The topic of bulimia is one that is rarely (if at all) talked about in a public realm. I understand that this post may be difficult for some people to read (triggers) but before I begin let me be very clear: This is my journey. I have suffered from bulimia my entire adult life (my first purge happening in high school). It goes without saying that while I’ve been on this LCJ for over a year and successfully lost over 100 pounds in a healthy, stay in the moment kind of way (I never reverted to purging to lose weight – though I did suffer isolated episodes) I carry this behavior in the depths of my being. If you feel that this topic is a trigger for you, you may want to skip over my words. This post isn’t about the act of bulimia but working through the urge to resort to a behavior I know isn’t appropriate to a successful (life long) weight loss journey. Today I’m here to put a face to bulimia…
That face is mine.
A few days ago, I woke up and felt great. It’s was day 4 of Brad’s #7daychip and I had a guest post over at Mizfit’s blog and it was received better than I thought it would be (Don’t Compare). I had a great early morning workout with Godfather. The sun was out. I looked good, I felt good and I was going to kick the ass of this fantastic Thursday morning.
It was such a great day I took a picture of myself and posted it on twitter.
A few hours later I would take the following picture:
What causes someone to go from feeling good about who they are, feeling strong, feeling confident and head held high to sitting in the car having an emotional break down and feeling defeated, weak, and confused? It was because I was fighting the urge to give up the food in my stomach. I had just eaten lunch (teriyaki) and instead of stopping when I was full (about 1/2 way through my meal) I continued to eat. The triggers began to happen:
*There won’t be any food later.
*What if you’re hungry again too soon.
*You must clean your plate.
panic!
When I begin to panic over my food and can’t stop consuming a very quiet (yet extremely powerful) voice begins to whisper in my ear. The voice tells me it’s okay to eat beyond control and comfort because there is an easy way to fix the pain. An easy way to take control. An easy way to continue eating to diminish the fear that I will be left without food…
95% of the time I can get through a meal by talking myself “down”. While most people are thinking about how delicious their food is, or thinking about textures, temperatures, and what not I’m usually having an internal conversation about staying calm, chewing my food, staying in the moment. It’s not the best way to enjoy a meal but I’ve worked really hard to get to a place where I can go unscathed and in the end actually enjoy my relationship with food.
Some days it doesn’t go so well.
The urge to let it go was so great I refused to get out my car and spent the next hour letting myself feel emotions that I didn’t want to feel. I took pictures because I wanted to see my face. I wanted to see the pain and frustration. I know what I feel like on the inside when the urge is here but what does it look like on my face?
I didn’t care that I was having a break down.
I knew that if I went into the house, I’d give in.
It would be the easy fix.
It would be my secret.
No one would know that I’d let the comforting voice take control.
But I would know.
I am my greatest ally.
This is my life.
I refuse to live in secrets.
For an hour:
I prayed.
I listened to music.
I talked with friends.
I put a face to my disease.
That face is mine.
I worked through a plethora of feelings over the course of that hour. In the end, I was able to leave the safe confines of my car and move forward. It was painful both physically and emotionally to force myself to stay in the car instead of taking the “easy” way out. It was hard not to just say “Well Tara, if you make yourself sick you can always just start again with good decisions”. Bulimia is NOT the easy way out. Making good decisions is not a precursor to making bad decisions. I never thought of myself as having food binges. I never thought about the amount of food I was eating because I was always looking at the end result. As soon as I get uncomfortable with my food intake I go immediately to the only way I know how to fix it.
Fuck that.
I fixed it the hard way.
I win.
Hugs to you. It took me years (decades?) to fully accept that purging after a binge isn’t a blessed reset, it’s the next step in the wrong direction. About twice a year I revert to old disordered behavior. I did it last Tuesday after scarfing my kids’ leftover butternut squash ravioli w/sage browned butter sauce. I was so mad they didn’t eat it, and mad that it’s not a food that I can eat (ludicrously high carb foods trigger me), I just ate it off their plates. It was one of those why the fuck am I eating cold leftover food oh but I can’t stop myself…fuuuuuuck moments. Anyhow, it’s a lifelong battle but we’ll win.
WOW….this is why I come to your blog on a consistent basis for support and inspiration. You put everything out there and are so truthful to yourself and others. On these blogs we all see the weight loss aspect of our journeys that we share. But we very seldom see the internal struggles that people go through and that fight is sometimes tougher than the actual weight loss.
Thanks for sharing this battle Tara. I’m standing by you during the war.
Wow, I can’t even imagine how hard it was for you to post this…. but I want to say Thank You.
I don’t know how many times I’ve considered “other alternatives” to battle my weight…this being one of them. While I have never actually experienced what you have been through, the heaviness in my heart tells me that I made the right decision.
The obstacles that you’ve overcome in the past year – and I’ve been watching… from the sidelines, but I’ve been here – has absolutely fascinated me.
Knowing that you’ve overcome – and still overcoming – situations like this makes you that much more powerful. You are a warrior, fighting a war. You have won many battles – and continue in your daily fight. **HUGS**
Also, good for you for staying in the car. You turned a potential binge/purge situation into a much less pathological overeat/regret situation. Sometimes food tastes so good we eat more of it than we need. Everyone does that. Non-bulimics sit with the overfull feeling and adjust intake the rest of the day. Like you did. Good job.
I LOVE the “I fixed it the hard way. I win.”
Having never struggled with bulimia, I am thankful for your honesty because I have known others who have and it’s becoming easier to understand what they have gone through.
You have come such a long way. This is very brave and I’m proud of you for posting it.
Thank you for this post, Tara. Bulimia has been a part of my life since I was 12 so all of this hit home for me hard. Especially the part where you rationalize with yourself that after your purge you can start over and make better decisions.
You’re such a strong lady and such an inspiration. I’m so glad you stayed in the car and didn’t listen to that little voice. <3
“Making good decisions is not a precursor to making bad decisions.”
Wow…that says it all. Thank you for your courage and for showing us your beautiful face in the midst of so much pain.
people talk about “one day at a time” all the time. sometimes it’s one minute at a time Tara. You truly win.
I win. That is what I say in my head daily. I am glad you put it out there and shed light on your secret. It makes it that much harder for your secret to stick around. Good going hon. You win.
Props you, Tara. What a huge step you took by posting this and more importantly, documenting it with pictures. You can see the reality of it all. Proud of you for pushing ahead and not letting bulimia consume you. You definitely did win. Keep it up 🙂
I am so super proud of you, I love you so much! <3 <3 <3
Thanks so much for sharing this. It is so hard to sit with the feelings. I experience it on the other side, just eat to avoid the feelings. I should sit in my car when I am feeling that anxiety, that edge, that need to stuff. Yes, I know it well, it is hard to sit through.
amazing…I am speechless & will email you seperatly.
Way to go, Tara! You should be proud of yourself!!
I can’t begin to tell you how much respect I have for you for posting this.
Letting us in on a post this powerful is just……nothing short of amazing.
I’ll be back for more, I can tell you that.
(And congrats on your 7 Day Chip!)
Thank you for sharing so honestly and vulnerably. I admire your commitment to yourself, and your ability to work through your thoughts and emotions. Really moving and powerful post – thank you…
T – no one knows how to share the tough stuff like you do.
You are so brave and full of courage – and you are getting wise to those old behaviors and figuring out exactly how to squash it. Its still a process, its still hurty and deep – but man are we ever figuring this stuff out little by little.
45 days until the we hug it out in V-City!!
Oh man. This is my second only ever post that I have read and I just want to cry. Thank you for sharing that. And kudos to you for your honesty.
I love you…and I’m so proud of your “win”.
[…] Even with this kind of day. […]
I am so proud of you. I’ve been fighting this battle and I know how important this victory was. It’s a brutal and harsh reality, and I’m not the only one who is fighting. Teenagers aren’t the only ones with these problems. Thank you so much for sharing. Thank you.
[…] you went out and made yourself more of an athlete than you ever dreamed. Even on days you feel like giving in and giving up you realize there is perfection in your […]
The first time I read this post, I cried because it resonated with me so strongly. Now I go back and read it about once a week, because it gives me hope and reminds me that I too can be stronger than a disease. Thank you for sharing this extremely powerful message.
Also, congratulations with your success so far! You are an incredible woman, and I love watching the ways you are changing your life!
I understand what you feel. I myself suffered from bulimia and felt the same feelings you are experiencing. Fortunately I managed my way out of bulimia and recovered from it. I know had this passion to help other people overcome and recover from bulimia. I know the big importance of a support group and some one who can talk to share your emotions about the eating disorder. Read my bulimia story and how I managed my way out at http://www.bulimiafree.com/ or Bulimia Free Life