Etsy Artist: FractalBurst
I’m in a lot of pain.
Early yesterday I managed to throw my back out (as it happens once every 6 months or so). I didn’t do it lifting heavy weights, or running double digit miles. I did it sitting in a chair. Shifted wrong and BAM! As soon as I felt the twinge I knew what had happened and just like clock work, a few hours later I can hardly move and everything I’m used to doing comes to a screeching HALT!
Here’s what I know about the back pain:
It happens every so often. It has to do with a shifting of my hips (or so that’s what the doctors tell me). It’s really intense for the first few days and then it starts to subside as the shifting starts to settle again. Any and all physical activity stops happening. I can’t put on a pair of socks or sit on the toilet without feeling like I’m going to fall over from the sharp dagger like pains radiating from the base of my spine. I wake up every time I need to move while sleeping because I brace for the pain, I need to methodically shift an inch or two, wait for the pain to subside, shift again, wait, shift, wait…It takes me several minutes to get out of bed and if I’m not careful the pain will literally force my legs to stop working while walking down the hall to the bathroom in hopes that I get there before I relieve myself of bodily fluids. I know it’s only temporary but in the midst of feeling the pain I feel like it’s never going to go away.
Here’s what I also know about back pain (or any pain for that matter):
It fucks with me on such a deep emotional level.
All logical thoughts vacate the premise to make way for crappy emotional thoughts. With those C.E.T(s) come mindless eating, feeling sorry for myself, frustrated at my body and the crazy intense urge to lock myself away in the pantry and magically try to turn “healthy” foods into sugar laden, calorie dense “why the Fuck can’t this can of Tuna turn itself into a tub of chocolate frosting with a delicious slice of gooey cherry pie on the bottom???”
When I’m in pain I spend a lot of time being angry with myself. Every time I eat something I go right back to that “well Tara, you won’t be able to work off those calories so you better watch what you’re eating” then it turns into “It doesn’t matter what I eat anyways because I’m such a freaking loser for hurting my back that I deserve to feel sick to my stomach as well for overeating”. Laying in bed because walking is painful turns into “you’re so lazy” and walking (ever so slowly and methodically) because laying in bed is painful turns to “Way to fuck things up yet again Tara”…
On top of all that, I still haven’t heard about the employment position at the university here in Halifax. Logical Tara knows it takes time for a university to decide to offer this type of position to someone. HR has to look at budgets, and proposals and then decide who is the best match for the faculty member they are hiring for. Emotional (and in pain) Tara thinks “I’m not good enough for the job and they are just waiting to tell me that I suck but I could save them a phone call because I already know I suck”. Nor have I heard anything on the permanent residency status. It’s been over 13 months and all they can say is “we don’t know where you are in the process”…
I’m frustrated. In pain. Cranky as all fucking get out and to top it all off; so is my partner in crime. The Martin/Dowe household is in need of some serious emotional flushing. And yet, there is nothing I can do at this point about any of the frustrations of being in pain, of waiting to hear about the job position or of waiting to hear back from the Canadian Government about my permanent residency.
Well that’s not entirely true. I may not be able to take the pain away this instance but I can try to remember that this is only temporary. I may not know about the employment position today but I am in the time line of when they will be notifying people. And well the thing with the Government is just all the bureaucratic bullshit of being a big entity of power with not enough people working to keep things going smoothly… I want to eat. Like eat eat. Like drive through the first fast food establishment I can find and order some hot fries and double cheese burger, then as I’m ripping into that bag scope out another fast food establishment… Eat until I’m so uncomfortable I berate myself. Eat until I’m crying because I want to stop but can’t…
It won’t happen. For one I’m in too much pain to get out of bed right now (a blessing?). And two, that’s not how I deal with frustrations and anger any more. Better to just sit with the pain of the back and the frustration of the mind rather than add the pain of my over bloated stomach and the frustration of having sugar headaches and all that comes with not eating in congruency with what my body needs. Instead I’ll just try to remain calm and give my body the chance to heal…
(but please don’t take too long)
You know I know what you’re talking about. My back has been out of whack for almost a month now. I find myself wanting to go down that same hole, to dig every last scrap of sugar and fat and salt I can find out of the pantry, to hit every drive through in town, to just EAT.
But I keep telling myself that it won’t make me feel better, and, in fact, it will make me feel worse. You know that as well as I do.
I’ve realized that pain is our body’s way of drawing attention to something that we need to work on. Debilitating pain means there’s a big issue right in front of us that we’re not willing to see. Listen to your body; it knows what it needs. Sometimes it just takes us a while to interpret.
WOW…I just wrote about pain and triggers and the binge. Last week, in a cast, was the biggest gift to me….I saw that instantaneous process that happens in the split second…
Hang in there! and SHOW yourself some compassion!
Nothing like pain to reset everything. I hope it’s gone in no time. You are a superhero, and dont’ you forget it.
I’m kind of in the same boat right now. Had to stop running 3 weeks ago due to musclar issues in my leg then last week I started having muscle spasms in my lower back. Already feeling physically bad, I started to feel sorry for myself, got cranky and made some bad eating decisions (all the while the thoughts in my head said “you aren’t doing anything to work that off”). When one or two things seem bad, everything else does and so we go down the negative spiral. I’m trying to spin my two injuries into a positive: at least it’s happening at the same time while I can’t run anyway. It’s so tough to not go to a negative place and I’ll struggle with that every day until I can run again.
You’ll be up and running (so to speak) in no time 🙂
I really hope you’re feeling better soon!
Speaking from experience the University hiring process is very long…very drawn out…usually involving committees and several rounds of interviews. It’s annoying but worth the wait. Good luck!