Oh if only it were as easy as saying “Be confident” and having it happen.
Tomorrow is kind of a big deal around these parts and I’m trying very hard to not freak myself out. It’s interview day. I’ve not spoken too much about it because I’m the kind of person that likes to keep some things on the quiet side so as not to bring too much attention to myself. This is one of those times. I’ve been in Halifax close to a year now. Hard to believe this time next week (but last year) everything Meegan and I had planned for a “smooth” transition from Washington State to Nova Scotia would come to screeching halt and I’d be hopping planes for 24 hours to get here as soon as humanly possible.
It’s been a year and that means a year of not working. Not because I don’t want too but because legally I couldn’t. I’ve spent a lot of time having to learn the value of myself because I couldn’t rely on my ability to work to define who I was.
I had to learn that my ability to take care of Meegan by keeping the house organized, cooking healthy meals and spending a lot of time training for races that not only occupied my time but also occupied my heart as I chased after medals I never thought possible, was as valid as if I had been going to a 9 to 5 job and earning a paycheck.
I’ve been asked to interview for an interpreting job at one of the universities and it’s as if the job was written for me. The university knows that I’m not employable at the moment and if they want me they can help me get a work visa (and probably expedite the process).
Now that I’ve spent the last year being comfortable as a “Stay at home Tara”, I’m nervous about getting back into the work force. I’m already wondering about how I’m going to cook meals, keep the house clean, spend time with Meegan, work out and train for races/triathlon.
Most importantly can I be confident in my skills as I try to reenter the work force?
I’m not really sure where this post is going or what message I’m trying to convey. I feel guilty because we had to spend extra money on new clothes (but man do I look sharp). I’m scared that I’m going to walk in to the interview and they’ll decide I’m not a good match for what their looking for. I’m scared that I’ll be exactly what they’re looking for and before I know it I’ll be back to earning a paycheck.
So tomorrow is the big day. Clothes are pressed and ready like it’s the first day of school. I’ve got a fresh new haircut and I’m splurging by opening up a new pair of contacts. I’m not going in with any expectations. I’m just going in with the confidence that I’m good at what I do (both at home and at work) and that the universe (or baby jesus, or a beautiful unicorn) is providing me the right opportunity at the perfect time.
I’m not one to really jump on someone else’s bandwagon.
But this particular bandwagon is too damn good to pass up and it speaks volumes on how I feel about the fast food industry. You’ll hear me say it over and over again: The fast food industry doesn’t give a rat’s ass about you nor me as a human being. When they see us, they only see a dollar $ign. The industry is lining their pockets with our dollars while they are lining our precious veins with nothing even remotely close to real food. Their pockets are getting fatter while our bodies are doing the same.
Seems a group of high school students in Toronto are feeling the same way and they are spreading the message that “Fast food isn’t real food” and asking students near and far to boycott any and all fast food for the entire month of November.
This is the manifesto from their website.
“Fast food isn’t real food. It was designed by food chemists in white lab coats. Sure, sometimes it tastes good, but that is their trick. If you put enough salt, sugar and fat in anything it will taste good. Fast food companies are getting rich feeding us garbage. And it’s making us fat and sick. This November, let’s go fast food free and stick it to fast food. We Deserve Better.”
Fucking brilliant. Seriously. I can’t even begin to tell you how I hope this campaign grows into astronomical proportions and reaches every corner of every state/province. Beyond that really. Anywhere the fast food industry has set up shop this campaign should be right on their heels telling those money hungry imbeciles that kids these days are listening, learning and making decisions about the health of their generation because it’s obvious no one else is going to care about them.
People think moderation is the key when it comes to fast food. No it’s not. There is no such thing as moderation when your food comes laden with salty, fat in a tiny paper bag with taglines such as:
(Arby’s) “Now that you’re tastes have grown up”
(KFC) “Life tastes better with KFC”
(Dunkin Donuts) “America runs on Dunkins”
(Carl Jr’s) “Making people happy through food”
(Taco Bell) “Fourth Meal”
Take a look at those numbers. McDonald’s isn’t trying to hide any information from you. The nutritional calculator is right there for you to see that a typical meal is over 1000 calories, has 86% of your daily fat intake and is through the freaking roof on the sodium. You know why they put that calculator there? So that they can use the argument “See, consumers know what they’re buying when they come into FatDonald’s“, knowing full well that most of our population is addicted to that crap and the last thing they are doing is checking how it stacks up to a healthier alternative.
I’m on my podium on this one people because a typical meal for me when I would walk into a McDonald’s (all the freaking time) was 2 cheeseburgers, large (actually super-size but apparently you can’t buy that anymore) fries and large diet coke. The damage?
They don’t fucking care about you.
The fast food industry is doing everything to make you “think” that the food is okay to eat. But here’s the problem: WE’RE NOT THINKING!! We’re just believing what we want to hear because what we don’t want to hear is that the fast food industry is killing us and couldn’t give two craps about it.
Now before you get all crazy on me, let me make one thing clear. I understand when you really have exhausted all outlets for food and the only thing left is the drive thru. It happens. It happens to Meegan and I but on extremely rare occasions. We’ve had to turn to some form of fast food because we’ve been driving all day and there is no grocery store/restaurant near by. Over the last 3 years, on this Life Changing Journey, I’ve been to Dunkin Donuts once, Subway a handful of times and indulged in a Starbucks Pumpkin Scone at least a couple of times. So I point the finger at myself too. I’m just as susceptible when it comes to the convenience and ease of pointing and saying “I’ll take it to go please”
Yes, it’s convenient. Yes, it’s easier than spending time in your kitchen. Yes, there is an abundance of choices. Yes, you don’t have to think about anything except whether to add a side of Angry Poutine with your Triple Whopper with Cheese . But let’s get real people if you don’t have time to think about the food going into your body then there is something seriously wrong with how you are living your life.
There was something SERIOUSLY wrong with the way I was living my life.
I was addicted to the golden arches. I was addicted to the Jack that lived in that damn box. I was addicted to the drive thru, the isolated eating, the hiding of the evidence, the secret of knowing that when I sat down to dinner I had already consumed the “fourth meal” in between meal number two and meal number three. Never once, when my morbidly obese fingers grabbed that paper bag through the little window, did anyone think to ask; Do you know what you’re doing to your body?
The kids behind the “Stick it to Fast Food” campaign are on to something. That something might not seem so big now but it has the potential of doing something major…
It has the potential to save lives.
Think about putting the banner on your own blog. Think about pledging to boycott fast food for the month of November. Think about encouraging your kids to boycott then take a plan of action. Send the SITFF link to anyone you can think of. Facebook the hell out of it. Twitter the mother loving crap out of it (hashtag #stickit). Whatever you do, just take a moment to THINK about how much the fast food industry doesn’t care about you…
For my Deaf friends: I wanted to write a blog post but it was too emotional. This is a video talking about being in Canadian Running for the Nov/Dec issue. I wanted to do an ASL version but it wasn’t going to capture the emotions the second time around. I went back, listened to the video and transcribed it as much as possible…
“I thought about how I was going to do this next blog post because it’s kind of emotional. I’m not sure how to explain it. A while back I had been talking about something BIG that was coming (and it was not the venture into Life Coaching) it was something else. It’s happened and I know I need to blog about but it’s really emotional and I’m probably going to cry…
So…
I mentioned it before but I’m in this magazine. Canadian Running. One of the largest magazines in all of Canada (not just here in Halifax) but the entire country lol. What started out as something small turned into something big and I’m humbled, excited and have a lot of emotions (cause you can see that I’m crying).
I was in a local newspaper here about running and weight loss. That article caught the eye of a writer for Canadian Running and I thought it would just be something small about high interval training. But naturally they ask where I’m from (Seattle) and then the natural question that follows is how did you end up in Halifax and then you’re telling them about falling in love. The story got more complex and I was having a few hours of interviews with Lindsey Craig. They asked for pictures, we got nervous. We didn’t know what it was going to look like until we had it in our hands.
(I’m showing you the pictures now)
It’s hard for me to look at the pictures.
I’ve only looked at it a couple of times.
(Full page)
(Explaining the pictures)
6 pages! You try to be excited but it brought up feelings of not deserving it, I’m never going to be good enough, what if I don’t do other things? I wanted to write the blog post but I kept crying and jumbling my words. It’s awesome but also very intimidating...”
You don’t have to spend much time with me to know that I have a special place in my heart for running. I think about it almost all the time. I think about being outside. I think about the other people doing the same thing as we run past each other in opposite directions and wonder what they’re life journey looks like. When I am not running and I see someone who is, you can almost always hear me send up a little cheer in the form of “Run it out” or “Get after it”…
I’ll be the first to tell you:
Running literally saved my life.
When I started losing weight and needing to move my body more, I choose to do what many people do and worked out at home. I was too embarrassed to go to a gym and running was not even a thought in my head. I stepped on and off that damn wii board for hours upon hours and when that got to be easy I turned to the streets and walked my dogs for long periods of time.
I often tell the story about how one morning back in late January of 2010, while walking my dogs, I ran half a block just to see if I could and then promptly threw up in some stranger’s yard because I had pushed too much, too fast.
A few days later I began the couch to 5k program and have never looked back.
Two and a half years later I’ve turned that 1/2 block run into three marathons over a five month period. I’ve turned that “I can’t run for 30 seconds without throwing up” into “I can run for hours and hours (and hours) and do it with a smile on my face”. I turned that “I will never run a 5k, 10k, sprint triathlon, half marathon, 187 mile relay raceolympic triathlon, marathon…” into “Let’s see what I can do next (Half Iron Man, Ultra…)“
Over the last two and half years I’ve let go of a lot of things having to do with running. I will never win a race. I will never qualify for the Boston Marathon. I will never win in my age group. I had to let go of worrying about time and grasp on to the fact that running has given me something I spent many years thinking I didn’t deserve:
Life.
If you know me then you know that I will stop and take pictures when I run because it allows me to get out of my head and remain present in my environment. It forces me to focus on what I’m seeing around me instead of focusing on *that* voice that so many of us hear as we run…
I thought about what kind of recap I wanted to do for this third and final marathon for 2012. Did I want to write about how this was physically the toughest of the three and yet I managed to finish five minutes faster than the 2nd marathon three weeks previous and almost eighteen minutes faster than the first marathon five months before? Did I want to write about how I opted for a start time of 7:30 instead of 8:30 because it was strongly suggested to start early if you run a five hour marathon? Did I want to write about how at the half way point I was passed by almost all of the 8:30 starters and came in dead last for my age group?
Instead I’m just posting my pictures.
Because I was out doing what I’ve learned is the most important thing to do while running.
It’s not a new fact that we are our own worst enemy. As we continue on this Life Changing Journey of weight loss, of moving forward, of taking control I believe the biggest road block we face is the one we build in our minds…
“I will never be able to (insert what ever you want here)”
“I can’t lose (insert number here) pounds”
“I lost (insert number here) pounds but have gained (insert number here) pounds back”
“I’m not good enough”
“I can’t control the way I eat”
“I’ve been stuck at this weight forever and nothing is changing”
“I’ve always wanted to (insert anything here) but will never succeed”
Seriously this list could go on and on and on (and on and on and on). Anytime I think about taking on a new physical challenge that road block starts to come down. I immediately tell myself it’s never going happen. I’m going to fail. Everyone around me will see me for the failure that I truly am…
Here’s a funny thing: NO ONE THINKS I’M A FAILURE.
Every time I’ve said to someone “so I’m thinking about doing (insert some crazy insane idea here)” No one has ever said to me “Tara, maybe you should rethink that idea”. Now I’m not talking about doing something totally insane like what we’ve all been witnessing the last few days with Felix Baumgartner and his 24 mile free fall jump out of a freaking space capsule do-hickey but for me some of those things I’ve set out to accomplish feel just as big as his jump.
I’m not talking just physical feats either. It seems that no matter what we want to accomplish that road block likes to come smashing down right in the middle of everything and stops us in our tracks.
Why?
Why?
WHY?
So let’s talk about my road block shall we? I made the announcement about doing something I’ve been wanting to do for a long time. It’s something that I feel very strongly passionate about and when I close my eyes and see it coming to fruition it feels absolutely right. There are only two things I’ve been very certain about in my professional career. The first being an ASL interpreter. Since I was a little kid it’s what I wanted to become. In my early 20’s I was in school for interpreting and stopped short because of that road block. For 8 years I let that dream sit on the side lines. Never thinking I was good enough. All the while people told me differently. When I went back to school in my early 30’s I went after it with a vengeance. Everyone around me telling me how good I was and that I had a natural skill for using ASL. But that damn voice in my head. That damn roadblock. I graduated top of my class but I was one of the last working interpreters. I didn’t believe in myself. I didn’t believe in my skill. Instead I thought about going into the mountains and becoming a camp counselor all year round.
Slowly I chipped away at that road block.
I had to trust my ability.
I had to trust my hard work.
I had to trust my commitment.
I had to trust those around me.
Not to toot my own horn (TOOT TOOT), but I’m very good at interpreting
The other thing I am certain about in my professional career is becoming a Life Coach with a focus on weight loss. I think about it all the time. As soon as I started losing my weight,I knew it was for good because I allowed that small fire to ignite that I finally understood that this journey of losing weight is not just about the physical pounds we carry on our bodies but also the emotional pounds we carry on our heart (mind and spirit). When I started talking with other people about their journey’s and sharing my experiences I felt that fire grow with such an intensity that even I couldn’t deny this was where my Life Changing Journey was taking me; into the lives of other people wanting to make the same changes.
And yet that road block exists.
Will people trust in me? Will people pay me? What if I launch this program and not one single person signs up? What if I say the wrong thing? The road block gets bigger and bigger. I’ve been wanting to do this for over a year and much like my desire to become an interpreter, this dream has been sitting on the sidelines because that road block is smack dab in the middle of everything. But the difference this time is that I’m going to trust my abilities and go head first into this endeavor. I’m going to trust in my hard work. In my commitment and most importantly I’m going to trust in those around me that know for certain that this is the path I am meant to travel.
When you close your eyes and you see that dream, whatever it may be, it’s not fair of you to just let it go. It’s not fair to those around you. They want to see you succeed. They want to see that things are possible no matter how difficult it might be to achieve. Not only is it not fair to them, it’s not fair to YOU. You have those dreams for a reason. You have those desires and goals for a reason. It’s because you were meant to go after them. When that road block comes down in front of you, you have to do whatever it takes to get around it. Chip away at it little by little or get a bulldozer and knock it the fuck out of the ball park. That road block is not there because other people put it there.
It’s there because you put it there.
It will only get out of the way when you decide to remove it.
It won’t be easy and it may come crashing down again and again but trust in your ability to succeed. Trust in your commitment. Trust in your hard work. Most importantly: TRUST IN YOURSELF…
I’m going to type this as fast as I can because I don’t want to second guess myself..
Not for
One
Second!
Here are some things I know to be true about me. I am passionate about people standing up and taking control of their lives. I am devoted to the life changing journeys not only of myself and of Meegan’s but to all of those around me. I have an innate ability to help those wanting to step up to the starting line of their own journeys whether it be the first time or the umpteenth time…
So I’m taking this show on the proverbial road.
(So scared to hit publish)
I’ve been alluding to taking the plunge on my own journey over the last couple of months but never truly allowed myself to say it out loud (except to Meegan) because there is so much fear in what I’m about to do. Here’s the problem: When you don’t say it out loud, when you don’t share it with the world, when you keep it locked up inside of you nothing will ever happen. Nothing. Those dreams will lay dormant in your heart and all those “what if’s” never get a chance to become a reality.
So I’m calling bullshit on myself.
In the next couple of weeks I’ll be launching “Coaching for your own LCJ“
(oh man can I really hit publish?)
An excerpt of the program: “Weight loss just isn’t about the physical weight we’ve carried on our bodies for as long as we can remember. Emotional weight can keep us from moving forward and finding the life we deserve. As someone who has lost 110 pounds, I know first hand how hard it is day in and day out to give yourself the permission to stand up, take control and go after what you deserve. Sometimes you need someone in your corner that just gets it. All of it.”
This is available to anyone, anywhere! It’s going to be Skyped based for one-on-one sessions along with daily emails. I’ll also be offerering a locally based program for those living in Halifax. I’m finalizing the 6 week program and the different package options for the personal weight loss / life changing journey coaching available to those that are interested. If you are one of those people please, please, please sign up for LCJ Mailing list up there in the right hand corner.
This program is for you if:
You have a lot of weight to lose.
You have already lost a significant amount of weight and want support moving forward from here.
You want someone who understands to discuss the tough stuff (loose skin, the scale, maintenance).
You just want to understand your relationship with weight and how it affects your life.
You’re looking for a big gentle kick in the pants.
Loving who you are in this body is not easy for you and talking about it makes you anxious.
Are you ready?
Am I ready?
I think we both know the answer to those questions!
One thing that I’m trying to commit myself to doing is reading more blogs. It’s hard to keep up with everyone and even though I wish I could get paid to read/respond to all of those blogs out there, it just can’t happen. But sometimes you come across a blog post that sits with you more heavily than others. So much so you’re not even sure how to respond…
He writes about having a father. A father that left when he was young. A father that is now sick and he’s hearing the dreaded “he’s not doing well” message (meaning Martinus should make amends before it’s too late).
This is part of our life changing journeys that I like to call “Oh well fuck me aren’t you just rearing your ugly head at the wrong time thank you very much emotions”. (PS if you’re new to this blog; I eff bomb quite a bit…you have been warned). I wanted to comment on his blog post. I wanted to leave some words of wisdom that would brush the dark clouds of emotional weight aside and give him the virtual “you’re going to be okay” warm fuzzy feeling but in the end after staring at my computer for a few minutes all I could type was this:
“I have a lot to say but need time to collect my thoughts”
And in my thoughts Martinus has been ever since. So much so I put this blog post on my to-do list as a reminder to come back and leave those thoughts for him, not on his blog post but here for the masses to read because it is in the masses that we find understanding, compassion and that almost inperceptable nod of the head that sends the much needed “I get this” message.
One of the things I rarely talk about here is my own father. I know I’ve mentioned a few times that he left when I was barely six weeks old and for most of my life I had been plagued with the “he left because of me” or the “why wasn’t I good enough for him to at least be a part of my life” feelings that later became the catalyst of the Freudian-like behavior of using my body because I thought that was the only way I could get someone to love me.
On my eighteenth birthday I sat by the phone expecting him to call.
For some reason I had devised this fantasy that the only reason he never contacted me (and when I say never contacted me I mean he.never.contacted.me.once.ever) was because he was waiting for me to become an adult and the day I turned eighteen would be the day I would hear the phone ring and on the other end would be him after all these years proclaiming he loved me and that I was the most beautiful daughter in the entire world.
But that day came and went as did the previous 6,528 days before.
Fast forward to being thirty. Ten years after my mother passed away. The phone did ring and on the other end was his voice. He didn’t come looking for me. I went looking for him and after some letter writing to an ex-wife of his that I found by happenstance; she led me to my paternal grandmother who then led me to him, the man that helped bring me into this world.
Him: “How have you been?”
Me: “You mean today or the last 30 years?”
That phone call led to us writing letters back and forth for a bit. In those letters he said one of the most profound things I’ve ever heard and it was in those words that the forgiveness began: “There is nothing I can do to change the past. I am an old man and my actions come with consequences that lay heavy on my heart. I have to carry those consequences with me to my death bed and for that I am sorry” He didn’t try to give me an excuse (“your mother and I were fighting too much”, “I tried calling but….”). He just took responsibility for his actions and knew that there were consequences…
We met once for a few hours a couple of months after our initial phone call. In those few hours I saw the things in him that I didn’t see in my mother. I saw the other half of who I was biologically and it closed a much needed door that I had been trying to shut for thirty years. He told me things my mother never told me (how they met, his relationship with my half brothers) and as I said goodbye he hugged me. Hugged me like a father should hug his kid but knew it would never happen again. It was desperate and full of “I’m sorry”.
His actions had consequences.
I came home and returned to my life. A fatherless life. A few years later I received a phone call from his wife Diane informing me that he had been sick and passed away. I naturally asked about funeral arrangements and when it was silent on the other end for an awkward moment or two I asked again about the funeral…
“he died three years ago”
Martinus, here are my thoughts: Your father knows what he did wrong. You can’t go through life and not know when you screwed things up. He was in your life for many years and then he wasn’t. You didn’t disappear from his thoughts, or his heart. He missed out. His actions have consequences and he is fully aware of that. When my father was sick and he knew he was dying he chose to leave this world with that burden on his heart and for that I am grateful. He knew there was no point in trying to amend the past again one last time for the sake of his own conscious.
If you want to be with him at this time of his life that is totally up to you. You can not let your family dictate what you should and shouldn’t be doing. His actions has consequences and those consequences come in the form of “Martinus has every right to do what he feels is right for him, not for his father”. If you want to see him it will be because you need to close that door for you, not for him. My father knew I had closed that door when I drove away that afternoon. He did me a favor by not trying to pry it open one last time.
If you ask me I think this journey is more about emotional weight rather than physical weight. How we deal with shit when it rears its ugly head and spews it’s venom is up to us. We can no longer soothe pain with food. At the end of the day, the ice cream tub is empty and we still feel raw, exposed and vulnerable. When we feel pain we need to allow ourselves the right to feel. Being hurt or confused is just as important to our emotional stability as feeling elated and clear headed.
And just as the actions of others have consequences, so do our own actions.
If you can live with them then I say you’re making the right choice.
What if the only thing standing in your my way is the person looking back at you me in the mirror?
There is so much happening in my mind right now it’s like a 8 lane highway converging all together onto a one lane country road. I lay awake at night on the verge of tears because what I want is so with in my reach and yet I am terrified to step off that proverbial cliff and let the wings I’ve been nurturing for the last 3 years (and 110 pounds lighter) lift me, spread far beyond even what I know is possible and fly…
Imagine if you can being in a room.
Music louder than you can stand blaring in your ears.
Strobe lights flashing.
You know there is a way out. A freedom of sorts from what plagues you but you can’t begin to find the way out because you’re so stuck thinking what if what is on the outside is worse than what’s on the inside? What if this room is where I am meant to be? What if what is out there beyond the chaos is not what you thought it should be or worse yet, more than you ever imagined. That’s me right now. I put a little out to the universe then shrink back in fear that the universe will answer and it will answer in a major way.
Who am I to dream big?
Who am I to want to bring life changes to people?
Why is it the desire to bring people to an understanding of believing they deserve to stand up and take control of their lives is so strong in me that it can bring me to my knees and leave me uncertain of my own ability? Meegan has helped me put together a page for this blog that I am petrified to publish. It’s the page that will be as life changing for me as it will be for anyone willing to give me chance…
And yet today it will stay in the preview mode.
I need more time to look deep inside of myself and know without a shadow of a doubt:
Okay let me preface this post with the ever popular hashtag #YouCan’tCryAndDoJumpingJacks. For those of us in the know we know what that means and for those of us NOT in the know a) you should have been in the know b) it means you’re about to say/do/blog something very personal and leaves the person feeling vulnerable.
“But Tara, your blog is always so personal”
Yes, this is in fact a true statement. My life (the before, during, and life long after) is among the 369 posts I’ve written since the inception of what started out as 263andcounting then slowly transitioning to A Life Changing Journey. Nothing has been left out. However I don’t talk much about the after effects of what losing 110 pounds can look like on a body that to most of us looks fit…athletic…strong.
But first a little background on why I am doing this particular post on this particular day.
You see Under Armour for Women has this ridiculously delicious campaign happening right now about setting a goal and crushing the holy loving crap out of it. If you know me then you know a) I love setting physical goals and b) I love crushing the holy loving crap out of them. I’m no stranger to seeing what I thought was impossible and fighting tooth and nail (and blood and sweat) to find the possible. I thought losing 110 pounds would be impossible. I thought lifting weights would be impossible. I thought running for more than a few minutes would be impossible…
and in all of those things I found that I’Mpossible
I thought a long time about what would be that “goal” I wanted to set. That goal I wanted to crush the ever loving holy mother of all that is pure out of. Would it be losing more weight? Would it be lifting heavier? Would it be running longer? Then I saw a blog post written by Krystle over at My Skinny Jeans Dreams and she floored me. Confession:I walk around with the same perception of people I see on the streets as I’m sure people make of me when I too am walking down that street. I don’t really know her. I only know her from the little time we had together a few weeks ago. I didn’t know her in the before or in the during. I only know her from her after and I made assumptions that because she “looked so damn fit” she had no idea what it was like to be obese…
And from her I’ve found my #whatsbeautiful.
You see I don’t have a problem with finding those physical goals.
I have a problem with the acceptance goals.
So here we go…
At 270 pounds there were certain words I never thought would become a part of my vocabulary. I was used to saying things like “Massive Multiplayer Online Role Playing Games” “World of Warcraft” “I’ll take a supersize number 3 with a diet coke” “Let’s stay home and watch t.v.” “Are you going to eat that?”
Runner.
Triathlete.
Athletic.
These are words that define me now and I had to work hard to earn
EVERY
SINGLE
ONE
But I spend a lot of time looking at what I think is not beautiful and continually beating myself up emotionally and physically because of the “scars” left behind from being morbidly obese. Loose skin has always plagued me and while some people would look at it as battle wounds from a hard fought war I still find it extremely difficult to look at and even more difficult to share. So my goal for the #whatsbeautiful campaign is to not focus on a physical goal because there is nothing I don’t think I can accomplish when it comes to raising the proverbial bar. Instead I’m focusing on an emotional goal:
Accepting me for all of me.
I’m smiling because the first time Meegan took this picture she said “you look so sad”. Truth is I am sad about my skin. It’s a daily reminder of what I allowed myself to do to my body and how while I was trying to fill my stomach and stretch my skin to capacity I was truly empty on the inside. But I know that the loose skin is a product of the love and trust I found in myself that I didn’t have to continue to living in a world of darkness. That I could find the light. That I deserved to leave sweat on the floor and look in the mirror and say “Tara, you are strong both inside and out. Go after what you want and know that you deserve it”
There may be loose skin but with it come beautiful strong muscles.
As an endurance runner I’ve had to come to terms with trying to build a relationship with my foam roller. I won’t lie I hate it but not only because it hurts to use on my sore muscles after a long run or a particularly hard work out but because when I foam roll I see loose skin.
This picture is hard to see just what I’m talking about but trust me it’s there and it is always pointing it’s ugly proverbial finger at me. Reminding me that at one point in my life my thighs were so big I couldn’t sit comfortably in a “normal” sized chair. Anything that had arms on the side would cut into my legs leaving indentations and red marks as a further reminder of how I was abusing my body. I spent a lot of time wearing sweat pants at the gym because even though my legs were getting stronger and muscle definition was happening I couldn’t get past the skin. But I know that the loose skin is a product of the commitment I’ve made to make my body strong, my heart stronger and to believe that every time I step up to that starting line I deserve to cross the finish line.
There may be loose skin when I foam roll but these legs have carried me across more finish lines in the last 2 years than most people will see in a lifetime.
(insert long deep breath)
Give me weights and I will lift them. Give me a distance and I will run it. Ask me to do a plank and it just about kills me. Yes they are hard to do and when I started I couldn’t go for more than a few seconds, but the reason it kills me? Because of the weight I feel pulling as my skin falls away from my body and hangs in what I can only describe as a blob…
The legs I can deal with. The arms I can deal with. But this is where the acceptance part gets hard for me. This will never go away. Yes I know that surgery is an option but in the long run I don’t think it’s worth the pain and suffering of recovery (nor the length of time it would take before I could lift heavy stuff and run long distances). This skin and I do not have a good relationship. I pinch it, I pull it, I cry over it. I stand in the mirror and flex my strong arms. I stand in the mirror and flex my strong legs. I stand in the mirror and stare at my loose stomach skin. When I do anything that requires me to bend over I instinctively touch my stomach and feel the soft pliable skin hanging informing me that because my body used to be morbidly obese, this will be my life long reminder. But I know that the loose skin is a product of the thousands of crunches, mountain climbers, sit ups and yes the planks that make my core strong. The very core that helps me to lift heavy and to run far. The core that allows me to stand firmly and proclaim to not only myself but to those around me that nothing is impossible.
There may be loose skin but this plank looks good!!!
This goal of acceptance won’t happen over night. Hell, it probably won’t happen over the course of October and this campaign, but I will continue to practice loving all of me. I will continue to remind myself that the reason the skin is the way it is, is because one day at the end of 2009 I decided enough was enough. I started this Life Changing Journey at 270 pounds not able to run, not able to lift heavy weights, hell not able to even walk up a flight of stairs without being out of breath. My skin is the result of love, determination and the will to believe I deserve to go after the person I was meant to be.
That to me is astoundingly beautiful.
I want to thank Under Armour for the opportunity to participate in this campaign. I encourage all of you to take a few minutes and think about what you want to write in that box that asks you to “type goal here” and then set about crushing the holy living mother of all that is pure hell out of it.
Some days things just never go the way you want them.
For me, today is was one of those days.
Oh it started out with good intentions. Up early to make sure everything was ready to go for Meegan. Plans made for nice easy bike ride out to one of my most favorite places in Herring Cove; Pavia Gallery. A little blogging, a little coffee and a whole lot of relaxing in a nice quiet place hoping for my thoughts to come together and for blog posts to go from my chaotic highway called the brain down my fingers and onto these very pages…
It was 7 1/2 miles to get there.
Around mile 6.463537223 I noticed Peppermint Patty (my bike) was not riding as smoothly as I am used too. At mile 7 I finally had to pull off the road and investigate….Dammit, a flat.
Okay so here’s where I start making confessions: I have no idea how to take care of my bike when it comes to repairs. I mean coming from Seattle/Tacoma you can pretty much find a bike shop with in a stone’s throw away from anywhere and I’m one of those people that would rather pay someone to fix it than figure it out myself.
But now I’m in Halifax.
Once you leave the limits of the city you’re pretty much on your own and that’s how I found myself today. Oh I play the big shot bike rider with the air pump/tire kit at the ready but as long as I’ve been biking both the pump and the kit had gone unused. I try not to panic as would be my usual emm ohh reaction because seriously nothing is worse than panicking out in the middle of nowhere. Hooray for me, after a few attempts at “what the hell am I doing wrong” I was able to figure out the bike pump (my tires have the French Valves) only to confirm that I indeed had a flat tire that would need to be taken apart, stomped on, cried over, thrown into the nearby lake fixed.
Ever tried to do something for the first time and have no idea even where to begin?
So I googled; How to repair a bike tire.
I youtubed; how to take a bike tire off the rim
And for the next 60 minutes little while I set out to take my wheel off, fix it and then get back to riding. If only it would have gone that easy. Just like trying something new, the first step was the hardest. It took forever to get that rim off. Oh they make it look easy on the videos don’t they? They mock me in their “just do this” instructions as I try…
And try…
And try…
Oh there we go!
The second step wasn’t too bad as they instructed me to find where the air is escaping from. Wait, you want me to find a puddle on this sunny day and look for air bubbles? No puddle? You suggest a sink full of water? Oh for pete’s sake if I was near a sink you think I would be bothering with this damn wheel? As with trying something new you have to improvise with what works for you. I threw my tire in the near by lake and lo and behold; AIR BUBBLES!
I’m feeling pretty bad ass by this point because I am secure in my ability to fix my tire and get on my way back home (because seriously my excitement for blogging and coffee had worn off right quick!) I use the little square of sandpaper, some rubber cement and the patch that came in the kit and BAM fixed.
Tube back in the tire.
Tire back on the rim.
Inflate with pump…
WTF?!?
The tire deflated and I was back at square one.
As with trying anything new, the outcome may not be the one you were hoping for. It would have been easy for me to feel as deflated as that damn tire. It would have been easy for me to just sit there in the middle of no where and feel sorry for myself and say things like “You suck at this shit”, “Just give up” “You can’t do anything right” but what I’ve learned on this Life Changing Journey is sometimes you can’t look at the final outcome and judge your abilities on what you THINK should be the final product.
Sometimes the process of trying is where you find success.
Once I knew the tire was shot and it was beyond my control I resolved myself to walking the 3,635 7 miles back home. I put my back pack on, flipped Peppermint Patty right side up and instead of putting myself down for not being able to “get it right the first time” I smiled a little and may have even pumped my fist in the air just a tiny bit because I had taken the tire off the rim, found where the problem was and tried my best to fix it.
When we are setting out to try new things we have to give ourselves credit where credit is due. Are you just starting to run and feeling frustrated because you’re out of breath after a few minutes? Can you smile a little (and pump your fist in the air just a bit) because for a few minutes you are running and when you keep at it those few minutes will turn into 20 minutes, 30 minutes, 60 minutes, a marathon. Are you starting your weight loss journey and feeling frustrated because the numbers aren’t moving the way you hoped? Can you smile a little (and pump your fist in the air just a bit) because even if the numbers aren’t moving the way you want, you’re moving your body the way it NEEDS to be moved and that one pound loss will turn into 5 pounds, 10 pounds, 50 pounds, a life changing journey.
As with anything new, when it’s not going the way you think it should, resort to what works for you. I couldn’t fix my tire and ride peppermint patty home but I know how to walk. I do it all the time and instead of being upset that I couldn’t just make the problem go away I took the time to enjoy the walk as much as possible.
As with anything new, the first time can be scary, frustrating, upsetting, embarrassing, confusing, and down right crappy. When we keep at it that new becomes a thing of old…of practiced…of improvement. Keep at it. Ask someone to help you with what you don’t understand. I should have asked for help a long time ago on how to fix a flat but sometimes I’m too stubborn to admit I don’t know what I’m doing. Now a good friend knows my inability and she’s gonna make sure I know the “how to” so well I can do it in my sleep.
When I got back into town (but not quite home) I found a bike shop that was able to help me on the spot. Seems Peppermint had a small sliver of something sharp in the tire and the hole I fixed had actually been successful but as soon as I put the tire back on the bike it had punctured the tube again. A few minutes later I was back in the saddle and riding home, knowing that the next time this happened I’d be better prepared…
And able to change my own tire like a pro!
Do me a favor. Take a few minutes and think not about how frustrating this life changing process can be at times but rather spend some time thinking about what you are good at doing. All of those things you’re good at had a beginning. Everything you can do like it’s nothing, took some learning. Some practice. Some over and over again. All of these new things you’re trying to do take the same kind of learning. The same kind of practice. The same kind of over and over…
I’m not one to really jump on someone else’s bandwagon.
You don’t have to spend much time with me to know that I have a special place in my heart for running. I think about it almost all the time. I think about being outside. I think about the other people doing the same thing as we run past each other in opposite directions and wonder what they’re life journey looks like. When I am not running and I see someone who is, you can almost always hear me send up a little cheer in the form of “Run it out” or “Get after it”…
It’s not a new fact that we are our own worst enemy. As we continue on this Life Changing Journey of weight loss, of moving forward, of taking control I believe the biggest road block we face is the one we build in our minds…
One thing that I’m trying to commit myself to doing is reading more blogs. It’s hard to keep up with everyone and even though I wish I could get paid to read/respond to all of those blogs out there, it just can’t happen. But sometimes you come across a blog post that sits with you more heavily than others. So much so you’re not even sure how to respond…
What if what 
Some days things just never go the way you want them.