Up and running…

Things are up and running.

More figuratively than literally speaking.

I’m taking a long deep breath (remember that “practice breathing” I talked about in the last post?) and sending out a heart felt thank you to my friend Nicole (“Nugget”) who after reading that last blog post so graciously reached out and offered to help me with the bloggy mess that had become ALifeChangingJourney (dot) what the hell happened to all my freaking pictures, omg I’m totally going to rip my hair out and never blog again (com).

Slowly but surely (and more SURELY than slowly thanks to her expertise) she discovered that close to three. entire. years. of photos (that’s right my friends I said three years; 2010 – 2012) had somehow disappeared.

Don’t ask how, cause I don’t know.

And if she could explain it to me in a way I could understand, I still wouldn’t know. She put on her “I’m wicked smart” outfit, Superman Cape, and her “Stand back, this is for the professionals” badge thinking cap and in a few short days not only had she figured out what happened, she got *most* of the pictures to their rightful blog posts AND moved my blog to another hosting site (one that she can keep a close eye on just. in. case. this happens again).

I’ve spent a little time putting my progress pictures back up and over the next few weeks going through the posts with a fine tooth comb and trying to upload all the missing pictures that I couldn’t locate for Nugget. The main thing was my progress pictures and now that’s back up and running (again more figuratively than literally) so to me all is right in my little blogging world.

I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about Life lately.

(cause that’s what I do).

Always in a constant state of “I’m not good enough” or “I’m not fast enough” or “There is no way in H.E. Double Hockey Sticks I can (insert some event here)” I find myself reacting in ways that keep me from moving forward in ways that I deserve to move. This Half Ironman training has taught me a lot about who I am as a morbidly obese turned athlete person. I’m so focused on the training that I’m NOT doing I forget about the training that I AM doing. With the move to the new place in full force (and now “technically” over except for a few boxes left to unpack) my training has *officially* taken a back seat. I realize that I’m too exhausted to maintain the training/working/moving schedule that I have been trying to maintain for the last few weeks. My body is run down. It wants to sleep more than run. It wants to rest more than swim and it definitely wants to chill out more than it wants to bike.

And I’m okay with that today.

(or at least trying to be okay).

There isn’t much time left before I hit the road and head to Mont Tremblant. Less than three weeks. It seemed like yesterday the little yellow time ticker over to the right was in the three digit numbers. That there was “time” to train. *BLINK*….17 DAYS????? Wait a minute? Can I get a do-over? More time? A little more sleep? How about a food plan that I can actually stick too?

Nothing?

This is where the self pep talks become more important than the long bike rides. Where the “you’re going to be okay Tara” take precedence over the 2200 meter swims and remembering that it’s not about wondering if I can run 13 miles after swimming / biking for close to four or five hours but trusting that my body has the endurance and when the endurance runs out, my heart and spirit will take over and take me over the finish line.

In the midst of all the working/packing/moving/unpacking/running/biking/swimming, the universe also stepped in and brought me an opportunity to get my hands up in the air (aka interpreting) a few times next week so those much coveted “long training days” are turning into opportunities for me to move to the best of my ability with what little time is available and remember why I do what I do: To save myself from a life of depression/obesity because no matter the time I put into leaving some sweat on the floor and the life of OLD I’m leaving  in it’s rightful place…

Behind me.

I can’t control Life. As much as I would like to take a lasso and reel that S.O.B. in and direct it down to the last minute (MYnute…MY life) detail I can’t. Am I thrilled to be working? Yes. Is it more of a physical toll than I was anticipating? Yes. Do I love training for Ironman? Yes (and never let me tell you otherwise cause it all honesty I’d be lying). Is it more of a physical toll than I was anticipating? Yes. Am I struggling to get my food under control dealing with both the new work life and training life? Yes. Do I let all of the things that are causing me to have doubts about my ability (in both work AND training) keep me from taking what small steps I can to keep moving forward?…

I don’t even need to answer that.

(you already know)

What I do control is how I react to all the “oh come on, you’ve got to be kidding me“, “can’t you give me a freaking break”, that is around me. I might be doubtful, but I will move forward. I might be fearful, but I will move forward. I might need to take a few moments (and by moments I mean minutes/hours/days) to stop in my tracks, look up and assess the current situation there will be forward movement following shortly.

This is by far the most challenging of all things I’ve set out to do. Though I suppose everything that I first set out to do was at the time the most challenging things I tried to accomplish. The first pound. The first 20 pounds. The first 50 and subsequently the entire 120 pounds. The first mile. The first 5k. The first half marathon and subsequently the first marathon. The first sprint tri, the first olympic tri and subsequently the first half Ironman just over 2 weeks away.

The unknown is challenging and life ahead of us is all about the unknown.  Can I lose the weight? Can I move in ways never imagined? Can I swim/bike/run for a total of 70.3 miles? I know the answers to the first two questions but there was a time I didn’t know. Life got in the way with it’s damn obstacles but I’ve yet to throw my hands up in the air and move off to the sidelines. I won’t react to the unknown like I used to in the past. Hiding. Feeling undeserving. Never trying for fear of failure. Always wondering and denying myself the opportunity to try and reach for what I thought was impossible so that I could see that in me all things are possible…

No matter what life throws at me.