Rut…

I feel stuck.

I feel unmotivated.

In a rut of sorts.

Definition of “In a rut“: In a settled or established pattern, habit or course of action, especially a boring one.

My pattern, habit and/or course of action has been (as of late) one of wanting to pull the covers over my head and sleep more. One of wanting to be okay with mediocre runs and lack luster workouts. One of wanting to be okay with eating shitty foods and then being okay with wanting to continue to eat shitty foods by shoving crappier foods into my already full body.

This feeling comes from a few different places and hopefully putting fingers to keyboard (bringing the “un”conscious to the conscious and the “un”said to the voiced). I know I’m  having the post race blues something big right now. I’ve been doing this long enough to know that when you accomplish that “big” (insert whatever here) you should have something ready to go not long after. Something that keeps you focused beyond that “big”. This weekend should have found me at the starting line of my longest trail run to date. It’s something that I love doing and it helps to keep my running ability in perspective. Because of financial strains the trip that was long in planning is now short in cancelling. It required travel and travel requires expensive gas (have you seen the gas prices here in Eastern Atlantic Canada?), hotel accommodations and of course the required intake of food and what nots. What we don’t have at the moment is disposable income so some things have to give.

One of the things I’ve come to dislike about blogging is my overwhelming feeling of being judged. “This is my blog” “don’t listen to what others say” “haters will hate” are all good ways of dealing with this #judgyeyed feeling but lets be honest: Sometimes I’m afraid to type my words for fear of what “those that I’ll probably never even meet in real life” will think or say, and fear of being judged by or hurting those that I do know in real life.

I’ve spent the last two years in Halifax having all of my goals put first. By no fault of Mimi’s or my own it just happened that way. Physical goals of hers put on the back burner while recovery began, meant that running goals of mine came first. Weight loss wasn’t my focus: Running was. Now it’s time to shift focus. Mimi must come first as she embarks on this new portion of her journey with Precision Nutrition and the Lean Eating program. It’s a hard shift for her as she fights to make herself a priority in a mind frame that leaves her feeling anything but. It’s a hard shift for me to step out of the “limelight” and not shove that very bright light in her face with a “You got this” cheer in the background. Figuring out when to push, when to comfort and when to just say “today is just a day and it’s everything is okay”.

All of this “figuring out my life at this very moment” while “figuring out her life” while “figuring out our lives” has meant that my desire to move forward has kind of turned into a “let me lay in bed for another 40 minutes/I’ll run tomorrow/Let’s eat candy until I get sick and watch a marathon of Nurse Jackie/No I’m not hungry but yes I’ll continue to eat these chicken wings.

I feel stupid for complaining. I can just put on some fucking running shoes and spend an hour outside. I can just push the plate away or take my hand out of the candy bag. I can get up when my alarm says to do so and break a sweat. It’s a battle. One that I don’t feel much like fighting today…this week really…well since I’m being honest for the last month really. Then I justify all of it by hopping on the scale and thinking “shit look at all the crap I ate and moving I didn’t do and still holding strong at 160”. It’s like I want the scale to creep up so that I can at least draw that proverbial line on myself and say “Oh no you don’t Tara”.

But this journey isn’t just about the physical portion of weight loss/maintenance. It’s about making sure the emotional portion stays in check too. Walking a little more deliberately. Talking myself through food choices a little more deliberately. Spending some quiet time reading or blogging instead of feeling like I should be making sure my heart rate reaches a certain BPM or running a certain amount of miles. The rut is just as hard to get out of emotionally as it is physically. Acknowledging and allowing these feelings of “Meh”ness to be a part of me as much as feeling motivated/determined/focused gives them the ability to move along, instead of lingering and picking up their very close friends: Guilt/shame/helplessness/depression along the way.

Life is like the weather.

You never really appreciate the days of warmth and sun unless you appreciate the days of cold and overcast.

I appreciate today.

Clouds and all.