Sitting with Emotions…

This week is my one year anniversary.

(send gifts if you’d like)

Hard to believe this time last year, Meegan and I were finishing up the Ragnar Relay and about to elope to Vancouver British Columbia to secretly get married. The story never gets old when someone asks how we met and we reminisce about our happen chance meeting in real life after following each other’s blogs for so long and falling in love from 4000 miles apart.

We laugh over the fact that when Meegan arrived for her first real visit July 14th we had yet to share a kiss or go on a date but we had already planned our wedding. We took care of the kiss right away. The official first date followed close behind. Engagement ring placed on her finger one day was coupled with $12 wedding rings not too many days later. We had no idea if what we were doing was absolutely insane but to us it felt absolutely right.

A year has gone by fast.

The reason I titled this post “Sitting with Emotions” is because among all the reasons to celebrate I am also reminded that there are other emotions inside of me that need to be acknowledged in order for them to move on and make room for my heart to feel love and compassion for the beautiful woman I married.

This week there is a lot of tragedy in the world (or at least in my small non t.v. world). There is a lot of talk about what happened in Colorado and even without access to news coverage in my own home I can’t go but a few feet in any direction without being bombarded with details and pictures.

This is also the week of gay pride here in Halifax. We’ve got our week planned out for us and the first event was a candle light vigil that we attended last night. The vigil was for those fighting for the right to be called first class citizens in countries where laws allowing the execution of gays still exist (hard to believe but in fact true). It was also to remember those that have died standing up for what they believe in: Love is love no matter the gender.

As I stood there in the moment of silence on the grounds of the downtown library, less than a week before my one year anniversary, I missed my home. Don’t get me wrong I love Halifax and all that has come with moving here but there was a definite longing for the people and places far away. As I wrapped my arms around Meegan and the people around me remembered Raymond Taaval who was killed not that far from our home this past April in what some labeled as a gay bashing I thought about the oddest thing; “I wish I could take my dogs for a walk”.

You read about people’s tragedy and almost immediately you see another person comment on how we need to be thankful for what we have and to stop complaining because we’re not going through something as awful as what happened in Colorado or here in Halifax. We should be thankful that we have the ability to get up every morning and walk on both feet instead of laying in a hospital bed recuperating from road side bombings or waking up finding both my breasts gone to cancer.

This week feels heavy on my shoulders and I don’t want to feel guilty for missing something as simple as walking my dogs or sitting across the table from my niece as she tells me stories about the customers that come into her bank. I am extremely thankful for my life and even more thankful that when I wake up in the morning I see the most beautiful face laying next to me. I am thankful for my two feet and the ability to get up every morning and while sad that where I used to live wouldn’t recognize my marriage I’m thankful that I was able to move to a country that sees me as a first class citizen.

So many times when we feel the emotions that bring angst / confusion / sadness we want to push them away because we feel guilty for having them or we’re too afraid to sit with them because it can wreak havoc on our bodies physically. We tend to turn to food because it soothes those painful emotions. Focusing on the pint of sweet tasting ice cream or the bag of salty crunchy chips eases the emotions as if we were being coddled in a blanket being rocked back to sleep.  We convince ourselves that we shouldn’t allow painful feelings to interfere with our everyday lives because look at what’s going on around the world and how dare we feel sorry for ourselves.

My emotions are mine to feel and to recognize. They are mine to acknowledge and let pass when ready. I have no right to down play them against any one or any thing else in the world. It’s not okay to shut them out or pacify them with food in hopes that they will go unnoticed just because my life isn’t as tragic as what I see happening out in the world. What I feel is what I feel based on the experiences of my life and the life I see around me.

So in my little world this week there is a lot of pull and push of the emotions. Elated to being going away with Meegan this week to Stonehame for a few days to read letters we wrote to each other the day we were married to be opened on our first anniversary. Excited to be celebrating my “pride” this week in a country that in fact allows me to be married to the woman of my dreams (and watching the drag queens play baseball). All rolled in to that is also some longing and sadness for what is missed and for what is gone.

People often ask me what the hardest part of this journey has been and most times I think they expect me to say something like “all the physical activity” or “giving up soda”. In fact the hardest part is understanding that one emotion is not better than the other. Understanding that in order to feel true happiness in my life I have to feel true sadness as well. In order to feel clarity I have to feel confusion. In order to feel peace I have to feel angst. Strong; Weak. Brave; Fear. 

All emotions are equal.

I don’t have to make myself feel better with a super sized bag of McDonald’s because I want to cry my eyes out. I just need to cry my eyes out. I don’t have to sit in the corner with a medium pizza that I have no intention of sharing because I feel lonely or am missing someone. I just have to acknowledge that I feel lonely or that I miss someone. I don’t have to plunge my hand into a basket of fried chicken or swirl my finger around the edge of an empty pint of ice cream because I want to take the dogs that I miss for a walk.

The emotions eventually subside. The deep breathing of calmness returns and the moving on can continue. That’s the hardest part about the journey. Being patient as you wait for the emotions to come and go as needed. Learning along the way that what you feel today may or may not be what you feel tomorrow…

One emotion is not better than the others.

They just are.

If you let them.