Blog ideas usually come to me when I’m least expecting it..
Except I’m pretty much always thinking about what to write for the next “MIND EXPLODING” episode of A Life Changing Journey.
Usually it goes something like this: blah blah blah (hear or see something), whoa that would make a great blog post (mental note, mental note…oh yhea this is gonna be good) blah blah blah I’m going to go home right now and start it blah blah blah (oh look a squirrel) I’ll start it later. I’ll start it tomorrow. Blah blah blah. What a stupid idea. No one wants to read your blog (idea gets thrown to the wayside). Blah blah blah (hear or see something), whoa that would make a great blog post…over and over again.
It’s what happened yesterday. In the shower of all places. Feeling particularly “girly” I decided to shave…not that you needed to know that but since the whole “gender spectrum” is out there I think it’s okay to add a little “hmmmmm, I wonder where Tara is on her spectrum of boy to girl percentage ratio”…and for some reason the idea of having any body hair revolted me (except on my head because even I can’t deny my haircut is pretty FLY)
So yhea, anyways…
This song came on while in said shower…”Saying and Doing are Two Different Things” (Songza; genre “Feeling Confident”; Sub Category “Baller”…to combat the girly feeling…see how this gender thing really fucks with me sometimes?)
I think we’ve all been “Saying” a lot more than “Doing”
Saying you want to do (insert whatever comes to mind here) and not implementing a “doing” strategy accomplishes nothing. I can’t even begin to count how many times I said “I wish I could (lose weight, run, fit into something other than this XXL shirt, not have to walk into Lane Bryant for nice clothes, walk up these stairs and not breathe like I’m dying, stop playing video games, get up from the damn couch and do something amazing, get off this fucking depression medication)”…and yet I never did anything to get me turned around and pointed in the right direction…
I was all say.
And no do.
I made excuses. I told myself there was no point because all I was going to do was fail. Before I could even start, I stopped. And because I didn’t give myself the opportunity to prove myself wrong, I hated myself even more and the only way I could suppress that hate was to cover it with mind numbing activities like eating or playing video games or doing both simultaneously for hours and hours.
I spent a lot of time in this vicious cycle. Actually I should be honest and not use the word “spent” in it’s past tense. I should use it in it’s present tense because even though I’ve managed to lose the weight, kick the video game addiction (sort of), wiggle into a size S/M, no longer shop in the plus size sections of department stores, push my physical limits beyond anything I thought possible and managed to throw out the anti-depressants I still find myself on this “I wish I could/fail/why try/can’t” cycle…
Right now it has to do with food, social media and my damn phone.
I’m having a hard time cleaning up my palate. It’s easy for me to pull the excuses out of my ass with “oh it was my birthday/holidays/Mimi’s birthday/I need to eat more because I went back to crossfit” but truth be told, I’m just having a hard time getting back to a food foundation that makes me feel really good. I keep saying “tomorrow” instead of saying “RIGHT NOW”. My cupboards aren’t filled with bags of chips and diet soda and that makes the excuse making even easier. I’m not sneaking off to some drive thru and hiding the evidence but I have been eating out more and that always leads to not making the best decisions. Tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow when I know good and well tomorrow isn’t going to happen.
The other thing I’ve been wanting to do is give up all the games on my phone (damn you Tapped Out / Clash of Clans) and take a break from social media of sorts. The social media thing is pretty dried up for me in the sense that I don’t check it very often but I still find myself aimlessly scrolling through news feeds that bore me and suck me into sitting on the couch longer than I want too. Most times what I want to do is pick up a book and read or practice my double unders but then I think “okay, just 5 minutes on the phone then back to business”…
But then 5 minutes turns to 30…
Some times 60.
And then I’m really angry with myself.
It’s not that I don’t want to know what’s going on with people out there. But I don’t really care about 90% of the stuff that is occupying my media outlet. I want to look at pictures of people making huge leaps and bounds in their weight loss. I want to research recipes to try out. I want to cry over someone reaching a goal they thought totally unobtainable. Instead I’m watching videos of cats in sharks costumes on a roomba.
UGH.
The problem with my food and social media is I want to make the changes but I’m not Doing…only Saying. Something has to change and I can’t fathom where to start. I know baby steps, baby steps, baby steps…
Just stop going out to eat. Delete the games off your phone. Clean up your FB friend’s list. Put the fucking phone down and walk away. Get up and do something else. You think I don’t already know all this? Of course I do and I’m usually the first to throw my fist up in the air and say “MAKE THOSE CHANGES!”, but right now? Maybe tomorrow.
So here’s my little proclamation of Doing more than Saying:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AKzlzDltPyk
Seems silly but it’s a start.
I’ll be spending the next couple of days cleaning up my FB list too. I need to focus more on what’s happening in front of me rather than what’s happening so far removed from me. I’ll be dusting off a few books I’ve been wanting to read and hopefully spending more time running rather than thinking about running. Food will be food until I decide I don’t want it to be Food in that way any longer…
I really want this “clean up” to stick. Not just a “oh I’ve had enough” until I download another game or add another friend to my already bogged down list of “how do I know you?” list. I want to make long term changes to my food again. Get back to eating what I know makes me feel good and strong in the long term and not just something that makes me feel good in the short term…
Eeeeeeep.
Already panicking.
What’s on your Stop Saying and Start Doing list?
Get on that Shit!
I think a lot of us get caught up in the whole, “I’ll start XYZ tomorrow.” I know that I talk a good game but don’t always follow through on my good intentions. So you’re definitely not alone in that regard. Of course, there’s always the idea that talking about change is the first start to actually MAKING changes, so you need to consider that, too.
In any case, good on you for getting out there and getting started…and most of all for talking about it, because there are a whole lot of us who can relate.
Stop emotional eating is on my list. Dang it it’s so hard. Feels like I may never get back on the diet wagon. But, I’m still trying. And as long as I’m trying there’s still hope right?