There won’t be some catchy picture at the beginning of this post. I don’t have much time as I’m about to put on my running gear and take a quick 3 mile run as I taper into the marathon just 9 days away. I’m writing this more for me than for you. I’m acknowledging that I’ve been putting off writing that “celebrate Tara” post now for close to a week.
See the demons are at work.
I hit the “publish” button on the proverbial nail on proverbial head post and I felt strong. I felt ready to talk about why I am in fact a big deal. Why I was ready to celebrate me so that the world could then begin to celebrate as well. Then the voices started. The ones that are just beyond reach to stop.
“you haven’t done anything spectacular”
“Please, what makes you so special”
“No one wants to hear you go on about yourself”
“Big Deal so you lost weight”
You know those voices right? You have them too. And they’ve managed to keep me from writing a post that I promised myself I would write. I keep telling myself “later” or “tomorrow” or “Look a squirrel”. Over the past week I’ve managed to take little things and make them into big things that bring those old behaviors back with a vengeance.
like breaking babydoll…
I think I’m the only one capable of breaking her most prized kitchen gadget after only having it a few weeks by making almond butter. But it wasn’t the gadget that upset me (okay I was upset) but more pointing fingers at myself and saying “See!!!!! You can’t do anything right”. “You don’t deserve nice things because you can’t take care of them”. “You are the stupidest person ever” “Why do you even exist????”
2 1/2 years I’ve been on this journey and some days it feels like I’ve hardly moved forward. It’s been a year since I left my ex-husband and some days I’m still racked with so much guilt I can’t get anything done. Some days I can’t look at another dog without breaking down and crying. Sometimes I look at Meegan and wonder what I’ve gotten her into. I wonder if I’ll ever look in the mirror and truly love myself enough to keep moving forward (if I could only figure out what that means).
I talked with a friend who feels broken. She’s lost a triple digit and has done some incredible things with her life. She struggling too. Fighting the urges of binging, feeling lost. She saying everything I’m feeling too. The urge to quietly slip into the bathroom and eat until I can’t shove anything in my face and then letting it all go so that I feel like I am in control even if just for a moment or two.
This journey is hard. I don’t care what anyone tells you. It doesn’t stop once you can get into a size 8 pair of jeans or your clothes tag now sports the letter “s” instead of xxl. The notion of staying present and in the moment instead of giving into the urge to binge or the urge to just throw your hands up in the air and say fuck it is something I wouldn’t really wish on anyone. Being conscious. Being aware. Wrapping your arms around yourself and saying “this too shall pass” is harder than anything I’ve ever done physically. I know how to run. I know how to lift heavy shit. I know how to work my body so hard it can’t fathom taking stairs for days afterwards. I know how to put on a head lamp and run in the middle of the night for a 187 mile relay race. I know how to do enough pull ups the callouses on my hands rip.
What I’m still learning is how to love Tara.
There is struggle.
But in that struggle there is fight. I may never get around to that celebration Tara post. I’m okay with that today. I want to do it but emotionally it’s hard right now. I’m not afraid to admit that I too feel lost and am trying hard to stay in the moment. The celebration today isn’t about the weight loss or the miles run. The celebration today is I acknowledge the struggle of staying in the moment. The celebration today is I acknowledge that giving into the urges of binging is not an option any longer. The celebration today is I acknowledge that some days are harder than others and when I can’t look in the mirror I have someone in my life I can look at that will tell me everything I need to hear without saying one word to me.
Keep going Tara…
Keep fighting Tara…
You deserve this.
(We all deserve this)
Tears. Seriously. I feel like you’re me, I’m you. I’ve been writing posts in my head for weeks that I’m afraid to actually write because of how they may be viewed by others as ‘look at me, I’m so great’. The voices are always there. Telling me I’m not so great.
Tara: Despite your doubts of not being good enough or you can’t celebrate yourself, you are awesome. There have been many a time when your posts have gotten me through the tough things. I often think, “remember when Tara said this (insert whatever it may be). You deserve it. You have earned it. In my eyes, you are nothing but magnificent. Hope you have a day as special as you are!
I wish more than anything I could just hug you and give you inner peace, and then we’d just share it with everybody.
But I can’t. But know that if I could, no matter the cost, I would, and so would a bunch of other people.
Getting to goal is only part of it. You do deserve this – you’re right, we ALL do. But it’s hard, and sometimes we slide. And the voices… oh to find a way to silence the voices. If only we could.
[…] discovered Tara’s blog, A Life Changing Journey. I know she’s blunt, and outspoken, and struggles to love herself. And she’s willing to share all of that on her blog, which I think is great, because it […]
So that’s what we’re here for, friend. To love you and celebrate you and SHOW YOU how to do that for yourself. We can fill in the gap for you, until loving you becomes second nature for you. You are loved by many – can we ALL be wrong?!? I don’t think so…