside. The moving part (the exercise) of the plan right now is working up to running my first marathon in May and over all I think I’m doing pretty well. However I’ve discovered there is much more tweaking I need to be doing. Don’t get me wrong I am running my little tush (and I say little because well it is 110 pounds lighter than when I started this whole life changing journey) but there is more I should be doing. The miles are coming along nicely and with my first race of the year just a few days away I am feeling pretty good about strapping on my faithful sauconys this coming Sunday and running 25k (15.5 miles). But… I am missing something. The other day Meegan and I took a tour of Canada Games Centre (I remembered to spell it the “Canadian Way” Eh!) and it was when the very nice lady was showing us the pool that I realized what I was missing…I miss being a gym rat. I miss the sound of opening a locker at the beginning of a workout and setting up my plan of action in that tiny box of metal. I would always work out (boxing usually) and then head to the pool for some intense swim. I would change before heading to the pool and take a moment to look at my baseball cap or my shirt and take notice of the sweat (and salt) that soaked my clothes. I miss spending an hour or so in the pool and the repetitiveness of going back and forth and feeling my muscles work. I miss the routine of what it took to get from point A (the gym) early in the morning to point B (work) on time. I also miss the routine of eating… (routine is extremely important in my sanity) When I was losing weight I counted calories until it became obsessive. Then I stopped and my eating sort of went willy nilly. Ever since then I’ve been trying to find balance between my relationship with food and my level of exercise. When my focus shifted from weight loss to maintenance and then to endurance training I found my most success when I left the gym, joined Jowers Training and started following The Zone as I was still on the fence about Paleo. During those months I felt my strongest, looked my leanest and while I wasn’t running as much I was pretty fucking fast when I did hit the streets. Okay Tara, so what’s the point to this blog post? The point is I’m going to be changing things up a bit around here. I need a food plan. I need an exercise plan. I also need to figure out how to do both of these things while not working (i.e. working out at home). Of course I have to continue to run so the working out isn’t going to be hard to change up. I need to add some core work in and I need to stop thinking that I need a gym/trainer to do that. I’m smart enough to know that doing sit ups or planks at home is just as effective as if I were doing them in a boxing / cross fit class. So with the running I will also be trying to stick to a home work out plan as well… I’m also pulling in the reins on my food. It’s been out of whack. I can feel it in my clothes that the choices I’ve been making haven’t been the best all around. Too many times I’ve not been eating the way an athlete should eat. Granted you will never see me compete in any competition but I am an endurance athlete. My body tells me so. My heart tells me so. My relationship with food has always been one that is tied to emotions…except when I have a definitive plan that allows me to be in control. Meegan and are both athletes. Of that there is no doubt. We need our brains and the relationship with our food to coincide with what we’re asking our bodies to do. We want to push them beyond the limits of what we think we can do to find out what they were meant to do. We’ve both decided to take the 30 day paleo challenge. She’s been more paleo than me and when I moved here to Halifax it became a basis of what we were eating. But other choices have been getting in the way. I felt it in my run just this morning when we attended a baby shower last night full of sugary sweets and I had more than my share of cakepops, brownies and cupcakes. I felt hung over. Lethargic. Unfocused. We decided last night that changes needed to be made. For me food was starting to control me instead of the other way around. I can’t speak for Meegan but I would guess that she’s been feeling the same way. I’m not eating as an athlete and I’m certainly not fueling my body the way it was meant to be fueled. Thirty days. Paleo. It won’t be much of a shift as I try to keep the food I’m cooking as paleo as possible. Thirty days mean no eating out. Means no sugary snacks. Means dairy is out. Means when Meegan bakes cookies for her dad I am not the taste tester, bowl licker or spatula cleaner. No “it’s okay because it’s just today and tomorrow I am running (insert # of miles here) because “just today” has turned into “too many days” and it is starting to affect me physically and emotionally. It’s more than just food though. It’s a shift in thinking. Getting back to thinking like an athlete because I am an athlete. The gym rat status will be back as soon as I have my car (which has both my swimming suit and my gym bag packed inside) and of course a job in which to pay for said gym rat status but until then I’ll just plank / lunge / squat / push up / sit up in the kitchen while cooking up some delicious paleo meals… #30DayPaleo starts today! (p.s. send recipes)
I moved a total of 37 miles (7 more than last week) and I am finally at the half way mark for both time and mileage. I should have hit the half way point last week but the snow cut my 14 miles into 12 long hellish miles. The long run this week was fantastic even though I lost my route map less than a mile out the door. Luckily I remembered 90% of it having run it the previous week. I kept a great pace for the long run (10:30 min/mile) and felt strong through the entire 14 miles. A long ice bath afterwards and hardly any muscle soreness followed. I’m not sure how to explain it but I feel like this week is the cross over point for me. If anybody has ever used the couch to 5k program to start running I would call this week the pivotal “Week 5 day 3”. You know which day I’m talking about… The first time you run for 20 minutes non stop. It’s that point in the training where for so long you feel like you’re going up hill then all of a sudden you crest the top and just for a moment stand still and realize that this dream of running a marathon (or 5k, 10k, 1/2 marathon, ultra marathon) is going to be a reality barring any injury or anything else that hopefully won’t get in the way. Ye,s of course my miles are going to get longer over the next couple of weeks but I’m doing something now on a regular basis that this time last year still seemed impossible: running double digits on a regular basis. Hard to believe that while I read about everyone signing up for their first half marathon and thinking about my own half marathon training back in November of 2010, that my current training takes me beyond that 13.1 every weekend from here on out until May 20th and even beyond that as I continue to train for the Maritime Marathon in September.
Speaking of weather, it’s amazing what a little sunshine and warmer weather can do for your mental health. This winter has been hard for me. Living in the constant cold (and still not used to having that layer of fat that kept me warm for so long) was down right depressing (and painful). There is still some snow in the weather forecast but this is the first week that it looks to stay in the 40’s almost everyday and just the thought of warmer weather raises my spirits. With the change in time this week I plan on taking full advantage of the longer days by running during the days and taking long walks in the evening with Red… Here’s to moving more And to living.
I don’t talk much about my relationship with Meegan. Social media is very important to us. It’s how we met back in 2010. It’s how our friendship blossomed over the following year. It’s how we kept in touch when we were planning the first time we were going to meet in person in April of 2011… It’s how we fell in love. It’s how we nurtured our relationship. I’m much more open about my life on social media (blogging, facebook, twitter). I’m more of the “fuck it” writer. What I feel is what I write. The good. The bad. The very very ugly at times. I rarely edit what I’ve written. I don’t care too much about what others think (opinion wise) because I know that every time I write something, someone else has either a) experienced it b) going through it at the same time c) can relate somehow. I’ve written openly about everything from eating disorders to mental illness to debilitating depression. Sometimes I put myself out there so much so that I panic. I feel like I can’t keep up with the world around me. While my brain is electronically wired, much like the kids that are given their handheld game boys / playstations and ignored (my mother was infamous for ignoring me), I can feel inside of me when it’s too much. When I would rather look at facebook, twitter and my iPhone instead of being outside getting fresh air or reading the pages of a book I know it’s time to take a break. Which is exactly what I’ve been doing for a bit. Taking a break. Meegan on the other hand is really trying her best to get “honest” on her blog. Put herself out there more. She’s much more reserved when it comes to what she writes about. More concerned about “how it reads” rather than “what I’m feeling”. From the beginning of our friendship I’ve admired her to the point of obsession. Her story, much like mine, is one for the masses. Overcoming debilitating depression, losing 120 pounds, regaining her life and just recently having another life trauma land smack dab in the middle of everything like a big fucking elephant sitting on her chest and trying to figure out how to not only get from under the damn thing but how to move forward once again. She wrote a blog post the other day: “Hi My Name is Meegan & Like to Fix Things” That night as we laid in bed she said to me that the blog post made her angsty because it was so personal. I wanted to ask her what she meant by personal but I didn’t have too. I get it. Or at least I get it enough to understand that when we put what we conceive as the “bad parts” of ourselves out in the world, it can be scary. Wondering if we’re going to get judged or thought less of. Wondering if the people that we work with will read it. Wondering if it makes any sense? Wondering if it makes us look weak. Vulnerable… I read her blog post. Then I read it again. and again. You know when you read something and it sounds like it was written for you or about you? She needed to tell herself that “she’s not broken” but what she doesn’t realize is that she was also telling me that I wasn’t broken. That my feelings are just as important to her and that every emotion no matter how hard, confusing or frustrating it is to feel is validated. She has made a statement that the entire world should be hearing, saying and proclaiming: We Are Not Broken. WE ARE NOT BROKENWe can feel like we are. The moments we feel like we can’t take another step forward. The days we can’t seem to do anything right. The weeks we can’t look in the mirror and love who we are. The months we fight inner battles to make good decisions. The years we live in this constant fear of “I am broken and can’t be fixed”. Take a few moments today of quiet time. I don’t care where you are. Laying in bed. Sitting at your desk. In your car thinking about going into that fast food drive-thru. Close your eyes, lay your hands on your head and say “I am not broken”. Christ wrap your arms around yourself and squeeze the living poop out of yourself and say “I am not broken”. Cry your eyes out and say “I am not broken”. Say what is really going on “I’m having a hard time (insert whatever the fuck is going on here) but I am not broken”. “I want to eat crappy food but I am not broken”. “I’m scared to lose weight but I am not broken”. “I’m sad because I miss someone but I am not broken” That’s the truth right there. We are not broken. Yes we are emotional. Yes we are frustrated. Yes we are having a difficult time keeping our feet moving forward and our spirits in fighting condition. Yes there are days when we feel like we just.cant.do.it.anymore but you know what that’s not being broken. That’s living life. That’s giving every emotion an opportunity to come and go. To feel. To accept and then when the time is right to dust off our knees from what feels like falling and stand tall, head high and fight another day to love who we are. Make that your mantra for a while… “I am not broken” make that your mantra for life. Your life. (is not broken)
Not in the sense that I was physically not feeling well. But rather in the sense that I am emotionally feeling more together. Taking the break from being attached to social media has helped immensely. I put my phone away and only opened the laptop when I wanted to blog or figure out a route to run for this week’s marathon training. I cried pretty much non stop for a few days and slowly (but surely) the emotional upheaval in my body calmed itself down. One of the most important things I did this week was slowed way the fuck down. I moved slower. I let my thought process be slower. I gave myself permission to think about everything I was doing. I gave myself permission to do the things that gave me comfort even if it meant some thing went undone. The running this week has also been a tremendous help on my ability to visualize myself cross over the finish line of the marathon in May and be less angsty as my training miles get higher and higher. I moved a total of 30 miles this week with 25 of those being running miles. I had some great running days. I saw my first 9 min/mile in a long time and was able to conquer a 500 meter hill four times without stopping. I’m spending more time thinking about my form and foot strike and how my body feels much more stronger today than it did just a few short 7 weeks ago. If you saw my last post ( When 14 miles turns into WTF) then you know this week’s run was the toughest so far. The 14 min/mile due to inclement weather and running conditions opened my eyes more than I could imagine. It was by far the worst conditions I have run in and while it wasn’t the full 14 miles I was shooting for it was just what I needed to get my head in the right place to know that I can do this… My first official “race” of 2012 is happening in 2 weeks. The Moose Run is a free 25k (15.5 miles) run happening over in Cow’s Bay. I got real lucky on this one as it coincides with my long run (16 miles) for that week. I’m also super excited because while I am doing the race as a single runner, Meegan is running this race as a relay team. Super proud of her. All in all this week is by far much better than last week. Still feeling emotionally sensitive and tired from last week’s bout of bouncing off the walls (literally and figuratively speaking). I’m looking forward to repeating Friday’s long run as I didn’t get to see much except all the snow that was around me. Mother nature tells me there is more snow coming early this week but by the end of the week I may actually see some warmer temperatures (50’s)… Yes please and Thank you!
I had everything planned out. The route was ready to go. I visualized in my mind about just being outside for a few hours and not worrying about anything except getting some miles in today. Unfortunately Mother Nature had a whole other plan. It snowed. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_bsgoIa4RSc (I’m not sure what I was thinking) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sxD8J0FFgMQ Right, so now I’m committed to running the 14 miles. Once you get over the bridge you pretty much just have to say fuck it and do the best you can. I don’t know Dartmouth very well but had a pretty good map in my pocket and I wanted get over onto this side of the bridge because the Bluenose Marathon is run partially over here… It sort of went down hill once I got over the bridge and into unfamiliar territory. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O6vjnuQbPfc 13 minute mile! I’m not complaining. I know this is all weather related. But still it’s a little more than frustrating and I still had 9 miles to go. Already feeling tired at this point. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0MHLvmaMCQU This is where things start to get “hairy”. The sidewalk is gone for a good portion of this run. Running in the road (towards traffic of course to give drivers plenty of time to see me) is safer (meaning feet stay dryer and less likely to slip) but it pretty much sucks and doesn’t look to get any better. — Side note — Then I just kept running to the best of my ability. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W_dOmnxAc6Y By Mile 10 I was done. Luckily I had mapmyrun going and could see exactly where I was and what short cut I needed to take to get back to the road I came in. I knew from where I was I had to still get back over the bridge and eventually back home so it was still another 2 – 3ish miles. Not bad considering the weather. When I was running on the road my speed was pretty good. There just wasn’t enough clear road. I pushed myself as hard as I could coming back over the bridge knowing this was going to be the last good “patch” but once I came over to Halifax it took everything I had to run that last mile back to the house. I’m chalking this up as a pretty good run and I think unless there is going to be a blizzard in the middle of May I’m going to do alright at the Marathon…
I’m not afraid to talk about mental illness. I’m not afraid to live my life literally as an open book for other people to examine, digest and take from it what they can. I’m not afraid to tell people, I often feel weak emotionally and can cry at the drop of a pin over the most mundane of events because when something happens it might seem small to anyone on the “outside” but spend just 30 seconds in my brain and you’ll realize that the small insubstantial occurrence is something B-I-G in my body. During the year I was losing close to 120 pounds I was not only losing the physical weight I was also losing the emotional weight and coming to terms with what exactly my mental illnesses meant in order to be successful in both the weightloss and the maintenance of keeping it off. I believe now that maybe I’m not on a weight loss maintenance journey but rather a life maintenance journey. I believe that if I can continue to be open about emotional journey then my body and mind will continue to be healthy and in turn will continue to push forward on a physical level. I can run all the miles I want and lift all the heavy weight I want but if I don’t continue to focus on my emotional well being then the physical portion of this journey will fail to prosper. I’ve been spending a lot of time thinking about how my mental illness(es) come into play with this (life) maintenance. How when I was doing emotional exercises along side the physical exercises I was moving forward in a more determined fashion. As both my body and my mind (emotionally and spiritually) got stronger they (pun intended) fed off each other. I found the more I could push my body physically the more I wanted to try and push my mind emotionally and face the demons that sink their teeth deep into my soul. In turn the more I could push my mind emotionally and come out seeing more clearly…feeling more determined…feeling more whole, the more I wanted to try and push my body physically. I suffer from chronic genetic depression (diagnosed). I suffer from border line personality disorder (diagnosed). I have Aspergers. The Aspergers is medically undiagnosed only because a) they didn’t medically label it until the 90’s and that was long after my childhood and my childhood diagnosis came in the form of report cards that said ” extremely socially awkward”, “pays attention to details” and “prefers to play alone” b) I don’t need a doctor to tell me as an adult what I already know to be true. For years I was on heavy dosages of medication to help with the depression and when I decided I didn’t want take medication for the rest of my life because I understood that the depression is as much a part of my being as the color of my eyes or the pigment of my skin I began a long journey of Cognitive Behavior Therapy. The point of all this being is that yesterday’s post was about being aware. In another life I would have allowed the darkness to fester and become an oozing infection that would seep so far down into the core of my being, coming back to “reality” might take months (or years). I would have done what I see other people in my family do and stuffed it into the proverbial paper bag and shove that thing so far into the mental closet and wish for it to go away. Then as expected when another “episode” came along I would shove more crap into that paper bag until it overflowed and stank of past emotions and not having the first clue how to clean it up just sat in my own mental (illness) garbage. But I’m not living that life anymore. Yes, I am in a dark place. But not as dark as yesterday. I am aware. I am equipped with the tools to build a bridge that takes me from what seems like despair and angst to a place of comfort and understanding. There are certain parts to my life that are extremely important to the well being of my emotions (having a schedule, doing the same thing over and over again, eating the same types of food everyday, needing quiet space). Honestly, many of the things that I need to keep my emotional well being in check have been absent (only because I am afraid to ask for what I need). When my emotional exercises are put to the side (at the fault of my own) the physical exercises become weak as well. Yes I am running longer than I have in a long time but I feel the struggles happening. For me they go hand in hand and when one is lacking (the emotional) then so does the other (the physical). Today’s run was amazing. Why was it amazing? Because yesterday I recognized that there are key components to my emotional strength missing. I long for a routine. I long for repetitiveness. I long for social interaction in the form of work. I long for the quiet spaces and knowing when change is coming. I long for what makes me feel safe and I was too afraid to try and explain it because I thought for sure no one would understand the way I think (in pictures and colors rather than words)… Life isn’t full of unicorns crapping rainbows all over me but pushing myself emotionally yesterday and in turn being able to push myself physically today has helped release some pressure off my being. I’m still taking some time away from social media to continue to focus inward and build that bridge to get from where I was yesterday to where I want to be today. The foundation for that bridge I began to lay with yesterday’s post? It’s pretty rock solid. My life is an open book and for some that would be terrifying. For me it’s life learning. I am an experiment in over coming mental illness, losing weight and ultimately maintaining life. I lay everything out there for people to see because while maybe you don’t need to know that in all things impossibly stacked against you, there is success; someone does. And sometimes that some one is me.
I don’t have much to say except it’s difficult getting out of bed and making sense of what I’m trying to do in my day to day living. Thoughts are sporadic and I am in the middle of a full blown emotional Behaviors I believed under control are hiding behind the shadows waiting for me to give in and give in is just what I feel like I’ve been doing. Binging and purging. Crying non stop. Unable to look into the eyes of the person trying to understand what is happening inside my body, my brain. Stuck to where my feet are standing and unable to move. I think I need to take a break from all that is outside and focus on what is inside. Shut the door on the life trying to move forward beyond my reach and sit with the person that is shoving herself so far into the corner she feels invisible. I want to hear that this will get better or that this wave of emotions will pass but instead I need to just sit where I am and acknowledge that like that picture I am in that place. That place of pain. That place of uncertainty. That place of fear. That place of confusion. I try to explain what it feels like and all I can see are waves crashing over me as I flail my arms aimlessly trying to stay above the water hoping to catch my breath. I try to explain what it feels like to be in my skin and all I can picture is a small room flooded with light that hurts my eyes and is hot on my skin. No matter how far I shove myself into a corner or how many layers of anything I can get my hands on are thrown over my head the light still burns me and I can’t get away from it. The urge to pluck, scratch, pinch, poke and hit are so overwhelming because I need a focal point to my emotions and when I give in the focal point stays for just a moment before the cycle begins again. This fucking journey hurts. This feeling of “I so have this” only to kick my own legs out from under me and laugh as I watch myself writhe in emotional darkness. I point my own finger in my face and with authority tell myself I will never be one of them. I will never be good enough to make a difference. I smother a pillow over my head and whisper “stay down where you belong. Let other people come along and do what you think you were meant to do but know deep in your heart you can never do“. I need some time in my own head. To sit quietly next to the burning lights or to float and let the waves crash over me emotionally. I need to slow down and look where my feet are moving and when they are stuck standing, waiting, and wondering where to go next to gently wrap my arms around my shoulder and point the way to better places. The comments are closed and if you have been here for a while you know this is a rare occasion. I know those of you that come here regularly would leave me some words of encouragement or tell me that you have been in this same place. It’s not the words of others I need to hear. It’s the words of inside I need to listen for.
The quote on this picture is how I responded. It didn’t hit me until yesterday how much I needed to hear those very words at the exact moment I was typing them to her. My life is no longer about how many calories I burn or what my next weigh in is going to look like. My life is no longer centered around writing down everything I put in my mouth or accidentally walking into Lane Bryant for the umpteenth time because I once again forgot that I no longer fit into the plus size clothing. It’s no longer about finding a new muscle, adding heavier weights to my lifting or proudly proclaiming for the very first time (and rather loudly I might add) I was considered “overweight” rather than obese (and morbidly obese before that). In the beginning of my Life Changing Journey I used to daydream what it would be like to shed the weight. I daydreamed that my life would be so much easier 110 pounds lighter. I daydreamed what it would be like to walk into any store and without having someone mock me for being in the “smaller” sized section. I daydreamed what it would be like to not struggle with my weight and be someone who could years down the line show someone an old picture of me and have them say “who is that?” Those daydreams are a reality for me. But even in that reality the struggle to move forward is a constant reminder that this life of change is never-ending. I thought I would love the person in the mirror when she moved out of the morbidly obese and into the healthy weight. I thought I would love the person in the mirror when she moved out of the size 24 into the size 8. I thought I would love the person in the mirror when she went from 10 minutes on the elliptical the first time to becoming marathoner and a triathlete. I thought. Truth is I struggle as much today to love my body, my heart and my soul as I did when I first began making the necessary changes to lose weight and take control of my life. I struggle with the idea that I’m a good person. That I have self-worth. That I deserve to be loved as much as the next person. I struggle to love my body and see it the way others see it. I wake up in the morning and check myself in the mirror to make sure that the weight is still gone. I look at my body and instead of seeing what’s not there anymore I only see what the “not there” has left behind: Saggy skin. In the constant struggle I fight. I fight to move forward. I fight to believe in myself. I fight to see me the way others see me. I fight to accept compliments and heartfelt thank you’s. I fight to believe that I am someone important. I fight to believe that when someone tells me they love me, miss me or want to hang with me that they are being truthful. “Struggling is what makes us survivors” My struggles (frustrations fears sadness) are not yours but we are the same. Everyday that we open our eyes and make decisions to be better people, to change our lives, to push away food made by companies that don’t care about us, to spend an extra few minutes breaking a sweat, to take the elevator instead of the stairs, to drink water instead of soda, to looking in the mirror and finding even the smallest thing to love on our bodies is a day that we continue to fight. “Without struggle there would be no reason to fight” Yes life would be easier if we could just wish away the fat, the excess skin, the addictions, the negative thoughts. Life would be easier if we could just snap our fingers and be the person we so long to be. There is a reason we have an obesity epidemic and not a “everyone is a healthy weight” epidemic. There is a reason the world is heavily medicated with heart medicines, blood pressure medicines, anti depressant medicine and <insert whatever other disease you can think of here> medicines. Most people want to just pop a pill and go on with their lives. Most people want food to come in a small paper bag with large bobble head faces or ginormous red lips plastered all over it. They want to be encouraged to “think outside the bun” instead of thinking what to cook inside the kitchen. Most people want words like “chik’in”, “filet-o-fish” and “super size” on their menus or have meal options ordered by numbers instead of trying to eat the right about of proteins, carbs and healthy fats. Most people want to turn something on for entertainment and grow into a chair rather than get out of that chair and grow out of those XXL clothes. Yes I struggle. Yes you struggle. We cry. We wonder if it’s all worth it. We hang our heads and take a deep breath as we painstakingly move (even if its just the smallest step) forward. We make choices that cause us to pump our fists in the air and pat ourselves on the back and in the blink of an eye we make another choice that causes us to lock ourselves in the bathroom and emotionally (and in some cases physically) beat ourselves up until our hearts are bruised with shame and we are so sure that we will never win this fight. I may never “win this fight” but I have already won. I win because I dig in deeper on days that I’m struggling. I win because on days when I feel like I can’t do anything right and I am the last person that deserves to succeed I let those emotions wash over me knowing that this is just how I feel at the moment and not how I feel in a lifetime of moments. I win because I have friends that look to me for inspiration and advice and truth be told if I wasn’t succeeding, friends would not be asking how do they start a life changing journey. I win because in times that I can’t look in the mirror and find one good thing about me I have someone in my life that is a reflection of the love that I deserve. I win because on those days that find me crying more than laughing, afraid more than confident, emotionally weak more than stable I am still living, still pushing through and more importantly (and most importantly) fighting for me. Don’t be ashamed of your struggles and of your fears. Don’t be afraid to admit you’re tired and frustrated. We all are at some point. Don’t be saddened by the notion of having to be present in the life you lead today instead of just ignoring everything around you like the masses. Be thankful… Thankful for the struggle. Thankful for the fight. Thankful that today you survive. (and that today you live)
|
When I was losing weight I felt in most in control when I had a plan.
This has been a great week for running / moving.
This is where I am right now.