Last week was a tough week.
Because of some serious pain in my feet, I choose to skip two scheduled runs. I ran a total of 12 miles and that 4 mile marker over there is from a long day of walking in hopes of keeping my feet stretched out so I could run again the following day.
I couldn’t.
I reached out to a good friend of mine, who lucky me not only plays a foot doctor on t.v. (and by t.v. I mean twitter/facebook) but is a podiatrist in real life. To know me is to know I have an extremely difficult time reaching out to people in times of physical or emotional need (and truth be told in times of not needing). Even writing the following sentences make me want to stop blogging and say hateful things to myself for asking for help…
It’s a long story as to why it’s debilitating to ask for help.
That’s another blog post.
I reached out and she reached back. Giving me lots of advice (and much needed love) and so I spent week #4 trying to take care of my feet that will carry me over the finish line of that first 26.2 in 14 weeks. Experiencing the pain this past week has been hard as I’m sure it’s hard on so many other people. For me its defeating. I begin to wonder what is the point of all this work if it’s just going to make me cry thinking about getting out of bed. I keep thinking that maybe I’ll just give up running even though there is a love that I can’t explain for it.
My brain goes off on so many tangents when I think about the possibility of not being able to run the way I would like. Not being able to become an ultra marathoner or breaking a sub 4 marathon. Running is the first thing I did that helped me truly believe in my ability to succeed. I try so hard not to get all freaking emo over the thought of not running because I’ve lived with this pain for so long and I know it comes and goes and right now I’m in a “it’s coming” phase. I didn’t run because of physical pain and now I’m having a hard time running again because of emotional pain…
I feel stupid for being so caught up emotionally in my running. I feel stupid for being caught up emotionally in this journey even though I’ve been on it for over two years. I know it’s a lifetime of learning, adjusting, listening, forgiving, accepting and moving forward but sometimes I wish I could just leave the emotions out of my thought process.
Emotionally I’ve been putting off doing a lot of things lately. I’ve been writing outside of this blog and intentionally have stopped because I’m afraid it won’t be good enough too scared to trust myself that what I have to say is important. I’ve been emotionally blocking my thought processes around food, ignoring triggers and intentionally putting things in my mouth that don’t do anything but cause me more angst.
Here’s the truth behind all of this:
I’m afraid to succeed.
While the pain is real in my feet, there’s more going on. I know it. I’m using pain as part of the excuse to keep me from doing what I want more than anything in this world: To be successful. A successful runner. Weight loss story. Motivator. Book writer. Anything that will bring me a sense of accomplishment is pushed away by my core belief that I can’t succeed in anything. Even this blog causes me angst as the number of readers go up, I feel a strong desire to just stop because I can’t be successful at anything.
While the outside world tells me that I have a lot to offer and am loved beyond even my own comprehension, I struggle to love all that is me. People reach out to me and I envelope them in words of comfort. I wrap them in thoughts of love and support and send them on their way with visions of kicking ass and taking names but at the end of the day I can’t even come up with three things I love about myself.
The closer I get to succeeding, the harder I fight to fail.
I spend hours thinking about all the things I’m doing “wrong” instead of thinking about all the thing I’m doing right. I spend hours trying to shield that little light inside of me that is kept going by what I hear and feel from those around me only to snuff it out with a few of my own hurtful thoughts. I feel like a tire that I continually fill with air, give it a good kick to ensure it’s inflated and before I drive off into the sunset confident of where I’m going, I shove a nail into the tire and wait for it to deflate.
My proverbial toolbox is filled to the brim with knowing how to dispense advice on self love. How to motivate people to get after what they deserve. To stand up and take control. To love the reflection in the mirror when all they want to do is scream at the eyes that look at them.
It’s time I start asking for those tools back. It’s time I start telling the truth about how I feel about myself. I don’t mean telling the world, I mean turning in towards myself and admitting that at the end of the day I’m not afraid to love…
But that I’m afraid to love me.
Running was literally the first thing I ever did that felt like an accomplishment. I remember thinking, “There’s no way in hell I can run for 3 minutes straight, let alone do multiple intervals. NOT GONNA HAPPEN.” And then I did it, and HOLY CRAP DID THAT JUST HAPPEN? I remember that feeling, and it makes me cry, because I’m not there right now.
I’m not there right now, I’m not running a 5k or a 10k or a 0.5k today because I hurt myself, and I let the pain defeat me. Not that I’m saying it’s bad to rest, because it’s imperative to let your body heal in the proper way. But I’m not there because I let it pull me under, I let it convince me that I hadn’t really run all those minutes, that I can’t really do it, EVEN THOUGH I ALREADY HAVE.
Old habits die hard, especially those habits in your head, the ones that tell you you’re not good enough to strong enough or fast enough or whatever enough. The one that says you’ll always fail? I’ve got that one too. I don’t know how to get rid of it, but I do know that the only, only, only way to make it shut up for a bit is to take that thing it says you can’t do and DO IT ANYWAY.
It’s not about motivation. It’s not even about loving yourself, not exactly. It’s about proving that you CAN do something, and you WILL do it, and that voice in your head can go fuck itself.
This is my first time visiting your site. WOW! I’m so impressed with your journey. You’ve already succeeded in so many ways! I can’t believe anything is holding you back (you sure don’t seem to let it!). I’m psyched to see that you are speaking at FitBloggin. I hope to be there too!
Thanks for sharing this very honest post. You already have succeeded so much. Just keep doing it!
One of the things I love about you is your ability to write with heart wrenching honesty. You don’t self edit and work with drafts, you put it out there just like therapy. And I see the difference it makes. For you (and for us). Thank you for continuing to be honest with yourself (and with me). And for loving me the way I need to love myself. We are works in progress and we will keep on working (happily together). xo #lawn
Just read this at work. Took everything I had not to burst into loud, snotty sobbing. I so recognize this. And damn, my feet hurt too. A LOT. Agh.
Oh friend. I wish you could see yourself the way we who love you see you. So I guess all I’ll say for now is that we will keep loving you until you can learn to love yourself…and then we’ll keep loving you after that, too!