www.azuzephre.net
Sometimes when I least expect it, the universe drops a message so strong I can’t help but put my fingers to a keyboard and set out on a path of making sense of what I’m supposed to be learning.
The other day I was feeling sorry for myself.
I know, I know not much of a surprise. I’ve been trying to pull myself together having to put Meegan on a plane after being married for barely a week and being so clueless about how this whole “Move to Canada” process works, how long it’s going to take, how many trips will need to be planned before I can pack up Dusty and head East.
My world (as I currently have assembled it) has come down to a laptop, a logitech camera, Skype, the small confines of how far my computer cord will reach and where the closest outlet to where I am is located. This means I spend a lot of time sitting on my bed staring into the face of the person I wish more than anything I could physically touch. There are days that are awesome (think international dates consisting of bottles of wine, shared meals, fancy cheeses and hours looking at cakewrecks together).
www.azuzephre.net
Then there are days not so awesome.
I get lonely. I get frustrated. I get sad. I get angry. I get so jumbled up with emotions and not really knowing how to talk about them coherently I shut down. I start to talk to myself in such a negative way I wouldn’t even know the first step in trying to talk about how I’m feeling because I can’t hear myself through all the “Tara, your feelings are stupid” and the “Tara, seriously you’re like the biggest baby ever” and let’s not forget the “Tara, no one cares about your feelings“.
I’m prone to shutting down when I can’t get a grasp on my emotions (and by emotions I mean the ones that cause me pain: sadness, anxiety, angst, fear…you know the one’s I’m talking about) because I truly believe that I am not as important as the person standing next to me and that my inability to express how I’m feeling will inevitably cause people to not want to be with me which would complete the emotional hamster wheel of “eventually everyone will abandon me” that I’ve been on for most of my life.
www.azuzephre.net
Not too long ago I had one of those days.
Okay I’ve had several
It’s hard not to get emotional when what you want more than anything is a hug from the person that brings comfort to your life and you’re stuck staring at them through a computer screen. It doesn’t take long for operation “Shut down” to be in full force and once again I find myself in an emotional upheaval and not knowing how to talk about it because as soon as it starts to build, I convince myself that if I open my mouth the verbal vomit I need to spill is unworthy of being heard.
After staring at the face looking back at me hoping for answers to questions I don’t know how to ask, we both agree I need to go outside and get some fresh air. It’s almost painful to leave the laptop behind these days because it’s all I have until I know concretely what my next step is to being over there instead of over here. However, I know from being on this Life Changing Journey that when you’re slipping into emotional instability you also slip into self-deprecation which is never a good path to travel. So off I go to find some coffee and watch people aimlessly wander by me in hopes of clearing my mind and getting a grasp on my emotions…
www.azuzephre.net
Sitting outside, sad but grateful for the fresh air, I over hear the conversation of two women sitting a few tables down from me. It’s hard not to hear what they are talking about since they are animated and loud and sort of invading my personal pity party. One of them is about as pitiful looking as I’m sure I’m feeling and also looking. You can see her eyes start to water and the tears well up as her friend starts to console her:
- “You deserve better”
- “You’ll get over this”
- “You need to take care of yourself”
- “You live what you believe”
- “You need to change your truth”
Excuse me?
Is she talking to her friend or has the universe placed this stranger and her heart-broken friend next to me because this is really what I need to hear and wouldn’t have had the ability to listen if someone was talking directly to me?
You (I) live what you (I) believe.
www.azuzephre.net
You (I) need to change your (my) truth.
It’s not okay that this is my truth. It’s not okay that after spending the last 20 months of my life, rebuilding a body physically and learning to love the space between the very top of my head to the very bottom of my feet that I still feel emotionally undeserving of being listened too, being heard and more importantly giving myself a chance to change the emotional truth of Old Tara and find the emotional Truth of New Tara. Sharing the intimate parts of my fears, frustrations, confusions and downright sadness begins the process of understanding that when I begin to feel the angst of abandonment it’s not because it is what’s going to happen, but rather what I believe is going to happen.
Changing one’s truth isn’t easy.
Knowing that in order to change my truth I have to do something very out of character is scary (and again the hamster wheel spins even writing this blog post) but I am willing to try. Already plans are in place for when operation “Shut Down” has been issued by Old Tara. Instead of staring at a computer screen in times of angst, I’m (with the help of a stern but kind push) doing little things like leaving the room and continuing the conversation via text because it’s easier for me talk about my feelings when I’m not looking at someone trying to read their body language (which I’m getting wrong 99% of the time…). Instead of hours being spent sitting on a bed staring blankly into a computer screen waiting for the magic teleport machine to be invented, built and delivered, events are being planned that can still take place from 4000 miles away (seriously you should try international movie date / cake date / picnic date) but feel like we’re close together.
www.azuzephre.net
I don’t know if I’ll ever get over this fear of abandonment. This belief that my feelings aren’t important enough. The old truth that what I say isn’t worth listening too. I don’t know if I’ll ever finally jump off that hamster wheel I’ve come so accustom to riding as it spins round and round, but I’m at a place in my life I’m willing to try.
I’m sure I know someone will be there if I fall.
Take some time to think about your own truths. Are they the ones of the new you? The truths that help you step forward as you embark on your own Life Changing Journey? Or are they the truths of old? The truths of “I can’t”, “I’ll never be able too” or “what’s the point”? Are they the truths of new discoveries and understanding of yourself or are they the truths of feeling undeserving of love. Whatever those truths are remember one very important thing:
You live what you believe.
I believe in our love.
I will always be here when you fall, just as I know you’re there to catch me when I fall.
We’re building trust like neither of us has ever known. In ourselves and in each other.
We’ll live it and believe it.
Its a good thing you’re stuck with me.
xo
This post hit me hard. Square in the chest, and has left me breathless. Thank you for your openness, and honesty, and for being the brick I think the universe needed me hit with.
I also wanted to say how happy I am for you and Meegan. Your love story is nothing short of amazing and inspiring. And I wish you both all of the happiness that your hearts can hold. 🙂
Great post Tara, thanks for writing it. We do live what we believe.
I’ve been sending your recent posts to my sister who is in a long distance relationship with her boyfriend for over a year now. She’s in agony… and each day she will “word vomit” to me about how sad and depressed and jealous and [insert emotion here]. And each day my heart aches for her. Her pain is my pain.
You remind me of her. Or I should say (cause she’s younger) She reminds me of you. And before I go on and on about how much I love her (cause trust me I could go on and on) I want to remind you that there are those who care. Like I do for her… and you (for that matter).
What she said today after i sent this post to her:
DubyaSis: geez
DubyaSis: she needs to get outta my head
I say this to prove to you that “I believe that people don’t care about how I’m feeling” is false. We don’t live alone. We share our lives with others and I hope knowing that you’ve virtually “touched someone’s heart” today brings you comfort, and a sense of community. You’re not alone.
P.S. love the cute jpgs.
You know what? I have to believe that we never, 100% “get over” anything…BUT!! We do learn to catch ourselves sooner so we don’t spiral down into the deep, dark morass. We learn to love those parts of us that are, at best, quirky and, at worst, totally annoying to ourselves and others, even others who love us unconditionally. It still totally sucks when we’re IN those moments, but we know better. We can do better. I’ve recently been revisiting my deep, dark morass and and now spiraling my way back up and out of it…I caught myself pretty dark quick, too. I am proud of myself. And I am proud of you too.
Tara, when I read about the hamster wheel spinning around I had a strange visual of a merry-go-round. Turn your hamster wheel on it’s side and start pushing your merry-go-round faster and faster. Then jump on, hang on and laugh with joy as all of the negatives go flying off from the force of the spinning. There are so many people you’ve touched, and they’re here to catch you if you fall.
[…] has come in the form of a blog post by Tara where she, in her wonderful way, talked openly about her feelings about knowing your […]
Gdammit, Tara; yet again, you manage to put out there all that I am trying to deal with myself- coulnd’t have said it better myself…….especially this one- “After staring at the face looking back at me hoping for answers to questions I don’t know how to ask” and this one “The truths that help you step forward as you embark on your own Life Changing Journey? Or are they the truths of old? The truths of “I can’t”, “I’ll never be able too” or “what’s the point”? Are they the truths of new discoveries and understanding of yourself or are they the truths of feeling undeserving of love. Whatever those truths are remember one very important thing:
You live what you believe.”
I really hate this phrase, but dammit Tara, YOU ROCK!!!!!
Thanks for saying what I can’t seem to say or communicate, thank you
This post took my breath away – consider it to be a message to me from the universe. Thank you.
“…the emotional hamster wheel of “eventually everyone will abandon me” that I’ve been on for most of my life.”
YES. Just yes.