In three weeks five of my crazy running buddies and I are going to do something most people only dream of: We’re going drive to Blaine Washington (the border city to Canada) and for the next 36 hours we’re going to run our fucking asses off for 187 miles.

Non Stop.

A few days ago I received an email from the staff at Ragnar. They are putting a call out to hear our stories. They want to know why we’re running this crazy ass event and instead of sending an email I thought I’d write an open letter to them and to my fellow runners and volunteers that will be spending what is likely to be one of the most pivotal events of my life.

So let’s get started…

Dear Ragnar: Even as I start to write down my reasons for showing up to the starting line on July 22, 2011 the tears start to fall. It’s best for me to explain to you why showing up with an ultra team of runners and the special volunteers that have agreed to help in my favorite form of writing: bullets!

• I’m running because not that long ago I was morbidly obese, weighing in at 270 pounds. Having just turned 40 I thought my life was as good as it was going to get. I was chronically depressed, addicted to video games and would rather spend 8 hours in the made up reality of World of Warcraft and shove crap in my mouth than break a sweat being outside. Little did I know that not long after my 40th birthday I would be having a conversation with some colleagues of mine and decide that enough was enough. I would start small (taking the stairs instead of the elevator) and build from there. Stairs led to short lunch break walks. Short walks led to longer morning walks. Longer morning walks led to running a block. Running a block led to running a little longer. Running a little longer led to running a lot longer…110 pounds later I am who I am meant to be. The person showing up to your starting line on the 22nd is the person I’ve searched for my entire life.

• I’m running because today I left my house this morning and ran even when I didn’t much feel like it. On my route I saw a woman who was so large she had to lean back in order to put enough force into her swing to move her legs forward. While I was never close to being that large, the lifestyle I chose to lead before this life changing  journey began was one that could have easily had my face on her body.

• I’m running because I bring with me six people who I care deeply about along with two others I think will quickly become just as important to me by the end of the 187 miles we collectively will run together. Sharla, (runner #6) our team captain who I met at the beginning of this journey through blogging and was lucky enough to live just in the next town over. She has inspired me to be a better runner and to look at the world with one eye of sarcasm and one eye of humor. Brandon, (runner #4) who is like a younger brother to me.  We both started the journey of changing our lives and chasing what we deserved at the same time. We’re both on the other side of success when so many of us fell off to the way side and for that I am so stinking proud of him. Mac, (runner #3) who I’ve never met in person (that’s going to change in a few short weeks) but has given me more support on this journey than most people standing next to me in real life. It’s hard to explain how you can care for someone you’ve never even hugged in person but then not much about this journey is easy to explain. Meegan (volunteer #1) who has shown me that hard work and perseverance pays off in not only finding happiness with one self but also in finding it in someone else. Jessi (volunteer #2) who is not long on her own journey but knows this is one worth fighting because she deserves it. Michael (volunteer #3 – who wanted to run this damn race with us but couldn’t) who has seen the changes in me from the beginning and is a constant source of much-needed encouragement (and the occasional 90 minute massage!) and finally Lindsay (runner #2) and Ryan (runner #5) who are joining this troupe not knowing anything about who we are but putting faith in us that we will come through for them in the same way they will for us. I will not be the fastest runner of our team. In fact, by the end of my third leg I could very easily be the slowest but what I can promise to do is A) Start B) Finish and C) Love every second of it even through the countless tears and obligatory eff bombs.

• I’m running because some day someone who will be at a crossroads in their life. They will need to choose between dying a slow and depressing death being bogged down by labels like “morbidly obese”  or standing up and taking control of what is right in front of them: Life. When the day comes that they choose life, someone is going to point them in my direction. They’re going to see that anything is possible when you want it so bad you’ll do anything to get it…even run a 187 mile relay.

• I’m running not because I want to but because I need too. My body wants to know that it’s capable of doing this. Every day it asks me to push it farther, work it harder, and make it stronger. Everyday it wants to know what it’s like to move and sweat. It spent too many years sitting idly by for my brain to draw the line and say enough was enough. It longs to prove to my heart, mind and soul that it is capable of doing some pretty amazing shit.

• I’m running for anyone that has wondered what if….the answer is undoubtably yes

So you see Ragnar staff there are so many reasons why I’ll be strapping on my running shoes and donning my favorite running hat July 22nd and stepping up to that starting line at 7:30 in the morning and for the next 36 hours running towards something much bigger than a finish line…

I’m running towards Life.

GO TEAM OPTIMUS PRIME!

(187 miles or bust)

 

 

Is loving ourselves so hard?

Why is the path to finding health and happiness so excruciatingly difficult and the escape from obesity seem more like an impossibility than a possibility? More often than not I still can’t look at myself in the mirror and come up with 3 things I like about the way I look.

Overly Critical.

Overly Judgemental.

Overly Harsh.

Down right mean at times.

Yesterday I was looking at my feet and before I could blink I had begun the negative berating of how ugly I felt they were. I thought my toes looked long and lanky. I thought the veins were popping out too much. The blisters healing on the sides of my feet  added to the berating and by the time I was done I never wanted to look at my feet again. I knew that if I didn’t like the way they looked neither would anyone else that had to look at them. What was the point of losing a shit ton of weight only to end up with ugly looking feet???

Seriously, this is my train of thought.

I went from thinking “my feet are ugly” to “she’s not going to want to see my body” (and if you’ve been paying attention on twitter you know who she is. More importantly she knows who she is). It’s so easy to go from one tiny little thing I don’t like about myself to full blown body hatred and while most times it’s easy to go through the steps of Dialectical Behavior Therapy and bring myself back, I sometimes find myself treating this body hatred with things that are self sabotaging instead of self loving.

Mindlessly eating.

Not going to the gym for days

Convincing myself I’m not good enough.

Wanting to stay in bed instead of getting up and moving forward.

Saying negative things in my head.

Refusing to be nice to myself.

Wanting to give up.

Why is this? I’ve been on this journey for close to 19 months. I’ve been in those dark places so often and every time I pull myself out of them I think “Okay, that’s it. That has to be the last time I’m going to think bad things about myself. This has to be the last time I shove (insert food here) into my mouth looking for comfort. Look where I’ve come from. Look where I’m going…” And yet I find myself in those dark places again and more frustrated than the last time.

If I’m doing this.

So are you.

This journey is for a lifetime. A lifetime of learning how to soften the self critical voice and strengthen the voice of self love, self worth and believing that above all we deserve to love who we are and who we want to become. The critical voice is rooted deep in the fibers of our being. It doesn’t want to give up it’s place in our lives.  The more successful we are in losing weight, becoming happy and congruent with what we deserve the louder and more determined that self critical voice becomes. It will use any excuse to dig it’s nasty little claws into us and shake us to the core of our being in hopes that we will surrender to its desires rather than follow our own…

Yesterday I thought I had ugly feet.

Today I know that those feet are the very ones that carried my body when it was too heavy. I know that those feet walked my dogs everyday while I tried to break a sweat. I know those feet took a few thousand steps on and off the wii board as I punched the funny looking boxing bag on my tv screen. I know those feet ran when I didn’t think they could and then proved to me they could actually run pretty freakin fast. I know those feet are the first thing to start working in the morning when my alarm goes off at 330a most mornings and the last thing to finish when I’m exhausted and fall into bed. I know these feet won’t fail me even when I feel like I’ve failed myself…

I’m sorry I hated you feet.

You deserve nothing but  love!

Thank you.

(Your turn)

I’ve been a slacker.

I admit it.

I have a few product reviews I’ve put on the back burner when life took an unexepected (but expected) turn. I’m on vacation right now (Holy mother of all that is pure Florida is hot in June) and with that comes extra time to catch up on the much needed posts about the kindness of companies that send me stuff to try and give my honest opinion.

You know I love honest opinions right?

I’ve said it before and I will continue to say it; it takes a lot of balls for them (the company) to send random people samples in hopes that they (the consumer) like the product(s) enough to write nice things about them. When you send me something I will be honest and sometimes that honesty isn’t what you want to hear…

This is not one of those times.

(Had you for a second didn’t I)

This particular review is going to get a little more in depth than the Eurcerin review just because you can’t walk into your local grocery store and pick up a MFE product and read the back of the label or try a little from the over used (often dirty) sample bottle left out on the counter.

One of the first things that struck me as awesome about this particular company is that the email Stergios Bekas (who is the Director of Marketing) sent included a comment on a blog post he had read. He actually took the time to read something about who I was and didn’t just do a fly by the seat of your pants massive blog generated list of people to contact (or if he did, he covered his ass really well – nice job Stergios!).

Another thing that struck me as awesome about this company is that they are an organic and chemical free skincare line. Now if you’ve been paying attention (you have been paying attention right???), you will know that I have extremely sensitive facial skin and very few products ever make it past the first try when it comes to coming in contact with my noggin.

Here’s what the company website says about their ingredients:

We only select the highest potency organic ingredients for our healthy products.  All our ingredients / plants are from certified organic farms.  There are no potentially toxic ingredients in our products. There is no diluting or watering down of our potent organic plant ingredients.  There is no synthetic coloring agents or fragrances, or paraffin and other petroleum products are permitted.  Preservatives from synthetic sources are not permitted, such as Parabens (propyl, methyl and ethyl).  Lastly, all manufacturers must provide a certificate of organic certification from the USDA concerning their processes and ingredients. We are 100% farmed and sourced in the USA. Our unique organic ingredients product development teams have put together the purest and most potent organic ingredients, which include organic juices, aloe vera, honey, natural botanicals, and natural plant oils.

(kick ass!)

Here’s what Stergios sent:

 

It’s a little difficult to see the bottle here but this is the “Green Tea Toxin Cleanser”. Another thing I love about this particular company is each product has its own web page with a detailed description of the product, directions, information about the ingredients themselves (what makes this product awesome) and finally a full list of what’s in the bottle! LOVE THAT! Just to give you a little bit of an idea of what kind of cool stuff is in their products, here’s a the list of what’s in this little bottle of goodness:

Organic Aloe Vera, Organic Green Tea, Milk, Organic Lavender Distillate, Organic Roman Chamomile Distillate, Rose Distillate, Grapeseed Oil, Witch Hazel, Vitamin E, Polysaccharide Gum, Organic Honey, Vitamin C Ester, Pro-Vitamin B5, Vitamin A (Retinol Palmitate), Black Willowbark Extract, Neem Oil, EDTA, Rosemary, Citric Acid.

This stuff rocked my socks.

That’s saying something people. It didn’t sting. It didn’t turn my face red and blotchy. It smelled good. And if it did in fact get my face clean, then that’s an extra added bonus in my book. It didn’t take much to use either so while the $15.99 cost might have some sticker shock to the regular joe “I want to buy something environmentally good for the world and good for my body” consumer, this seems like it would go a long way…

This little bottle is the “Rosehip + Hibiscus Organic Face Serum”. Now to know me is to know that I have no idea what anything means when it comes to skin care. Remember I’m just learning about the idea that body lotion is for the body and facial lotion is for the face. Color me late to the party but when I first looked at this bottle I had no idea what a serum is.

So I looked it up:

A face serum is a clear, thick, liquid beauty product applied to the face and neck area. Face serums come in many different varieties and are often meant to target a specific problem. They can be used to help fight the signs of aging such as lines, wrinkles, and dark spots. They can also be used to help prevent acne and brighten the skin. Depending on its specific purpose, a serum can contain a wide variety of ingredients, including vitamin C, amino acids, mushrooms, glycerin, cucumber, and aloe.

People are often confused about the differences between a moisturizer and a face serum, and may be unsure if they should use one or both products. Due to their large molecules, moisturizers can only penetrate the first layer of the skin, allowing them to hydrate and seal in moisture. A face serum is able to penetrate into all three layers of the skin because it is made of smaller molecules. The serums ability to go deeper into the skin is what allows it to help combat many common beauty complaints.

(end of skin care lesson 101)

I loved this product too! That’s two for two if your keeping score. Again no redness, no blotchiness, no itching, no drying of my skin. Did it make my skin tighter? I don’t know. Do I know exactly what’s suppose to happen over time in using this product? No. I’m not an expert here people. If it wasn’t for particular people in my life with some knowledge of this kind of thing I wouldn’t look at this stuff twice but now that I’ve tried it, I will use the product to the end to see exactly what (if anything) it does to my skin. It comes with a $24.99 sticker and since I’m clueless about fancy serum products, I don’t know if this is a sticker shock or not (insert your opinion here).

I feel so grown up using a serum.

Another thing you should know about me (and put this on your list of things to buy me for birthdays, christmas and/or any other major gift giving holiday) is that I love lip balm. When I say love it, I mean mildly obsessed with it. I have a gazillion (okay maybe 10) different lip balms usually within reach so you can just imagine the squeal of delight (and if you tell anyone I squeal I will deny it) when these two bad boys rolled out of the mailing envelope and into my hot little hands.

Directions for use (from the website):

Apply to lips as needed.

It should come with personalized instructions like; “Tara, don’t eat it even though they smell delicious and you can’t stop licking your lips like your L.L. Cool J”. Of the two (Citrus and Vanilla) I preferred the citrus and at a 3.99 price tag you better believe there will be more coming my way as soon as I run out…

So there you have it folks. Four products (or three is you count two flavors as one product) and my honest opinion: I loved them.

Thanks Stergios for taking the time to read my blog and then asking me to try your products. I like what Made From Earth has to offer and since you didn’t make my face all red and blotchy you get a A+ in my book!

 

 

 

Want to know what my plans are?

Here’s one of them:

Oh Yes I am doing this!

Today even!

I’m breaking away from the traditional run like mad crazy to get to the finish line as fast as Tara possible to do my very first mud run. I’m nervous as fuck. I have no idea what to expect (except to get dirty). I’m scared I won’t finish and get my bad ass tiki medal (I won’t lie, it’s the only reason I signed up for this race). I’m afraid I’m going to get hurt. I’m worried I won’t be strong enough to get up the rope wall or mud hill. I don’t like surprises and there are two mystery obstacles in this 3.3 mile, 14 obstacle course.

Mostly I’m sad because I’m going alone.

It’s one of the hardest parts about ending a long term relationship.

In almost every race since I started running last year, I’ve gone with another runner or had Mitch/friends go to support me. Last week I did the Sound to Narrows 12k run as it was my one year anniversary race. It was the very first race I went too completely alone. I drove myself there, I walked myself to the starting line, I ran and when I crossed the finish line I grabbed my stuff and left. It was a tough race and when I needed someone to take care of me because I was too sore to move, I cried out of pain and loneliness as I stood up to take care of me.

This may take some getting used too.

(shameless photo opportunity in 3…2….1)

 

So yhea Survivor mud run

Alone

Still gonna be Awesome!

Just doing the mud run would make for a fantastic weekend but there is something else happening that I’ve not really shared too much with the blogger world because this is one of those events in my life that is monumental. I’m flying to Florida tomorrow (red eye after mud run) to see my aunt Kathee and my brother Kevin…

The last time they saw me I looked like this:

 

This is the picture I hate most of all out of that trip to New York back in September 2009. It would still be 4 months before I realized I didn’t want to live my life the way it was going. It’s difficult to look at these pictures and know that I am was that 270 pound person. I recognize myself and at the same time it feels surreal to know the person that is writing this blog post is some where in there waiting to be set free.

They’ve seen progress pictures during the last 18 months but they’ve yet to wrap their arms around this much smaller body or hang out with this much happier soul.  It’s exciting. And yet I’m sad that they missed out on being a part of this journey with me. I’ve been thinking a lot about my family as of late. Being a part of Mitch and his family for the last 10 years helped to fill a void. My family (except for my niece whom I love and adore) have always been separated by thousands of miles and years of family “crap”. Now that the void is not being filled by the Mitch and my in-laws, my heart longs to be a part of something to call my own.

This is another part of the journey.

The part where I love them.

The part where they love me.

All of me.

(Just smaller)

 

 

 

The other day I was having lunch with my super good friend Kelly (Starting My 45th Year) and we were talking a number of things you usually talk about when you haven’t seen each other in a while and you both are on your own Life Changing Journey: Relationships, food, weight loss, dealing with changes and just general “what’s going on with Life” stuff.

During our conversation we started talking about how it’s easier to be frustrated over a situation than deal with the guilt when it comes to making a decision that include other people. In both of our lives we’ve allowed choices to be made that included other people and what they wanted instead of what we really needed to do in order to move forward and in the end it resulted in feeling angry at the other person and angry at ourselves for not remaining true to what we wanted / needed.

Guilt is a very powerful persuader.

It’s easier to deal with the frustration when important people in our lives are continuing to make unhealthy food choices when all we are trying to do is cut down on fats, count calories and keep healthy options in the refrigerator.  We feel guilty for asking people to make changes with us. We feel guilty that we want to make life changes. We feel guilty that in order for these life changes to take place, we have to put ourselves first. Guilt keeps us from asking for what we want. Frustration is so much easier to deal with but eventually frustration leads back to a path of self destruction. We stop making the healthy choices and go back to stuffing our faces with crappy food.

It’s easier to deal with frustration when our lives are so busy with kids, jobs and spouses that we feel like we can’t ask for some time alone to get outside and move a little more than we normally do or get to the gym for a class we’ve been dying to take. We feel guilty for wanting to take time for ourselves to break a sweat, to do something that is solely for our benefit. Instead of asking for what is necessary we sit on the couch with the rest of the family.

Guilt is killing us slowly.

Guilt kept me from making the much needed changes that should have happened long before they did. I was afraid to change my life because I knew in the end it was going to hurt someone else. It was easier for me to be frustrated with myself and with those around and continue to make bad choices for myself. It wasn’t just in relation to food and losing weight. Not wanting to deal with the guilt of taking care of myself first and foremost seeped into every aspect of my life way before I decided to take control and shed the fat.

What I’ve learned, now that my head is more clear about the importance of taking care of myself was that the frustration was just as detrimental to my well being as avoiding whatever guilt I thought I would have to face. I chose to make bad food choices because it was easier to be frustrated. That frustration however led me to weigh 270 pounds and to have a size 24 waist. I chose to be lazy because it was easier to be frustrated instead of feeling guilty because I didn’t want to be sedentary any longer. That frustration however led me to be addicted to World of Warcraft and completely disassociate myself from my environment. I chose to stay in a relationship longer than I wanted because it was easier to be frustrated. That frustration however led me to hurting someone that cared deeply for me instead of freeing ourselves to find happiness.

Frustration is not easier than guilt.

They are both feelings that bring about negativity and ultimately sabotage our ability to be truly happy with who we are, where we’re going and what we’re trying to accomplish.  Taking control of our lives should always come first before anything else regardless of how we think other people will feel or how they will react. In the end, it’s our own fear of what we think they will do, say, act that causes them to do just what we imagined they would do.

In the end it’s our own fear that causes us to think, say and act in ways that keep us from succeeding.

Frustration.

Guilt.

They don’t belong.

You belong.