This is where I am right now.
I don’t have much to say except it’s difficult getting out of bed and making sense of what I’m trying to do in my day to day living. Thoughts are sporadic and I am in the middle of a full blown emotional out of control, downward spiral upheaval.
Behaviors I believed under control are hiding behind the shadows waiting for me to give in and give in is just what I feel like I’ve been doing. Binging and purging. Crying non stop. Unable to look into the eyes of the person trying to understand what is happening inside my body, my brain. Stuck to where my feet are standing and unable to move.
I think I need to take a break from all that is outside and focus on what is inside. Shut the door on the life trying to move forward beyond my reach and sit with the person that is shoving herself so far into the corner she feels invisible. I want to hear that this will get better or that this wave of emotions will pass but instead I need to just sit where I am and acknowledge that like that picture I am in that place.
That place of pain.
That place of uncertainty.
That place of fear.
That place of confusion.
I try to explain what it feels like and all I can see are waves crashing over me as I flail my arms aimlessly trying to stay above the water hoping to catch my breath. I try to explain what it feels like to be in my skin and all I can picture is a small room flooded with light that hurts my eyes and is hot on my skin. No matter how far I shove myself into a corner or how many layers of anything I can get my hands on are thrown over my head the light still burns me and I can’t get away from it. The urge to pluck, scratch, pinch, poke and hit are so overwhelming because I need a focal point to my emotions and when I give in the focal point stays for just a moment before the cycle begins again.
This fucking journey hurts. This feeling of “I so have this” only to kick my own legs out from under me and laugh as I watch myself writhe in emotional darkness. I point my own finger in my face and with authority tell myself I will never be one of them. I will never be good enough to make a difference. I smother a pillow over my head and whisper “stay down where you belong. Let other people come along and do what you think you were meant to do but know deep in your heart you can never do“.
I need some time in my own head. To sit quietly next to the burning lights or to float and let the waves crash over me emotionally. I need to slow down and look where my feet are moving and when they are stuck standing, waiting, and wondering where to go next to gently wrap my arms around my shoulder and point the way to better places.
The comments are closed and if you have been here for a while you know this is a rare occasion. I know those of you that come here regularly would leave me some words of encouragement or tell me that you have been in this same place. It’s not the words of others I need to hear.
It’s the words of inside I need to listen for.