Did you see that light bulb go off above my head?
You know the one that goes off when you either have an awesome idea or when you come to a realization of some grand proportion? I’m not one for awesome ideas so I’m going to chalk this particular light bulb episode to another epiphany of sorts. This one came when I was staring at the bowl of Halloween candy getting emptier and emptier and not one trick or treater had yet to knock on my door.
It went down something like this:
I’d just gone to Costco and stocked up on good healthy food options (where I also aimlessly walked up and down the aisles eating all the samples I can get my hands on). I don’t want to eat anymore so I eat a banana in hopes its going to fill me up enough to keep me from eating more. I stop at another store for smaller items (where I also buy a bagel and chop on that and realize that I am eating passed being full: I’m taking deep breaths in between bites). I’m finally home, in the kitchen trying to get my lunch together for the next day (today) and in between mouthfuls of cottage cheese and grapes, I’m also popping bite size tootsie rolls, charleston chews, dots and smarties.
I say out loud:
“I can’t wait for Halloween to be over so I can get rid of this damn candy”
My next thought:
Wow, tomorrow is November 1st.
For my entire adult life November has always been the worst month of the year. It is the anniversary of my mother’s death as well as her birthday. My mother died November 6th of 1990. Her birthday is November 19th. It’s never an easy month to get through. Depression sets in more than normal and lingers until the first of the year. This time last year I weighed 270 pounds and ate without any thought to what I was putting in my mouth. This time last year I was playing World of Warcraft multiple hours on weekdays and spending entire weekends sitting in one position trying to find some reality in an unrealistic game. This is how I dealt with November: by not dealing with it.
This year is NOT last year.
This year is NOT the last 20 years of my life since my mother died.
I miss her more than ever this year. I want to tell her that I’m okay. I want to tell her that despite the tools she didn’t have I am finally living my life the way it was meant to be lived. I want her to put her arms around me and tell me that she’s proud of me for taking control. I want her to apologize for what she lacked in parental skills. I want to walk around the block with her and hold her hand and tell her that I love her and that despite the hardships I turned out okay and even better than okay. I want her to stand with me at a starting line, put her palms on my face, kiss my forehead and tell me to run like the wind. I want her to be there when I cross over a finish line and hug me and tell me that I’m the fastest runner out there.
Here I am again at the beginning of November and find myself resorting to old behaviors.
But this year is different.
I am aware.
As soon as I had that epiphany a calm washed over me.
I still want to eat but I have a few new tools in my toolbox this year: Knowledge and Understanding. I didn’t have them last year. I didn’t have them for the last 20. Not having these tools got me to 270 pounds. Not having them got me severe depression, anxiety and fear of living. Not having them kept me from taking control and moving forward. Not having them made me the walking dead..
Now I am the walking living.
We’ll see what November brings as I remember it’s been 21 years since I’ve seen her alive and as I wonder what she would look like had she lived to see what would be her 72nd birthday. We’ll see what November brings as I finally go through what is usually the hardest month of the year equipped with what every person should have:
A tool box full of understanding and knowledge.
Oh, friend, this is BIG stuff. THIS is the stuff that this journey is made of. Losing the weight is tough enough, but doing this kind of emotional work is really where the rubber meets the road. I am sending you medium-distance (since we don’t live that far apart!) hugs and support as you work your way through this difficult month. And I am SO proud of you for this realization and for putting it out there. You know if you ever need anything I can give, I’m just a text/e-mail/phone call away!
How do we miraculously keep doing this? We keep magically finding these points on the road at the precise moments we need them the most. I know you know how HUGE these lightbulb moments are because we’re doing this together right now. I’m in awe of the two of us realizing this very big and very important stuff exactly when we seem to need to.
You already said it – you already see the power that is in the realization alone. That is indeed the biggest thing right there – just knowing it, understanding it. You have the strength, the knowledge and the power to make this an incredible November – your most incredible November yet. A November to celebrate how far you’ve come and show your Mom from wherever it may be that she’s seeing you exactly how good things are.
I’m with Val – my love and support may come from farther away, but its here for you every step, just like I know you’re in my corner, I’ve got yours covered too – anytime!
GIG HUGS Tara…do you think it’s possible to give yourself the things you wish your Mom could give you? Although my mother is still alive, I’ve had to learn how to give myself the things I wish she could give me but for some reason can not. My compassion for myself has grown into compassion for the unhealed woman that she is. Your compassion is so great…I feel it oozing through the computer. You’ve got everything you need kiddo!!
big big lightbulb moment.
IMO (and Im not a counselor though Ive got the masters degree :)) it IS possible to mother ourselves.
to give ourselves what we wished we’d received and change our inner child.
First of all, I’m so so sorry that you are missing your mom so much.
Secondly, you are so right, this Halloween is NOT last Halloween or the one before, etc. You are a new person. You are a changed person! You have the skills to deal with all of this now.
The last few months of the year are always hard for me as well… I mean we have all of the holidays, and traditionally I bake gobs and gobs of cookies for gifts – even after my weight loss I still do. It seems like we miss our loved ones even more during the holidays – I’ll be remembering my dad who passed from prostate cancer 9 years ago. Then there are the stresses, the family to deal with, and for me this year we are trying unsuccessfully to also have a baby. ARGH! Its a lot. A LOT! So you are not alone at all. I know I remind myself to slow down in the midst of it all and take a HUGE breath. Then I repeat, “Eating it will NOT change my life… NOT eating it will.”
I’m not your mother, but I’m A mother, so it counts.
I’m proud of you for taking control. I’m proud of you for loving yourself enough to take care of yourself, and better yourself by looking at your issues and working on them.
This month will still be hard, but I know you will make it through.
Run like the wind, my dear.
*hugs* I’m so sorry.
I too lost my mom in 1990 … it’s still hard, even after all this time. This year hit me especially hard; twenty years seems so surreal.
I’m where you were at this time last year … still looking for the tools. Thank you for giving me a little hope that I may yet find them. Thank you for your honesty and courage in posting what you’ve posted here.
I agree with the comments above about how we have to give ourselves what we didn’t get from our mothers. In fact that was recently a big lightbulb moment of my own … I was thinking about how my life might be different if there had been one voice back then telling me good things about myself … and then I sat up and said, HEY, who says that voice can’t be my own? If I would have believed those things coming from her … why can’t I believe them coming from myself?
Sorry, I don’t know where I am going with this 🙂 This post just really struck a nerve with me and I wanted to say hi and let you know that you’re not alone.