Top 50 Most Inspirational Tweeps for 2012

I sat staring at this picture for a long time today.

“Once again Mamavation has had the honor to put out the Top 50 Most Influential Healthy Tweeps. This list is different than before. This year all decisions were handled in a panel with Mamavation Leadership members and Diets In Review. Thank you to everyone who nominated their favorites. We split the list in 5 parts: Fitness, Food, Weight Loss, Inspiration & Activism.

I never thought I’d end up on that list. I’m just a person who back at the end of 2009 decided that being morbidly obese and living in an isolated shell of a body was no longer an option. Deep down inside I knew there was more. I felt it in my heart. I could do more. I didn’t have to settle for weighing 270 pounds and playing World of Warcraft for upwards to 8 hours a day. I didn’t have to accept that I would rather eat a pint of ice cream, a bag of chips and channel surf than get up and move like my life depended on it. I didn’t have to hang my head in self shame as I looked in the mirror and felt the stirring of “don’t be afraid to take control Tara” while I let the screams of “You’re a failure and you can’t now and never will” drown me out over and over again.

I drew a line.

Enough was enough.

I lost the weight. I ended my marriage to Mitch. I gave up everything I’d ever known to be safe to tread into uncharted waters of what has now become something most people can’t even begin to imagine. Morbidly obese to athlete. Out of breath walker to multiple marathoner. Girl to mostly Boy. Dead to absolute Alive. Undeserving of Love to understanding I AM LOVED.

In the process I began a blog and twitter account. I was thrilled the first time I got 100 hits in a month and when my follower count went from single to double digits. I fear of “no one would understand” began to fade as people reached out with “thank you for sharing” and “I felt all alone until I read your blog“. On days it was difficult to hit publish, my final thought always turned to “if I’m feeling this then so is someone else” and I’ve never been proven wrong.

To Inspire.

To Encourage.

To Move Forward

So That Others May Follow

To Move Forward

To Encourage.

To Inspire.

I’m humbled by this list. I lay my head in my hands and wonder “why me”? I let the tears fall as my thoughts turn to people who are far more deserving. I fight the urge to berate myself as a hypocrite as my struggles to move forward are still as difficult today as they were back at the beginning of this journey. Struggles of gender, of self love and acceptance, of maintaining this body that still feels morbidly obese some days, of questioning the notion of “I can’t” with “I would rather fail a million times knowing I tried than die giving up on myself”.

I love you.

In times when you feel like no one believes in you; I believe. In times when you feel like you’re a failure; I only see success. In times when you think no one understands; I have a shoulder for you to lean on. In times when you just think you can’t; I’m here to prove you wrong.

I love me.

Back in 2009 I drew a line. On one side was a life filled with depression and feeling undeserving of taking control and moving forward. A life becoming more filled with doubt and self hatred as I filled out clothing that read “size 24” and xxl. On the other side: Me. Waiting for my old self to just take that one small step to the other side.

It’s beautiful here.

I will never go back.

Life will never be the way it was.

I know this to be the truth.

I will die fighting.

For me.

For you.