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A chaotic weekend of trying to cram as much love, excitement, sharing, inspiring, crying, laughing, learning, teaching, understanding, recommitting as possible in 48 hours. If you’ve been on this journey with me for any amount of time you know this is the only “fitness/weightloss” blogging conference I attend. There are literally dozens to choose from but this gathering of people have a special place in my heart and each year I leave vowing to return. This year is no different. Well actually this year is very different. Again, Mimi and I have been offered to return to continue the much needed discussion of “When You Have A Lot To Lose: The before, during and after journey of losing over 100 pounds” and just like last year we are absolutely THRILLED to begin planning our much needed trip out West… That’s where we run into a little problem.
Road Trip is out of the question. Well I mean, we *could* pack up the Dusty and drive the 3500+ miles to get from point A (Halifax NS) to point B (Portland OR) but a few things are getting in the way: Earning my first ever 70.3 and that pesky problem of still not being able to work in Canada as I ever so patiently wait for my immigration paper work to be processed (16 months later and still no word) so there is very little income coming from my side of the duo that is known as The Mimi and The Tara. Not to mention time. A road trip of that extent would take at least two weeks round trip and I don’t know about you guys but while I do love a good road trip, I don’t love it THAT much. In order for Mimi and I to get to Fitbloggin13 this year we have to fly. That puts a damper on things. Someone suggested putting a little widget on my blog to see if people wanted to donate to our “Get Tara and Mimi to Fitbloggin13” campaign and that’s just what I’m doing… See it up there in the corner… It’s painful to ask but ask I must. I’m not one to take help often but I know when I need to humbly put it out to the universe and this is definitely one of those times. The cost for flying from Halifax for both will be somewhere in the ballpark of $1500 – $2000 and Mimi and I are going to try everything in our power to get on a plane June 26th so that we can be in the one place that we both need to be: FITBLOGGIN13.
Thoughts come and go in such a fury. Like little twinges of electricity pinging to and fro inside that skull of yours, you just want to grab the sides of your head and squeeze for some peace and quiet? You wish you could just look at your computer screen and all those thoughts would magically vomit themselves into some cohesive blog post because you know your fingers can’t keep up with everything you want to say? This happens to me all the time. If I could make money off of every word I truly wanted to write I’d be a millionaire in no time. And yet when I sit down, I find it difficult to grasp one idea and focus. This blog post has no direction. It just has words. May they be cohesive and in order but if not, I say a big old “who gives a flying fuck cause I need to empty out this noggin of mine”. It’s no secret I’m a part of a larger group of fitness bloggers out there known as Fitfluential. Who knows how many people are involved now (tens of thousands I suppose). When it was first being launched I felt a lot of jealousy over who was being asked to join. The big players (but people I was truly inspired by) were joining forces to talk about something I hold very close to my heart: Living a Healthy Lifestyle. Months went by and that jealousy grew. I wanted to play with the big kids. I mean I was sort of my own big kid on the playground (no matter how small my playground may be). I proverbially jumped around in that “pick me, pick me” sort of way and one day it happened. Mimi and I were asked to join. Like that little kid waiting to be picked for the dodge ball team; it didn’t matter to me if I got picked last. The fact that I got picked at all was awesome. Finally I was with the big kids. The story of Mimi and I losing almost 250 pounds collectively, falling in love and forging A Life Changing path for others to follow was amongst the masses that is Fitfluential. Can I tell you a secret? I don’t like it as much as I thought I would. Here’s the deal: It’s like I’m in the middle of an even bigger dodge ball game and there is only one captain. Thousands of potential kick ass dodge ball players all waiting around for that someone to tell them “okay kids, now we’re all going to totally LOVE this product right?” and every single of of us nodding our heads in agreement without even knowing what we’re agreeing too (knowing full well if we don’t we’re not getting picked). I am an individual. I see over and over again people losing the “self” in the process of trying to be with the “popular” kid. Blindly endorsing whatever is being thrown at them and not asking the questions that need to be asked. I understand the desire reap the benefits of what I’ve worked so hard to achieve. I would be lying if I said I didn’t care about my story reaching the masses. I want people to recognize me. I want magazines and news channels to share my story. I want the fitness industry to think about me when it comes to sharing their product via sponsorship, ambassadorship, or say “hey Tara, want to review our product”… But I also cherish my integrity. I cherish my thought process. I cherish my commitment to the self. So why don’t I just leave? In the beginning I was jealous of those that were being invited and now I find myself jealous of those that are leaving on their own accord. But I can’t bring myself to write that letter of “thanks but no thanks”. I don’t agree with the message that is Fitfluential any longer. Yes, there are individuals within the concept that I still adore and admire beyond comprehension. But in all honesty I adore them because they are unapologetically themselves and Fitfluential needs them more than they need Fitfluential. Still I can’t leave. I’m still that kid waiting to be picked for the dodge ball game (but really looking at the monkey bars). I’m still that kid wanting the recognition of the captain (but really wishing a few of us would just start our own game). Maybe this post is a passive aggressive wish that instead of me saying “Thanks but no thanks”, they in fact would say “Thanks but no thanks”…It’s like not wanting to break up with someone because you’re afraid of being alone but you secretly wish they would break up with you because being alone is better than the current situation. Why am I talking about this now? The big “thing” right now is all this talk of Diet To Go (and I hated adding this as a link because I DON’T ENDORSE THIS ONE BIT). In an attempt to drum up business they’ve “partnered” with Fitfluential and it is all the rage amongst the “pick me pick me” group of players. Touting it as healthy and easy and so delicious… Just search the hashtag #diettogo / #mydiettogo to see for yourself. I’ll wait. It is no surprise that 99% of the “Oh Wow, this food is so delicious” and “look at my pretty picture of my tasty meal” (in this convenient plastic container) tweets are coming from (pick me pick me) those desperate dodge ball players. I try not to be angry over this campaign because I understand the need to jump through the hoops to be noticed and I’ve been involved in some really awesome campaigns myself with whole30 and UnderArmour but this campaign has me boiling over. Just to add spit to the fire I decided to really check out the website to see if maybe I was missing something. The pictures being posted looked anything but delicious. The “contains soy” in a chicken dinner left a bad taste in my mouth as people proclaim the food healthy. The “I just ate dinner and it was only 200 calories” makes me cringe at how we are influencing the people desperately trying to make choices that lead them in the direction in which they so desire… But I wanted to make sure I gave this campaign a fair peruse. I filled out the information on the “how it works page”
I hit enter and am sent the following email:
 1200 calories?
Is this a joke? “Congratulations on taking the first step to reaching a healthy BMI”…I already am at a healthy BMI and I indicated that I am actually trying to maintain/gain. It clearly states that my “Daily Energy Expenditure” is 2500 (to maintain my weight with my activity level) and yet the company (that many people are turning too for weight loss advice) is advising that I eat 1200 calories (not net calories mind you) but in total… As a weight loss story already made and always being told to anyone that looks to me for advice I have a responsibility. As part of a bigger group of fitness bloggers we, as a whole, have a responsibility. I understand the idea of getting compensated for a campaign. That’s what Fitfluential is there for; helping businesses profit but let’s be honest about the product being offered instead of just nodding our heads and trying to please the captain… 1200 calories is NOT appropriate. Thankfully I know this. One of the most important things about this journey of Life Changes is educating myself. The more I know, the more I am in control. The more I am in control, the more I am successful. I also understand the need for convenience. Mimi and I shop at Costco to buy meats/veggies/fruits/toilet paper in gross quantities because we have to sustain ourselves on one income. But you won’t find a box or packaged meal in our carts because while we need the convenience we believe in eating real foods (even if they come in a gross quantity). The point of this blog post is to just put out there, that large masses of people moving in a particular direction doesn’t mean it’s the appropriate direction. This particular website is encouraging extreme “Calorie Restriction” not “Calorie Deficiency”. I don’t believe in calorie restriction at all and in fact part of my coaching/advising/sharing is to eat to fuel your body appropriately. For many people just starting out on their Own Life Changing Journey they’re going to follow the masses instead of slowing down and paying attention to what their bodies want ( real food). They’re going to pull out their wallets and buy into this notion that it’s better to buy pre-packaged meals full of frankenfood instead of trusting that they deserve to create truly mindful / healthful meals in their own kitchen. I want to leave you with one last idea. Earlier today I was tagged in a Facebook status from my friend Karen Anderson with a link to the video below. Take a few minutes (it’s about 10 minutes in length) to really watch it. Pay close attention to how she describes her students and the process by which their relationship with the food cultivated. Our Life Changing Journeys happen in almost the exact same way. It starts chaotically trying to be every where at once and then slowly but surely when you are present everything around you changes… Life Changes. Update: A few hours after writing this post I had a long talk with Mimi and we have both respectfully resigned from Fitfluential. We appreciate the support shown from this post (as with every post).
It’s something I look forward too. I allow those emotions to flow no matter where I’m at (the gym, outside, running a race). Many times a particular song will play and the message that I’m receiving as my heart is beating fast, the sweat is falling off my face and my muscles are begging me to slow down… One of those songs is Pink’s newest song “Try”. While the message for the masses is about the ending of a relationship with another person and moving on despite the pain that is felt the words go much deeper for me. It’s about ending the relationship with self of old and moving on… When you look in the mirror and find a morbidly obese person looking back at you, begging for any kind of change to happen to get out of the darkness that has become your life, you feel like a failure first and foremost…I can’t begin to tell you how many times I stood naked in front of whatever mirror was in my bathroom and wondered “how in the world did I get here?“. I looked at my thighs that touched from top to bottom and contemplated when I would need to buy another pair of pants because the thighs in my other pants were rubbing thin. I wondered if I would sweat profusely under my skirt because unbeknownst to the rest of the world I was wearing cut off long johns underneath to prevent chaffing in the middle of a heat wave. I would look at my belly hanging over, pinching the flap and wonder if I had enough diaper cream to rub between the skin of my pubic area and the underneath of my belly because it was raw from the sweat that would collect. But even with all the anger and frustration of looking at my body… I was so very afraid to try and change the way I was living. “Where there is desire I had the desire. I saw it in my eyes as I looked at my body that I allowed to grow into morbid obesity. The begging to move. The stirring of “maybe I could”. As I began to make even the smallest of changes they felt earth shattering; life shifting. It was painful. Emotionally and physically. I didn’t shoot out the proverbial gate like a race horse and take off on this journey. I cried. I resisted. I thought about giving up and returning to a life of emptiness. Almost on a daily basis. It was frustrating counting calories and stopping when I had reached the end of my allotted calories and despite not being hungry wanting to shove anything within reach into my piehole. Having to learn new behaviors. Understanding that a serving wasn’t what I could fit into a bowl but that there was actual measurements to follow. It was down right humbling when I began to add movement to my weight loss and cried because a 3 minute run felt like it was going to kill me while at the same time one of the most exuberant moments of my life. In was in the physical movement I began to understand about my emotions. My fear of change. My fear of going beyond what I know to be comfortable and blindly moving toward something I desired more than anything I’ve every wanted in my whole life. Every day I questioned myself and the deep rooted belief that I wasn’t worth saving. “Ever worried that it might be ruined As the days (weeks and months) passed, I waited for the ball to drop. I waited for myself to give up. To throw in the towel and go back to what I knew to be true; that the deep rooted belief that I wasn’t worth saving would knock me down and I would never get back up again… but each time I knock I I burn But I I push my body something fierce some days. Maybe it’s about proving a point. To show the world (or anyone that cares to listen) that you can indeed change everything you know to be true about who you see in the mirror. Maybe it’s about proving to the Self of Old that even if it took 40 years to unlock the potential that is the Self of New, the deep rooted belief that I wasn’t worth saving was and continues to be a lie. Most of the time it’s because I’m trying to evoke emotions as the music tells me what I know to be true: You just got to get up and try.
The holidays are coming to an end. And by end I mean I am coming out of a cloudy fog that was shrouded by chocolates, gum drop cakes and just about anything else within a hand’s reach (and by reach I mean insert into mouth and repeat). Over the last few weeks I’ve started reading a book that I think is pretty hot on the market right now; It Starts With Food (Hartwig). It’s no secret that I follow (and by follow I mean I try to follow to the best of my ability) a Paleo foundation for eating. The book was sent by the publisher for Mimi and I to review. I can’t read too many pages at a time because a) it’s a lot of info to take in and b) it makes me really pissed off at the food industry. You don’t have to convince me why eating Paleo is good for me (and because I’m biased on how it makes me feel I’ll venture to say good for many others as well) so reading the book isn’t about trying to convert me (as I’m already a convert). For me, it’s about really understanding why eating Paleo makes me feel a crap-ton better than eating a Standard American Diet (I guess now that I live in Canada I should replace American with Canadian but come on S.A.D. makes more of an impact than S.C.D). The book goes into detail about how the food industry has basically paid gazillions (my words not theirs) of dollars to figure out how to make me addicted to particular foods on a cellular level. I won’t lie, I’m not the smartest cookie in a the bunch so I have to take things a little more slowly when it comes to understanding the cellular level of food digestion and what precisely happens when I eat something but the book is doing a pretty good job of helping me understand and over the holiday season I’ve been somewhat hyper sensitive to what is happening to me emotionally when I veer off the Paleo highway of food consumption. It’s not pretty. And as the book points out in the very beginning: “Food is either Helping you or Hurting you” There is no neutral food. If I’m taking anything away from the book as I try to understand the information in each page, it’s that food is truly either helping you (and helping is as individually defined as the people who read the book) or hurting you (again individually defined). I know how foods hinder me physically (inflammation) but to understand what I know (that it hinders me emotionally as well) on a more complex level (why it hinders me emotionally on a cellular level) has been an extremely powerful tool in my commitment to move forward on this journey of Life Changes. As I write this blog post today I’m reminded that exactly three years ago I was sitting in a cubicle topping the scales at 270 pounds. My life was defined by the thousands of hours sitting in front of my laptop playing World of Warcraft, living in a false reality because I was too afraid to be a part of my true reality. Exactly three years ago I made one simple choice to do something different and that small decision was the first step in changing everything I thought I knew to be true about who I saw when I looked in the mirror. As I left the old self behind in pursuit of the new self that I deserved to seek, to find, to chase, to dream, to accomplish, I kept the World of Warcraft authenticator as a reminder of who I didn’t want to be and as a reminder that I didn’t need to rely on the strength of a made up character; that I could lose the weight. That I could once and for all leave morbid obesity behind me. That I could be strong. Fast. Conscious. In 2011, to set a goal I hit the authenticator and was given the random number 201421. I set the physical goal of climbing stairs (approx 13,500 floors). I didn’t make the goal (not for lack of trying) but I came pretty damn close.
I still carry the authenticator on my key chain. Even though it’s been three years since I played WoW, I haven’t forgotten how it affected my life (and by life I mean my lack of living in the present). I pressed that little black button again to set up a fitness goal specifically to remind the self of new who I am when I look in the mirror. 432,242 (in feet) equals approx 81 miles. I’ve decided that this is how many miles I will swim over the course of 2013 (and the few days left of 2012). Five thousand seven hundred and two lengths of a standard Olympic size pool (75 meters). I picked swimming because it will coincide with Half Iron Man training during the first half of the year (two birds, one stone) and because swimming is something I love to do (and if you’re going to move for 81 miles it should be something you love to do).
As my physical goals start to solidify for 2013, having a better understanding of how food affects me on a cellular level is also going to help me. Whether you’re thinking about eating Paleo, or just want to understand why the food industry is banking on our food addictions (and not just to sweets my friends), think about picking up a copy of “It Starts With Food” (and by picking up I mean buy it in the store, borrow it from a friend or request it from the library). Arm yourself for the coming year. Both in the physical sense and the emotional. It’s going to be pretty effing fantastic!
In an instant we were witnesses to just how sad the world can be. We turned to our loved ones and asked “how can someone do this?” Our thoughts are heavy as we wonder “what if that happened to us?” “How could we function?” “What are they going through”? “What can I do to ease the pain”? Do this: Love each other without judgement. In that one act of violence comes the overwhelming need to feel love and compassion for those around us. Don’t let that love waver. Don’t let it falter. Don’t let time erase what we want more than anything in the world; to feel like we matter. Don’t judge your worth by the presents you’re putting under the tree but rather by the love you give unconditionally. Don’t judge your worth by the never ending holiday parties you attend, but rather by the friendships you cultivate with a simple “hey how about a cup of coffee together”. If you have teachable moments: teach. We’re all caring, loving , smart people that have a lot to offer to the littlest of two-leggers just learning about the world in which they live. Never forget that they too are full of their own teachable moments… Hug often. Stop and look around. Climb everything. Get muddy. Hold hands. This is my second Christmas here in Halifax. This time last year I thought for sure I would have my permanent residency card and that I’d be working. I daydreamed about the gifts I’d be able to buy for family here and the gifts I’d be able to send back home. This past year has been one long teachable moment for me. Instead of the most expensive gift I can think of, I’m pouring my heart into making gifts with my hands. I try to tell myself that they are just as wonderful as anything I could buy in a store. The hours I spent thinking about each person as I crafted chocolates, almond butter, magnets are more important than the hours I would have spent being cranky in lines much too long, in stores much too crowded. This year I’ll be able to finally facetime with my beautiful niece (thanks to a much needed upgrade on her phone) on Christmas morning. I know I’ll cry because I miss her so much but in those tears will be love that she’ll feel from far away and that’s the best gift I could give her. Waking up with Mimi by my side on our second Christmas together will bring a peace to my soul that I’ve long searched for. Being with her family that is now my family will bring an acceptance that I’m grateful for each and every day. I try not to sum up my worth in the gifts that I can’t buy but rather in the love that I give freely to them, to my friends and to the person next to me as I wish them a heart felt “Merry Christmas”. In a time of much sadness, I remember my world is filled with much love. I will revel in it and hope that it will reach far and beyond. (to you)
 wolfc-stock.deviantart.com National blogging day of silence. Countless bloggers will sit down at their laptops and either a) post a picture stating they are participating or b) post a blog. As I saw the beginnings of the conversation about who will be participating and who will not I immediately began to get angry. I understand the need to feel we’re taking action and showing respect by taking words down off our blogs. I understand the heavy hearted feelings as we wake up this Monday morning and try to find some sense in another senseless act of violence. I understand the extra lingering pause at the front of a school yard as we listen to the laughter of those that are still innocent enough not to realize how sad the world can be at times. I don’t have kids so I can’t even try to begin to understand what it would feel like to watch my own children sleep in their beds as I whispered an intimate “thank you” to whatever belief I held in my heart. I don’t want to come off as insensitive. But will the proverbial you also have a day of blogging silence for those that are suffering today? Tomorrow? Next week? We are compelled to stop and remember because the act in and of itself was so heinous the media deemed it newsworthy. But will you stop and remember all the other heinous acts that are occurring at the very moment you are reading this blog? At the very moment you are writing your next blog? Will you stop and remember the people who will never make it into the news because their senseless death wasn’t sensational enough to even bother with? As those candles being lit for the vigils around the country in memory of what happened this weekend go out, will you light another candle for the homeless person who is dying alone in the streets? Will you light one in memory of the small child that died in the arms of a mother whose only wish every morning is that there will be another tomorrow…another hour…another minute…another second. Will you light one for those that die in the line of any kind of duty but their names are never mentioned? Will you light one for the aging woman with Alzheimer’s who’s family is surrounding her silently wishing for her (their) suffering to end. Participating in the national day of blogging silence means you are aware of your surroundings. But will the proverbial you continue to be aware? I choose to do this blog post for many reasons. I have friends that are directly affected by what has happened. Living in the small town that will never be the same again. I am indirectly affected because everywhere I turn I am reminded how sad this place can be some days. I choose to blog today because even in my anger at what I don’t understand I find the much needed comfort when I open my laptop, take a deep breath and lay my heart out for my small and insignificant world to see. I am insignificant. We are insignificant. Until the media deems us important. Instead of being silent I will allow my emotions to be held out in my hands in hope that someone will stand next to me and also hold out their hands. I will not be silenced today because it is through this blog that I’ve learned to live, to love and to laugh. To be compassionate. To be patient. To understand myself. To understand you. When I close this laptop the events of this past weekend will not have any less meaning because I choose to not participate in this 24 hour moratorium of silence. For me the events of this weekend will have more meaning as I engage people with a heartfelt “Merry Christmas”. As I open the door for someone and smile as they walk past me. As I look into the eyes of my beautiful wife and whisper “I love you” as we hug tight in the middle of the kitchen trying to find comfort and understanding in a world of chaos and confusion. For the rest of my life there will be things that are never forgotten because the media has done it’s job by sensationalizing those events that draw the ratings. This is one of them. I don’t have a choice but to remember. May I never forget the suffering of those that I will never know even happened.
I felt bad for starting this post. I feel like there should be some sort of moratorium on blogging what now feels so insignificant as I forcibly block all social media regarding the recent events in Connecticut. Is it appropriate for me to blog about something I’m really excited about when there is an apparent heavy heartedness to everything related to social media? Will I be thought of as insensitive? See the problem is I’m overly sensitive. I don’t own a television. Not because I’m trying to limit my sitting on the couch time channel surfing when I could be out running but because I’m not allowed (self restricted) to watch the news. I don’t read the newspapers. Not because I don’t care about current events or whose running for the next election but because I can’t read about all the violence taking place around the world and in my own backyard. I cringe every time a plane flies overhead (especially when walking around an area with tall buildings). If I see an image of something that is particularly upsetting it is burned into my brain and I lay awake afraid to go to sleep. I experience anxiety for leaving food on my plate. You can’t even begin to imagine the anxiety I feel when I’m plugged into what’s happening in the world. The thing is I feel like I have to explain my reasons for going ahead with this post. Like it’s going to make me feel better about myself if I tell you how I need to be sheltered from things. People think it’s “cute” that I have an affinity for unicorns and sweet merry christmas santa reindeer elves with light up noses or that I sleep with a soft transformer blanket under the comforter. The thing about having all those “cute” things a part of my life is they keep me from freaking out multiple times a day because the world scares me. So today I write not about the events of the world. I write about the events of me. —————————————————————————————————————- A while back I was contacted (as were many other fitness bloggers) by Sport Chek to participate in their “Your Better Starts Here” campaign. They sent out a list of questions asking about our fitness journeys. While the questions themselves were of a general nature, the answers they received were specific to each person they asked to participate. Here are my responses to the questions sent.
I am always working towards something physical. Whether it is trying to lift heavier weights or run farther, I am always trying to push the boundaries of what I think I can’t do. At the current moment I am training for my 2nd marathon (the 1st was this past May) which is set to take place mid September. I will also be running either 2 more marathons this year or going for ultra Marathon status in mid October. I am still undecided but you can bet I’ll keep pushing for something. In 2013 I will begin training for my first Half Ironman as well as continue to run any race I can get my hands on. My goal? My ultimate goal is to maintain the 110+ pound weight loss when the odds are against me….oh and complete a full Iron Man!
The biggest challenge I face day to day is being motivated (and determined) to keep at it. The journey to losing so much weight came with its “voices” and sometimes those voices can be a little hard to ignore. The ones that say skip the run or go ahead and eat all that unhealthy food. The voices that say sleep in a little longer, run later or just take a few days off. Also food can be a big challenge for me. Making sure I eat enough when I run for 25-35k to replenish calories lost and not using the “well I did run for 3 hours so it’s okay if I eat this entire chocolate cake” excuse.
Wow, there are so many things I could say here. I am most proud of two things: my determination to change my life emotionally, mentally and psychically and the very first time I ran for three minutes straight. I cried for nearly an hour after I ran my first three minutes non stop. I couldn’t believe I had done it and I felt like a runner for the first time.
At the current moment I think my routine is pretty good. I do a cross training class M/W/F at 6a and usually walk a few miles to keep legs stretched. On T/Th I run approx 10k and then either Sat or Sun do long run depending on marathon training. As of this email I am running 26k tomorrow morning. If I were to pin point anything missing it would be things like proper gear for running. Long runs require proper fueling and right now my set up is pretty “ghetto” but it works.
A platform in which to reach people. People ask me what my dream is and it’s to be bigger than Oprah. To run with people. To high five the hell out of them as they cross finish lines. To be honest with people about this journey of weight loss and life changes. To hold the hand of someone who thinks they can’t and look them in the eye and tell them I’m going to prove them wrong. Getting my story out to anyone who will listen…oh and being sponsored for races/conferences so that I can network with other like minded people.
I’m a slap on the back “nice job” kind of person. I appreciate heart to heart advice when things are hard and a good dose of “go out there and kick ass and take names” when I think I can’t do something. I wear a RoadID band constantly with the acronym WWOPD: what would Optimus Prime do? When people come to me for support I am of the frame of mind that every person had the determination and fight to move forward but sometimes you need that person in your corner to remind you that you are worth the fight. I am that person in the corner
Not too long after my initial contact I was sent an “inspiration kit” filled with some pretty cool stuff.
Also inside was a small bracelet with “3 minutes at a time” inscribe on it. Not going to lie, I totally cried when I saw it just because I felt like Sport Chek really listened to what I said and didn’t just browse over my answers. As other bloggers began to write about their own inspiration kits I looked for that one special gift that told us we mattered to them. I was also encouraged to take anything that didn’t fit my needs to their closest location and find that perfect match which meant I could take the Nike running shoes and exchange them for my one true love; a pair of Sauconys. Okay Tara, but what’s the point of this blog for pete’s sake? Two weeks ago Sports Check invited Mimi and I back to the nearest location for a one-on-one appointment to learn about ski and snowboarding equipment. Knowing full well neither of us have any experience in the “what the hell are these long boards strapped to my feet” department, it didn’t matter to them. They wanted us to participate and because I believe that they see me as an individual on a journey to be better, I went.     For over an hour Mike Risk the store manager and skier extraordinaire took us through the ins and outs of how to find the right equipment to get out on the slopes. Will I ever actually do it? I have no idea. It scares the baby bejesus right out of me. But I know where I’m going if I ever decide to get out there. For participating they sent us home with a pair of sweet Oakley goggles that while I may not ever get over my fear enough to use, you may see me on the streets of Halifax wearing them while I’m running.
Don’t believe me? But Tara is there a point to this post? OH HELL YES THERE IS! You see this is where it gets really cool. Besides the most awesome gift cards they sent for us to treat ourselves in making our fitness goals obtainable, they also sent each of us a gift card to give away to help someone else make their fitness journey’s obtainable… $100. Let me say that again. ONE HUNDRED FREAKING DOLLARS WORTH! The only catch (and for the first time I actually had to do this) is that it’s limited to my Canadian Friends and my American Friends that live close to the border because Sport Chek is a Canadian franchise. I’m not sure how many people will actually enter because the majority of my readers are from the lower 48 but man am I excited that someone is going to get a little extra love in their Christmas stocking. You can enter as many times as you’d like (in fact I’d tweet the hell out of this everyday for the next 10 days if you can) because as the old saying goes; THE MORE THE MERRIER!!  http://blog.art21.org/2012/11/21/spotlight-conversations/ The holidays are in full swing around these parts. This weekend was my birthday and I’m feeling a little overwhelmed by all the attention I’ve been receiving as of late. To know me is to know I have a hard time being in any kind of “spot light”. I spent my whole life hiding behind the morbid obesity because I felt like I didn’t deserve to be loved and appreciated, that I was never good enough or important enough and that ultimately the way I felt about myself when I looked in the mirror was the way everyone felt about me. I’ve come a long way in allowing some light to shine on me over the last couple of years. I still shy away from compliments. I often wonder why people want to spend time with me. I deflect the accolades of weight loss with “yes but so and so has lost more than me”. Magazine articles are written about my journey and I stare at the full page pictures wondering “why me”. Birthdays are even harder now because my life is full of people who love and care about me. Some I’ve met and forged a close friendship. Some I know only through social media. As my Facebook page literally blows up with Happy Birthday wishes and videos, I find myself wanting to shy away from the attention because I still haven’t quite mastered the whole “let that light shine down on me” idea. The whole “people love me for me” idea. “I matter” idea. “I’m important” idea. As my ventures into coaching begin to solidify and I begin seeing more people wanting to get on or stay on their own journey of life changes, those ideas are even harder to hold on too. Not because I shouldn’t be following this dream of mine to build that army of people who stand up and take control for once in their life but because of my own past history with the relationship of self. I have a lot to offer the world. I have an innate ability to understand the struggles of others by sharing my own struggles. I believe in people beyond a shadow of a doubt that weight loss, both on a physical level and emotional level, is absolutely achievable. And yet when I look in the mirror I continually question this path I’m on. I have my own struggles on a daily basis. Count calories. Don’t count calories. Go for run. Let another day go by without breaking a sweat. Eat paleo. Stuff my face with breads and chocolates. Like the way I look in the mirror. Can’t stand being in the same room with myself. Flex those blazing guns called biceps. Pinch and pull at excess skin… This is a journey. One that is never over. One that is continually fought even on the days where giving up seems like the only option. The direction of my journey is mine to control. That is the most important message I try to convey with people when we spend time together contemplating that in which we are trying to change. I control the direction of my journey. If I am moving forward it is because of the choices and decisions I am making. If I am moving backwards into old patterns and behaviors again it is because of the choices and decisions I am making. Not you. Not some stranger on the streets. Me. Your journey = your choices. This has been a week of “what the hell am I trying to accomplish” in my own body and mind. Wondering about food foundations and calorie counting. Wanting to “relax” around the holidays with the assumption that it’s “back to business as usual” once Jolly Old Saint Nick packs up his red bag for another year but fearful that getting back to business may not come as easily as it did before. The only thing I know for certain is that no matter how “out of control” I might feel, I am still very much “in control” as long as I stay present with myself. As long as every choice is done is full conscious and commitment there is no backward movement. My body will tell me when it’s time to change the direction in which I’m traveling. My heart will make sure I follow through. ________________________________________________________________________________________ As promised by the title of the blog post there is a Tommie Copper winner for the compression tights. In total there were 62 entries and I used Random.org to select the winner…
Thea over at Its Me Vs. Me is the lucky winner. (karma is awesome)
“Once again Mamavation has had the honor to put out the Top 50 Most Influential Healthy Tweeps. This list is different than before. This year all decisions were handled in a panel with Mamavation Leadership members and Diets In Review. Thank you to everyone who nominated their favorites. We split the list in 5 parts: Fitness, Food, Weight Loss, Inspiration & Activism. I never thought I’d end up on that list. I’m just a person who back at the end of 2009 decided that being morbidly obese and living in an isolated shell of a body was no longer an option. Deep down inside I knew there was more. I felt it in my heart. I could do more. I didn’t have to settle for weighing 270 pounds and playing World of Warcraft for upwards to 8 hours a day. I didn’t have to accept that I would rather eat a pint of ice cream, a bag of chips and channel surf than get up and move like my life depended on it. I didn’t have to hang my head in self shame as I looked in the mirror and felt the stirring of “don’t be afraid to take control Tara” while I let the screams of “You’re a failure and you can’t now and never will” drown me out over and over again. I drew a line. Enough was enough. I lost the weight. I ended my marriage to Mitch. I gave up everything I’d ever known to be safe to tread into uncharted waters of what has now become something most people can’t even begin to imagine. Morbidly obese to athlete. Out of breath walker to multiple marathoner. Girl to mostly Boy. Dead to absolute Alive. Undeserving of Love to understanding I AM LOVED. In the process I began a blog and twitter account. I was thrilled the first time I got 100 hits in a month and when my follower count went from single to double digits. I fear of “no one would understand” began to fade as people reached out with “thank you for sharing” and “I felt all alone until I read your blog“. On days it was difficult to hit publish, my final thought always turned to “if I’m feeling this then so is someone else” and I’ve never been proven wrong. To Inspire. To Encourage. To Move Forward So That Others May Follow To Move Forward To Encourage. To Inspire. I’m humbled by this list. I lay my head in my hands and wonder “why me”? I let the tears fall as my thoughts turn to people who are far more deserving. I fight the urge to berate myself as a hypocrite as my struggles to move forward are still as difficult today as they were back at the beginning of this journey. Struggles of gender, of self love and acceptance, of maintaining this body that still feels morbidly obese some days, of questioning the notion of “I can’t” with “I would rather fail a million times knowing I tried than die giving up on myself”. I love you. In times when you feel like no one believes in you; I believe. In times when you feel like you’re a failure; I only see success. In times when you think no one understands; I have a shoulder for you to lean on. In times when you just think you can’t; I’m here to prove you wrong. I love me. Back in 2009 I drew a line. On one side was a life filled with depression and feeling undeserving of taking control and moving forward. A life becoming more filled with doubt and self hatred as I filled out clothing that read “size 24” and xxl. On the other side: Me. Waiting for my old self to just take that one small step to the other side. It’s beautiful here. I will never go back. Life will never be the way it was. I know this to be the truth. I will die fighting. For me. For you.
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Fitbloggin.
Have you ever wanted to sit down at your laptop and blog for hours and hours on end?
When I move physically it can sometimes invoke quite an emotional response. Anything from “holy shit did you just see what I did there?” to “Why the hell is this sucking the very soul out of my body?”. I’ve experienced every emotion you can think of from pure elation to pure anger.
(insert deep breath)
Life can be sad.
