Video Post (so random and yet so awesome)

What the heck? Two videos? Tara, are you seriously going vlog crazy?

Yes and no.

I’m enjoying the vlogging quite a bit and some things are better done on video than spending a few hours trying to write a blog post. Especially when you’re just talking about some cool new things you got in the mail recently.

The reason for the second video? A good friend of mine reminded me that while vlogging is awesome there weren’t any captions for my Deaf friends. They could keep up with all that was going on with me through my writings but when I make videos, they’re left just staring at my face.

The second video is another take on the first but in American Sign Language. They aren’t exact but damn close. I’m going to try and remember to do this more often.

Thanks for the reminder Erin.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fdSGzjEbdpo

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qkx8PKbDwr8

Week 5 marathon training (13 to go…)

Last week was a low point.

By comparison, this week was a high point.

This was a great week for me as a runner. As someone who is continually pushing through barriers (mostly the one’s in my own mind) I needed this week like it was no one’s business. It started with my “Are you moving or dying” video post. That 2 minute post shifted something in my brain. It helped me to get back to the basics of why I was running. I spent the rest of this week not worrying about pace and not listening to my mapmyrun program that told me when every mile was complete, and how fast I was running. Instead I went back to listening to my iPod shuffle filled with a funky array of music. Running when it felt good, walking when it felt necessary.

Saturday was my first double digit run since October. Over the last couple of weeks it’s been a constant battle of not comparing what I had done in the past with Ragnar and all the half marathons I did in the last year and the long ass trail run I conquered prior to coming to Halifax. Instead I’ve been fighting to compare what I’m doing today to what I was (or wasn’t doing) just two short years ago and more importantly even just 5 short weeks ago.

On February 14th of 2010 I wrote a post entitled “3 minute run and hello 244“. Two years ago I was 20 pounds into my weight loss journey and to quote “What I thought for sure was impossible was possible. I just ran 3 minutes.” The smile on my face in that post is amazing. That chubby, sweaty, dog ass tired face was so impressed with what I had been able to accomplish.

5 weeks ago running a constant 3 miles was physically challenging for me. It took some time to back into the swing of things and today those same 3 mile runs are much more easier than they were at the beginning of January. As I go forth with the marathon training this milestone of getting into the double digits was something I needed emotionally more than I needed physically.

I won’t lie though.

I had to be pushed out the door to do it.

I came up with every excuse I could use not to go yesterday. “I’m too sore” “There’s too much snow on the ground” “I can do it later” “I can do it tomorrow” Eventually Meegan would gently persuade me to put on my running gear and get out the door. I was scared to run 10 miles. I was scared to cross over into that distance because here on out, every weekend gets longer and longer. I didn’t know if I could push myself physically after a hard previous week and with the foot pain I was experiencing. I was defeated emotionally but couldn’t deny that my feet felt better and my runs this week had been pretty outstanding because I wasn’t caught up in times, just caught up in getting the miles in.

I spent most of the hour and fifty minutes thinking a lot about what it’s going to be like to step up to that starting line May 20th and how I’ll probably start crying long before I start running. I thought about what it’s going to be like to lay out my clothes the night before and how I’m going probably spend a few hours checking and rechecking to make sure everything is perfect. Then I got distracted by all the awesome things going on around me. People walking holding hands. Couples walking with their dogs. Itty Bitties (kids) laughing as they wobble a few feet from their parents on such a beautiful day. I never take pictures when I’m running but yesterday I couldn’t help it as I came to understand that this race will never be about time. This training is never going to be about making sure I PR (personal record) because this is my first marathon and that is my PR.

This was about getting to the top of a steep hill and patting myself on the back as I keep running even when my heart is beating so hard I can feel it in my feet. This is about taking the time to thank the small gaggle of children that have politely moved to the side under the instruction of their big people so that I can run by then without tripping over myself.

This was about singing as loud as I could with a favorite song that came up on my shuffle as it reminded me of a time (not so long ago) when I couldn’t run for three minutes. This was about feeling nostalgic as I thought about the weekend I spent running for 187 miles with people that I hardly knew and parting as family. This was about knowing that even if I couldn’t run 18 miles in the woods today that I will be able to run that again someday and that someday is coming very quickly.

This was about remembering to look up and take notice what was around me instead of looking down and wondering when the run was going to be over. This was about taking a moment to pull out my phone and take a picture because I had come to do what I had come to do: Run the 3 miles down to Point Pleasant Park and then around the circumference of the park twice (4 miles) and I wasn’t going to be coming around again and seeing the picturesque water, the ice still frozen in parts of the park nor these beautiful trees. It was time for me to run the last three miles back home and be finished with this 10 mile run. If I didn’t stop and take a picture the moment would be lost.

I don’t want to lose those moments that remind me that even when my body is sore, my lungs are tired and my feet don’t want to take another step that there is always beauty around me if I keep my eyes and my heart open. I don’t want to ever forget that two years ago I sat in my car and took a picture of me after running for three minutes and the second I took that picture I thought I had just done the impossible.

Every time I run, I am turning that three minute impossibility…

Into a reality.

Taking over Dubya’s blog for the day…

Come on over and check it out:

Can You?

(Well can you?)

Are you moving or dying?

I ran today.

4 miles.

Everything was wonky.

(video warning: Eff Bomb galore)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KpAuaXhK4NA

I didn’t really care.

Week 4 marathon training (14 to go)…

Last week was a tough week.

Because of some serious pain in my feet, I choose to skip two scheduled runs. I ran a total of 12 miles and that 4 mile marker over there is from a long day of walking in hopes of keeping my feet stretched out so I could run again the following day.

I couldn’t.

I reached out to a good friend of mine, who lucky me not only plays a foot doctor on t.v. (and by t.v. I mean twitter/facebook) but is a podiatrist in real life. To know me is to know I have an extremely difficult time reaching out to people in times of physical or emotional need (and truth be told in times of not needing). Even writing the following sentences make me want to stop blogging and say hateful things to myself for asking for help…

It’s a long story as to why it’s debilitating to ask for help.

That’s another blog post.

I reached out and she reached back. Giving me lots of advice (and much needed love) and so I spent week #4 trying to take care of my feet that will carry me over the finish line of that first 26.2 in 14 weeks. Experiencing the pain this past week has been hard as I’m sure it’s hard on so many other people. For me its defeating. I begin to wonder what is the point of all this work if it’s just going to make me cry thinking about getting out of bed. I keep thinking that maybe I’ll just give up running even though there is a love that I can’t explain for it.

My brain goes off on so many tangents when I think about the possibility of not being able to run the way I would like. Not being able to become an ultra marathoner or breaking a sub 4 marathon. Running is the first thing I did that helped me truly believe in my ability to succeed. I try so hard not to get all freaking emo over the thought of not running because I’ve lived with this pain for so long and I know it comes and goes and right now I’m in a “it’s coming” phase. I didn’t run because of physical pain and now I’m having a hard time running again because of emotional pain…

I feel stupid for being so caught up emotionally in my running. I feel stupid for being caught up emotionally in this journey even though I’ve been on it for over two years. I know it’s a lifetime of learning, adjusting, listening, forgiving, accepting and moving forward but sometimes I wish I could just leave the emotions out of my thought process.

Emotionally I’ve been putting off doing a lot of things lately. I’ve been writing outside of this blog and intentionally have stopped because I’m ~~afraid it won’t be good enough~~ too scared to trust myself that what I have to say is important. I’ve been emotionally blocking my thought processes around food, ignoring triggers and intentionally putting things in my mouth that don’t do anything but cause me more angst.

Here’s the truth behind all of this:

I’m afraid to succeed.

While the pain is real in my feet, there’s more going on. I know it. I’m using pain as part of the excuse to keep me from doing what I want more than anything in this world: To be successful. A successful runner. Weight loss story. Motivator. Book writer. Anything that will bring me a sense of accomplishment is pushed away by my core belief that I can’t succeed in anything. Even this blog causes me angst as the number of readers go up, I feel a strong desire to just stop because I can’t be successful at anything.

While the outside world tells me that I have a lot to offer and am loved beyond even my own comprehension, I struggle to love all that is me. People reach out to me and I envelope them in words of comfort. I wrap them in thoughts of love and support and send them on their way with visions of kicking ass and taking names but at the end of the day I can’t even come up with three things I love about myself.

The closer I get to succeeding, the harder I fight to fail.

I spend hours thinking about all the things I’m doing “wrong” instead of thinking about all the thing I’m doing right. I spend hours trying to shield that little light inside of me that is kept going by what I hear and feel from those around me only to snuff it out with a few of my own hurtful thoughts. I feel like a tire that I continually fill with air, give it a good kick to ensure it’s inflated and before I drive off into the sunset confident of where I’m going, I shove a nail into the tire and wait for it to deflate.

My proverbial toolbox is filled to the brim with knowing how to dispense advice on self love. How to motivate people to get after what they deserve. To stand up and take control. To love the reflection in the mirror when all they want to do is scream at the eyes that look at them.

It’s time I start asking for those tools back. It’s time I start telling the truth about how I feel about myself. I don’t mean telling the world, I mean turning in towards myself and admitting that at the end of the day I’m not afraid to love…

But that I’m afraid to love me.

A first for everything / Aquaphor winner…

Well here it is my first video post…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=arkmLwNyTQA

Random Generator spit out the winner of the Aquaphor products!

That’s Jacksh*t!

Week 3 Marathon training (15 to go)…

This is me.

Yes I am dressed like a taco.

A ~~holy hell if I had balls they’d be frozen to my thighs~~ cold taco.

This was taken yesterday (February 5th) and the weather was a chilly 9F. Factor in the wind chill and it was a bone crushing -6F.

Why the taco outfit you ask (you ARE asking right)? I spent the morning volunteering at a water stop (the halfway point) during the Hypothermic Half Marathon. When I moved to Halifax I decided to to join a running group ~~and fell in love with~~, happened upon Heart & Sole. Totally free. Totally friendly. Totally talked me into wearing this taco outfit while we passed out water (and hand warmers).

I’m a sucker when it comes to playing dress up.

Back in Tacoma I never volunteered before at a race. I was always too damn eager to register as a runner. As a newbie I wanted to be in everything I could get my hands on (within a reasonable distance of course by which I mean both what I could run and how far I was willing to drive). Now I’m looking at the longer distance races which come fewer and farther in between. Also being unable to work puts a damper on your ability to pay for all the fees. So instead of earning another 13.1 medal I earned the thank you(s) of all the runners that I got to cheer on as they ran by me. I was freezing. They were freezing. No seriously they were freezing. Some of them had icicles hanging off of their beards and running hats. Not to mention the frost collecting on their eyelids (I at least had a warm car I could hop in for a few minutes in between down times). It was super awesome to see the first (super fast super competitive) runners. I never get a chance to see them unless they are already on their way back to the finish line and they happen to have to run back towards the slower runners. It was even better to see the last of the runners and remember what it was like to be at the back of the pack and throw them a little extra loud cowbell their way as they got to the halfway point and headed back another 6.55 miles to the finish line.

While I always thank volunteers I see on a route, I have a new found respect for people that take a few hours out of their day to cheer me on while I try to grab a small cup of water, figure out how to drink it, crush the cup and find the garbage can to toss my newly crushed cup away so they don’t have to clean up after me. I’m going to be extra vigilant to pass out my thank you(s) more freely. If you happen to be wearing a taco costume when I run by you have my undying love and admiration.

It was a great way to end a great week of running.

While I didn’t “move” as many miles this week as I did in week #2 I ran more. I didn’t incorporate as much walking this week as work has been a little hectic for Meegan and some days walking to meet her didn’t pan out. Last week I moved a total of 29 miles over 7 days (of which 18 miles were running). This week I moved a total of 24 miles over 4 days (of which 22 were running). I feel really good about that. My longest run Friday (8 miles) was spectacular. I thought after running 3 days in a row without a rest day before my long run would make for a hard (both physically and mentally) day. I planned ahead and kept the route close to home and added something that I love to do:

I know call me crazy but I do have a slight love affair with hills. It might be because I used to live in a place where you can’t run anywhere without running up or down some hill (and by some hill I mean a ginormous I’m gonna die kind of hill). Since I’m still learning the in(s) and out(s) of Halifax mapping out longer runs can be a little more frustrating that what it’s worth. A few weeks ago I thought I had mapped out a good 6 mile run only to find myself lost and practically on the freeway (both not good). I know my neighborhood pretty damn good and I don’t live to far from a beautiful historic land mark known as Citadel Hill.

To run the base and then up around the top is just shy of 2.1 miles. It’s about a mile from my home. That means that on Friday I left my house, ran the mile to the Citadel, spent 6 glorious miles running around the base, running up the hill, running around the top, running down the hill before finally heading home for the last of the 8 miles. Of course the picture above doesn’t do justice to the elevation so I of course mapped it on mapmyrun:

Hell yes!

It was a great week to run. 8 miles is the longest I’ve run since completing the 18 mile trail run back in October. I thought I would be more disappointed at this point that I haven’t run double digits but to be completely honest with you, I’m not disappointed at all. As I’ve eased back into a running schedule I’ve really enjoyed paying attention to how different conditions affect the pace of my run. I’ve learned to appreciate how my muscles feel on those days I feel like I am breezing through the miles and I’ve learned to appreciate how my brain feels on those days where I just can’t seem to take another step. I’m already a stronger runner today than I was 3 weeks ago so I know there is no rush to get up to the double digits. I trust Chris and his schedule in getting me to my first marathon the same way I trusted c25k to get me to my first 5k. This week is a bit of a taper back with my long runs (6 miles) but an increase in my short runs (4 miles)…next week is my first double digit run (10 miles)…

hmmmmm

Maybe I’ll go back to Citadel hill.

Week 2 (16 to go) and some “lip service”

I’ve completed two weeks of marathon training.

I can feel my body adjusting already to easing back into the routine of running on a regular basis. Last week I “moved” for a total of 29 miles (of which 18 miles were running including finding myself on the highway and far from where I *should* have been). I like where I am this week. I don’t feel the necessity to balls it to the walls (“Oh my GOD I should be out running 15 half marathons every weekend!!!!) and instead of looking ahead to running double digits mid February I’m staying right here and enjoying the fact that two weeks ago it was hard to run 6 miles but this past Sunday while I was tired it didn’t beat me down to the ground to run for an hour.

This morning was an easy (I NEVER thought I’d use the word easy to describe running) 3 miles and to date was the best run so far. When you wake up and it’s A) in the single digits B) Snowy from the night before C) Icy as fuck you know it makes for an “interesting” run. You can’t run for speed. You can’t zone out into the runner’s high until it’s over. You have to stay here, present and slow down for safety reasons. I chose to run over the bridge this morning because if there is one thing that Halifax never fails to give me it’s a beautiful sunrise.

It was amazing to run and feel my legs today. To feel my lungs work. To see my breath in the winter cold because I was out running. I was out doing something good for my body. Doing something good for my heart. Doing something good for my soul. I’m still amazed at how much less exertion there is running 3 miles this week as there was even just a few weeks ago. Today it was nothing to get out there for 3 miles. In fact at the turn around point I was a little disappointed. I didn’t expect it to come so quickly and as I turned around to head back to where I started I gave myself a little pat on the back for being disappointed that the run was ending so quickly instead of being obese, out of breath and angry that I was trying to run.

My food the last couple of days have been better.

Not perfect but better.

I recognize that my body must be fed in order to run.

Now that I’m running more regularly that means I’m outside in the cold much more than what I’m used too. I’ve been meaning to do a product review for something that I received a while back but it didn’t seem fitting until now. I’ve been using this product for a while but didn’t really notice how much I’ve come to love it until these last two weeks when I find myself in below zero temperatures more and more often. It’s not a particular running accessory (though I am in dire need of accessories). It’s not a particular piece of clothing (though again I could use some new running clothes). It’s not even something I use while I’m running but rather after I return home, teeth chattering and find my lips dry and my hands even dryer…

I’ve had these two little “lifesavers” with me since I’ve moved to Halifax and I can’t begin to tell you how much of a relief it’s been to use them when my poor little hands are chapped from being unaccustomed to the just how freaking cold it gets here and my lips are so red (and not in a sexy way!)

The best part about these products is you can find them pretty much ANYWHERE. I mean don’t get me wrong, I love to do reviews for companies that are solely web based but when I review a product that I love AND can buy just by walking to my nearest drugstore or Sobey’s then you can pretty much bet it’s going to get my full on stamp of T-Rex approval (RAWR!)

I’m not afraid to admit that there have been nights that my hands are so chapped I’ve had to lather them up to a disgusting degree and don some socks on my hands to let the Aquaphor do their magic. I’ve also greased up my lips to the point where I look like I’ve sucked on a vat of chicken grease but you know what? I don’t care because at the end of the day (or the beginning of the next day when I remove the socks from my hands) my skin is back to a healthy feel.

I’ve done product reviews for Eucerin before and personally didn’t fall in love with one of the products but only because it wasn’t a good match for my sensitive skin (and I mean really sensitive). I appreciate the fact that they took my honest opinion for just that (my opinion) and sent me another product to try. Both of these products (the lip repair and skin therapy) were a perfect match for me and I haven’t had any kind of reaction at all (bonus!).

Once again, the company is stepping up to the plate and offering a sample to anyone that happens upon my review. The rules are simple. There is no liking and no following this time. I just want to know one thing:

How much do you love your skin?

For a week, you can come back here and tell me every day how much you love your skin. Want to tell me once? Great. Want to come back here and tell me a gazillion times? Fantastic. But this time next week I’m gonna let one of you guys try the goodness that keeps my skin and lips healthy (is there a dirty joke in here somewhere?)

P.S. This is open to US and Canadian residents!

P.P.S are you on Daily Mile? Maybe you should be my friend. I need all the cheerleaders I can get while I train!

Eating…huh?

Confession: I don’t like to eat.

I know it sounds abrupt and general in terms of the concept of eating but for the most part I really don’t like to do it. Some days it’s so much of a chore (read: emotionally) that it’s easier for me to just have a smoothie in the morning and then not think about it again until it’s time for dinner. And to be honest if it wasn’t for Meegan and I having dinner together every night I would just as well skip that meal too.

I am still very much caught in the web of emotional eating.

Confession: The emotional web is that I feel like I don’t “deserve” to eat. When I lived in Tacoma my food was pretty much spot on. Get up in the morning, hit the training center hard and first thing I did when I got home to get ready for work was eat. I’d pack a lunch bag chock full of veggies, fruit and appropriate fixings for lunch that would kept me going during the day and at when it was time to return home I always had dinner. 3 meals and 2 snacks. Every day. No problem.

Now I’m having a problem.

For the last three months my eating “habits” have been progressively getting fewer and farther in between. I’ve had to turn to drinking my food (smoothies, protein shakes) more than eating my food because it’s easier for me emotionally right now. The difference between Tacoma and Halifax? As silly as it feels to write this (because I’m sure no one ever thinks the things I do…<insert smirk here>) I know it’s because of a few different reasons of which I feel it’s appropriate to list using bullets here:

I’m not working (i.e bringing in money).
I panic there won’t be enough food because I’m not working.
I’m not doing as much weight training as before
I’m afraid of gaining weight.
I’m terrified of eating during marathon training.

It’s frustrating because Logical Tara knows she need to eat. I mean seriously, this marathon is some serious business. Running 4 x’s a week with each week progressively getting longer in miles means my calorie output is going to go through the roof. Double digit runs are just a few weeks away and I’m lucky if I’m getting in a total of 1200 calories in my food a day (since I’m not counting calories any longer this is a general estimate but one that’s probably pretty accurate). I can feel it affecting me physically; tired, head rushes happening more often.

Emotional Tara looks down at her food and wants to pick up the plate and give it a good throw again the wall. I love the process of making food (you have been looking at the recipes over at TheHDD right?) but am having a real problem then sitting down and enjoying the food. When I do eat I eat faster now because it’s easier to just get it over with so that repetitive “you shouldn’t be eating cause you’re not working and bringing money into the house, you’re going to gain weight if you keep eating, today is a rest day so lay off the food” will quiet itself sooner than later.

So frustrating.

I wonder if I’ll ever be in a place where food and I will have some sort of copacetic relationship? The type of relationship where I will look at my food and say “Yes, this is exactly what I want and exactly what I will eat” and my food will answer gleefully “Yes, this is exactly what you want and you will eat all of me”…

For now it’s back to having a check list. Back to having Meegan gently nudge me with the “what did you eat” question. Back to letting the fear of weight gain and the fear of running out of food have it rightful place in my emotional suitcase so that I can prove once again that these fears are based in emotions and not in fact. I may resort to going back to eating the same things every day as it helps to keep me calm while I’m eating (I have have enough recipe posts for TheHDD that I could pull this off and keep blogging over there)…

All I know is I need to eat.

And today that’s a big step for me.

Dear Richard Simmons

Dear Richard,

I’m not sure why I feel so compelled to write this blog post today and specifically write it about you. Yesterday I was out walking like I normally do. When I walk for long periods of time my mind wanders to what life used to be like for me. I think about how little I cared for myself and how today nothing is as it used to be.

Many times I think about all the people that have come into my life over the last two years either in person or via some outlet of social media. When someone pops into my mind I try to concentrate on them even if for just a minute and send them good thoughts in case they are feeling down about themselves or having a hard time believing in themselves.

Yesterday I was thinking about my friends David and Kenlie. It just so happens that David wrote about you on the exact same day that I was thinking about him and about you (strange no?) I care deeply for both of them because we all share the same struggles of weight loss.

I was thinking about you yesterday because I am apart of a group of people called “FitFluential” and I’m not so sure I’m a good fit for them. It’s hard for me to articulate at this time but I don’t think I am the “brand” they are looking for…more importantly I don’t think they are the “brand” I am looking for.

I am emotionally wrapped up in wanting other people to stand up and take control of their lives. I am emotionally wrapped up in showing people who are convinced that they can’t, that in fact they can because I was sure I couldn’t either. I don’t have a child I’m trying to be healthy for. I don’t have family members I’m trying to role model for by making better decisions. My heart and compassion goes far beyond that. It goes out to people who don’t even know I exist. It goes out to the person looking at a flight of stairs and wondering if they can get to the top without having to stop and catch their breath. It goes out to the runner that is crying before the start of their first race because they are in the right place for the first time in their lives. It goes out to the person who pulls into the fast food drive-thru and then pulls away without placing an order because shoving food into their mouth without thought is no longer an option.

I was walking and thinking about all this and you came to mind. My guess is you think about people the same way I do. I want you to know how thankful I am for you. How thankful I am that you came into my friends’ life and how thankful I am that you weaved in and out of my own life on the television set until I decided it was time and then set myself on a path to do something about saving my life.

I’m sure people come up to you everyday and thank you; for changing their lives, for believing in them, for caring about them. That’s what I aspire to become. I want someone somewhere to be walking and thinking about where they once were and where they are today and send up a little thank you to the universe that I could be a part of their journey.

I hope you felt me thinking about you.

Thank you for helping me understand what I’m trying to do.

You are my brand.