Okay let me preface this post with the ever popular hashtag #YouCan’tCryAndDoJumpingJacks. For those of us in the know we know what that means and for those of us NOT in the know a) you should have been in the know b) it means you’re about to say/do/blog something very personal and leaves the person feeling vulnerable.
“But Tara, your blog is always so personal”
Yes, this is in fact a true statement. My life (the before, during, and life long after) is among the 369 posts I’ve written since the inception of what started out as 263andcounting then slowly transitioning to A Life Changing Journey. Nothing has been left out. However I don’t talk much about the after effects of what losing 110 pounds can look like on a body that to most of us looks fit…athletic…strong.
But first a little background on why I am doing this particular post on this particular day.
#WHATSBEAUTIFUL
(feel free to click that link, I’ll wait)
You see Under Armour for Women has this ridiculously delicious campaign happening right now about setting a goal and crushing the holy loving crap out of it. If you know me then you know a) I love setting physical goals and b) I love crushing the holy loving crap out of them. I’m no stranger to seeing what I thought was impossible and fighting tooth and nail (and blood and sweat) to find the possible. I thought losing 110 pounds would be impossible. I thought lifting weights would be impossible. I thought running for more than a few minutes would be impossible…
and in all of those things I found that I’Mpossible
I thought a long time about what would be that “goal” I wanted to set. That goal I wanted to crush the ever loving holy mother of all that is pure out of. Would it be losing more weight? Would it be lifting heavier? Would it be running longer? Then I saw a blog post written by Krystle over at My Skinny Jeans Dreams and she floored me. Confession: I walk around with the same perception of people I see on the streets as I’m sure people make of me when I too am walking down that street. I don’t really know her. I only know her from the little time we had together a few weeks ago. I didn’t know her in the before or in the during. I only know her from her after and I made assumptions that because she “looked so damn fit” she had no idea what it was like to be obese…
And from her I’ve found my #whatsbeautiful.
You see I don’t have a problem with finding those physical goals.
I have a problem with the acceptance goals.
So here we go…
At 270 pounds there were certain words I never thought would become a part of my vocabulary. I was used to saying things like “Massive Multiplayer Online Role Playing Games” “World of Warcraft” “I’ll take a supersize number 3 with a diet coke” “Let’s stay home and watch t.v.” “Are you going to eat that?”
Runner.
Triathlete.
Athletic.
These are words that define me now and I had to work hard to earn
EVERY
SINGLE
ONE
But I spend a lot of time looking at what I think is not beautiful and continually beating myself up emotionally and physically because of the “scars” left behind from being morbidly obese. Loose skin has always plagued me and while some people would look at it as battle wounds from a hard fought war I still find it extremely difficult to look at and even more difficult to share. So my goal for the #whatsbeautiful campaign is to not focus on a physical goal because there is nothing I don’t think I can accomplish when it comes to raising the proverbial bar. Instead I’m focusing on an emotional goal:
Accepting me for all of me.
I’m smiling because the first time Meegan took this picture she said “you look so sad”. Truth is I am sad about my skin. It’s a daily reminder of what I allowed myself to do to my body and how while I was trying to fill my stomach and stretch my skin to capacity I was truly empty on the inside. But I know that the loose skin is a product of the love and trust I found in myself that I didn’t have to continue to living in a world of darkness. That I could find the light. That I deserved to leave sweat on the floor and look in the mirror and say “Tara, you are strong both inside and out. Go after what you want and know that you deserve it”
There may be loose skin but with it come beautiful strong muscles.
As an endurance runner I’ve had to come to terms with trying to build a relationship with my foam roller. I won’t lie I hate it but not only because it hurts to use on my sore muscles after a long run or a particularly hard work out but because when I foam roll I see loose skin.
This picture is hard to see just what I’m talking about but trust me it’s there and it is always pointing it’s ugly proverbial finger at me. Reminding me that at one point in my life my thighs were so big I couldn’t sit comfortably in a “normal” sized chair. Anything that had arms on the side would cut into my legs leaving indentations and red marks as a further reminder of how I was abusing my body. I spent a lot of time wearing sweat pants at the gym because even though my legs were getting stronger and muscle definition was happening I couldn’t get past the skin. But I know that the loose skin is a product of the commitment I’ve made to make my body strong, my heart stronger and to believe that every time I step up to that starting line I deserve to cross the finish line.
There may be loose skin when I foam roll but these legs have carried me across more finish lines in the last 2 years than most people will see in a lifetime.
(insert long deep breath)
Give me weights and I will lift them. Give me a distance and I will run it. Ask me to do a plank and it just about kills me. Yes they are hard to do and when I started I couldn’t go for more than a few seconds, but the reason it kills me? Because of the weight I feel pulling as my skin falls away from my body and hangs in what I can only describe as a blob…
The legs I can deal with. The arms I can deal with. But this is where the acceptance part gets hard for me. This will never go away. Yes I know that surgery is an option but in the long run I don’t think it’s worth the pain and suffering of recovery (nor the length of time it would take before I could lift heavy stuff and run long distances). This skin and I do not have a good relationship. I pinch it, I pull it, I cry over it. I stand in the mirror and flex my strong arms. I stand in the mirror and flex my strong legs. I stand in the mirror and stare at my loose stomach skin. When I do anything that requires me to bend over I instinctively touch my stomach and feel the soft pliable skin hanging informing me that because my body used to be morbidly obese, this will be my life long reminder. But I know that the loose skin is a product of the thousands of crunches, mountain climbers, sit ups and yes the planks that make my core strong. The very core that helps me to lift heavy and to run far. The core that allows me to stand firmly and proclaim to not only myself but to those around me that nothing is impossible.
There may be loose skin but this plank looks good!!!
This goal of acceptance won’t happen over night. Hell, it probably won’t happen over the course of October and this campaign, but I will continue to practice loving all of me. I will continue to remind myself that the reason the skin is the way it is, is because one day at the end of 2009 I decided enough was enough. I started this Life Changing Journey at 270 pounds not able to run, not able to lift heavy weights, hell not able to even walk up a flight of stairs without being out of breath. My skin is the result of love, determination and the will to believe I deserve to go after the person I was meant to be.
That to me is astoundingly beautiful.
I want to thank Under Armour for the opportunity to participate in this campaign. I encourage all of you to take a few minutes and think about what you want to write in that box that asks you to “type goal here” and then set about crushing the holy living mother of all that is pure hell out of it.
Be it physical.
Be it emotional.
CRUSH IT!
The #whatsbeautiful campaign is different for everyone. Here are some fellow bloggers who are also revealing some of their goals during the month of October: Savory Thyme, Little B’s Healthy Habits, Just Keep Sweating, Itty Bits of Balance, Mommy Run Fast, Jess Runs.
Standard FTC disclosure: FitFluenital LLC compensated me for this campaign. All opinions are my own.
You are courageous and brave and ass-kickingly-AWESOME.
I know this and I can so easily accept all of you and love all of you be so proud of who you are and what you’ve been through and where you’ve come from to be with me today.
But ask me to turn around and do the same for myself and my lose skin, and the weigh that comes back, and the things I can’t do. It feels impossible sometimes. And then you.
Beautiful handsome you.
You remind me every day that it is possible.
Our acceptance of each other moves our self-acceptance forward.
Love. ACCEPT. Want. Need.
Great post. Those of us still carrying signs of our former bodies can relate to.
AWESOME post as usual….I will have to check out the #whatsbeautiful campaign…While you were working on your physical…I was working on the emotional and accepting the under my skin…NOW I am headed into the physical as the goal….
Funny, in reading your post, I realize that I CAN DO THIS…and what’s beautiful is I FINALLY know I deserve to take care of myself physically…
so…I am ready to follow your lead now…one tiny walk at a time…xoxo
I don’t usually make comments this long so I apologize in advance but of course this is close to my heart. Tara, I love your posts but I love Meegan’s comments to you just as much. Having lost 200 lbs (well 191 these days) believe me I know about loose skin. I also know surgery doesn’t fix everything, for some it fixes more but for me it still left a lot (my stomach after 2 body lifts looks almost like yours) and then I’m also left with many scars. Anyway, my point is whatever process/road we have to take for ourselves is really tough when it comes to self acceptance.
Maybe something I read not that long ago by a guy named marc david will help though it’s basically what Meegan has already said:
Being Loved – a practitioner that I’m mentoring recently complained that she knows she supposed to love her body as it is, and she knows that it would be best to accept her body exactly where it’s at, but no matter how hard she tries, she just doesn’t love her body and lives in constant self-criticism. I suggested to her that she was right, and it probably was too hard for her to love her body. I postulated that sometimes, we just cannot do things alone. We need to call in the reinforcements. I knew she was married, and upon previous questioning I knew that her husband loved her body and wanted more of it, so I suggested that if she can’t love her body, then let her beloved spouse take over for a while. He was up for the task, nothing was in his way, and I was serious about this. The body needs to be loved, but not exclusively by the one who inhabits it. So if you just can’t seem to love your body as it is, try to find someone who can and see what happens.
This hit home with me because goodness knows Mike and I have been through it together. He has loved me fat, with LOTS of loose skin, through 2 major surgeries to try to remove it, having to even wipe my rear end when I wasn’t allowed to move my arms lol. Definitely an over share there lol but my point is sometimes just letting someone else love us and trying to see ourselves through their eyes is a big help in our own self acceptance.
Anyway, I’m sure you and Meegan will find self acceptance because you both know how to “CRUSH IT” and you have each other on this journey of life. So good luck with your #whatsbeautiful challenge I look forward to reading all you come up with about self acceptance.
I want to rewrite something and I can’t now, sometimes things don’t come out how I mean them to. When I see your body I don’t see what you see. When I saw you at fitbloggin I thought man she is so buff, she looks terrific. I felt envious of your muscles and great legs. On a side note I also thought Meegan looked great because that’s the part about looking in from the outside. Our loved ones and others see all the good things we so often don’t see in ourselves. So when I say my stomach looks like yours (well yours actually looks better) I’m actually proud to say that because as you wrote often we see the “after” and don’t know what the other person has been through. Anyway, I’ve talked to much and hopefully you know what I am trying to say in my 10000 words of ramble.
Tara, this is THE most beautiful of all the What’sBeautiful posts I’ve read. Please don’t ever stop writing; you have so much to teach us all!
Tara,
You are an amazing woman, and this post just pushes you that much further into the AWESOME atmosphere. The courage you display every single day is amazing. Just know that others see you in a wonderful light. However, as amazing as we all see you, none of us hold a candle to how Meegan sees you.
You are her light, and that is evident every single time I read both your blogs. I’ve only had the pleasure of actually meeting you in person once (would like to change that 🙂 ) but your love for each other is palpable but so is your amazing spirit.
You, Tara are #whatsbeautiful
I love this- Acceptance as a goal! Yes! YES! That is a hard one yet it is so simple. It’s the process of coming to terms that we can accomplish more than we can dream to do. Yet accepting ourselves means that we get to embrace both our vulnerabilities, our fears of been rejected or been seen for who we are, yet that is the most beautiful thing to witness.
Thank you for your honesty. Your share. Your inspiration! xoxo Laura
So happy I found your blog!!! I’m a fan already 😉
This took my breath away with love, admiration and awe. I love you so much, Tara. And it came at a perfect time for me. I’ve been doing the #yogaaday challenge and noticed in one of my pics I’ve got the arm skin thing going on, and it ALMOST made me not post it. And not participate in the challenge. But I decided that what was beautiful was trying to do something that makes me very uncomfortable (yes! Yoga does!) and photographing the results. I continue to learn from you and be inspired by you every day. “My skin is the result of love, determination and the will to believe I deserve to go after the person I was meant to be.” Key word: DESERVE. Deep breath. Thank you. oxoxo
My first visit to your blog and what an awesome, inspiring post! It won’t be my last visit for sure!
You are so awesome Tara. I have always really related to you since I also started at 270#. Arbitrary, but true. Thank you for being so BRAVE and inspiring so many. I was so happy to get to meet you and Meegan at Fitbloggin’.
I. LOVE. YOU. Thank you for sharing your guts with the world. It is a scary thing. Your heart is so beautiful. Through your words I know the thoughts and fears I have make me NOT ALONE. Feeling not alone doesn’t take it all away but it sure helps to know I have “family” to turn to when I am scared, happy, celebrating, consoling. Joy in the journey!!
Tara @wortheveryounce
You? Are nothing short of amazing. You are truly one of the bravest people I know and I’m so proud and glad to know you.
Tara – thank you so much for putting this out there and sharing your heart with all of us. I think every one of your posts brings a tear to my eye. I’ve seen the hashtag and never once thought that the goal could be acceptance. It’s brilliant and a perfect example of whatsbeautiful. You could’ve written this post about me. I still see all those scars of losing weight. I hate to plank because of the skin on my stomach. I won’t run in just a sports bra. I won’t go to kickboxing because I hate how the skin on my thighs hangs when doing side kicks. I clearly need to work on acceptance too. Maybe someday I’ll get there.
Thank you. Thank you for writing this. I’m already fighting this battle and I’m no where near my goals. The extra skin on my thighs and breasts and arms anger, depress and revolt me. But it is a reminder of my battles won and that is beautiful.
Thank you.
I love being witness to beautiful women being loved. Especially by themselves. Get it girl.
Those, Tara, are your Superhero Wings and Waist Pouch of Awesome. That’s where you store your magical powers of self acceptance. I’m working on earning my very own set of wings.
Amazing post Tara. You are able to put into words so many thoughts that roll through my head. I find myself nodding in agreement as I am reading. Must work on my acceptance.
Tara, I’m so proud to call you my friend. You continue to inspire me. I can think of no better way to take on the #WhatsBeautiful campagin. Your light shines to all of us, even through any insecurities or doubts you may have. I’m so inspired that you’re challenging yourself to see that light, and to love the holy crap out of it. 😉
Awesome post! We did not meet at Fitbloggin but I was at your lunch table once…however, this is the first time I’ve actually read your blog. I also just went back and read your “about me” section — so inspiring. I am awe of all that you have done to change your life. Thanks for being willing to share it with the world!
Tara, I am so happy to know you and thankful that you allow us a glimpse into such a personal struggle. I didn’t see anything but your strength and smile and acceptance and love at Fitbloggin’. I didn’t see the loose skin because I was too busy being envious of your leg muscles and arms and tattoos. I saw a person who finished a 5k and then ran back to cheer for and encourage everyone else. THAT is what I see and think of when I think of you.
I don’t want to speak for everyone, but I’m pretttttty sure that we’re all here and willing to rally around you whatever way we can. You are an amazing person – inside and out – and my life has truly been enriched now that you’re in it!
You are amazing, That loose skin only serves as a reminder of how far you have come. You look great.
I am constantly amazed in life how we can find just what we need at exactly the right time. I just found you yesterday and today’s post is EXACTLY what’s been on my mind lately. I’ve lost a little over 70 pounds and have at least 100 more to go and I am already starting to obsess over my skin. I don’t know what it’ll be like in the end and I don’t truly know how I will handle it, but I am SO worried constantly.
I love your openness and straight up approach. After getting to know your blog a bit yesterday I’ve even decided that I need to work on being more open, true, and courageous in my fight for me.
Thank you, that’s all I can say…THANK YOU!
Tara dammit, you’re making me cry here! First of all, thanks for sharing your “scars” from a battle fought hard. I understand those scars. They may not be in the form of loose skin, for me they’re in the form of 5 scars on my belly, the scars from my hysterectomy and the cansuh. Though the cansuh is long gone, I feel empty now, I feel less woman, I feel like something was taken from me and struggle every day with the fact that I no longer have my fertility even though I have two children. It sounds selfish and so I struggle with sounding selfish. I am cancer free and I should be grateful and I struggle with not sounding grateful. I struggle to overcome the emotional wounds it left behind every single day and I LONG TO CRUSH THE HELL OUT OF IT. TO BE ENOUGH. Dammit. Without my uterus. Thank you for this post. It was so wonderful seeing you again at Fitbloggin. To me, you already crush it.
Sigh… So much love for u. So frequently u come to my mind, a little burst of inspiration, when I need it most. I think, “what would Tara do?” And then I keep moving. Once again, u’ve moved me, Tara. Love and light (to Meegan too!), s
[…] today was one of those days. Something told me to go and be noisy on Twitter and I came across Tara’s Blog. WOW! wow! She is inspiring in weigh-loss but to me I identified that she had a screwed up […]
All I can say is wow. Seriously, you’re an amazing woman. You can tell you’re strong – not only by your body but mentally – the fact that you say you can crush any physical goal, I love it. Why? Because it’s true. And I love that now you’ve realized you can crush any emotional and mental goal too. Your skin is a story of your journey, about how you did everything BUT give up, about how you have ROCKED your way back to being fit and healthy, and I am so incredibly proud of you. Although I cannot say I can relate in the same manner, I do understand going through very real times where the self love was not there. And it’s harder than anything physical, which is why I love more than anything that you shared this part of your journey with us. I know it’s easier said than done, but see it as proof of all of your hard work and milestones, and know that you inspire people everywhere daily because of it. You go woman! YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!
I’m moved by your words and in awe of your bravery. A wonderful post, Tara!
I saw your post this morning, but wanted to wait until it had my full attention to read it. You….are doing some amazing things. More difficult than losing weight or being thin or any other physical attributes is the ability to speak bravely, share your soul, and offer so much inspiration & encouragement to others. Finding yourself is a life-long journey, and we all have so much emotional/physical/psychological baggage to deal with until we reach our most true self. Thank you so much for sharing yourself with the world & being so brave.
YOU are what’s beautiful! inside + outside =)
I was meant to read this post.
I get this. Especially the paragraph talking about your stomach area. I live that. I struggle with it every day. And there’s something about the way you used your words there that may just lead me to some peace about that area of my body.
So thank you.
You – all of you – are exactly what this campaign needed.
Wow, what a moving post. I am in awe of your honesty… as others have said, it takes real strength to put your whole self out there. I have no doubt you are well on your way to that full acceptance goal you set for yourself!
Tara,
Thank you for sharing. You are inspiring. I love I’mpossible. I just recently found your blog and find resonates in so much that you have to say. It’s like you’re writing my story…fast forward 5 years from now if I do nothing to change my #240 34 y/o self now. I, too, am gay and from Tacoma and live in Seattle. Honestly, I keep thinking- if you can do it- I can do it. I am already down 5 pounds.
Keep on with your great posts,
Rebecca
Oh gosh. You are making me cry. And realize how HARD we are on ourselves, and how DIFFERENTLY other people see us. Your skin is beautiful, in its own way, T, because of what it signifies. A beautiful woman who woke up and took back her life, and is now living the dreams she never dared to have “before.” Today, in honor of this post, I am going to get dressed for our dinner out with friends, look at myself in the mirror, and let go of every negative thing that passes through my mind. And know that despite them all, despite weight gain, despite many struggles…I am beautiful and worthy right now. That’s what YOU did for me today with this post.
Wow, just wow Tara!I so appreciate your honesty and raw emotions in your blog, what an amazing journey you have had. I think you are incredibly inspiring and strong. I have struggled with body image and self-acceptance my entire life. Only now, in my mid-30’s have I started to figure it all out. Thank you for sharing your story. I think what you have done for you, making a healthier, stronger body defines #WhatsBeautiful. Best of luck CRUSHING this goal!
Love, love, love these pictures. Three reasons: You are brave to post them! Your arms are so freaking buff!!!! I get it. You know get it. 🙂
Kari
I learn so much from you…I talk about self-acceptance all the time and here you are, doing it like I’ve never done it before! Thank you for being beautiful!
[…] This post, written by one of my favorite people, broke my heart right open. […]
You never ever seem to fail to put me in tears with some of your posts. I get it, all of it.
One day you will come to accept it but never stop sharing because those of us who are working on still being able to accept ourselves need to hear things like this from strong people like you
xoxo
Colleen
YOU are awesome, amazing, inspiring and beautiful inside and out!!
I was meant to read your post today because I am in a place where it doesn’t seem like anything is possible right now. Your words give me hope and the desire to find out what I’mpossible of doing. Thank you for being so brave and so honest.
[…] took reading Tara’s post to realize I’m looking at what is left of my journey as impossible. When I should be looking […]
Thank you. Thank you for keeping it real. Thank you for being you.
Courage is beautiful. Self acceptance is beautiful.
Incredible story and I admire the guts it took for you to share it.
Honesty it beautiful.
YOU are beautiful.
Hi Tara, I didn’t get to meet you at fitbloggin but I remember your very inspiring story. Thank you for writing this, everything I wanted to say has been said by the previous commenters. This is a great campaign and I thank you for being so transparent with your readers.
There is nothing I can say that has not already been said, so I will just say this: Thank you.
[…] read Tara’s #WhatsBeautiful post from last Friday. Just go do it. “I encourage all of you to take a few minutes and think […]
[…] #WhatsBeautiful by Tara Martin | A Life Changing Journey […]
[…] “But I spend a lot of time looking at what I think is not beautiful and continually beating myself up emotionally and physically because of the “scars” left behind from being morbidly obese. Loose skin has always plagued me and while some people would look at it as battle wounds from a hard fought war I still find it extremely difficult to look at and even more difficult to share. So my goal for the #whatsbeautiful campaign is to not focus on a physical goal because there is nothing I don’t think I can accomplish when it comes to raising the proverbial bar. Instead I’m focusing on an emotional goal: Accepting me for all of me.” #WhatsBeautiful – A Lifechanging Journey […]